Tag Archives: self-esteem

Replenishing the well

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I’ve been working on myself lately. I’m working on my attitude to come from a place of yes. I think this is something no one can ever stop working on. Gratitude is truly an every day thing. Every single day.

I’m starting to realize the less complicated our lives are, the less we need. The less we need, the easier it is to take risks–moving in the direction of our passions.

My dog Athena is my hero. This fifteen pound puppy doesn’t have an ego–no ego, no demands, no negativity. She’s utterly blissed out by the seemingly trivial opportunity to sniff another dog, sit in the sun, or get a bite of her mommy’s steak.

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There’s a difference between coming from a place of love, wealth and faith as opposed to fear, scarcity and anxiety.

But this is also an every day thing. I recently also saw an article that women wake up grumpier than men. It’s important for us ladies to replenish the well every day.

If you’re a soloist you might need to draw inspiration from other places–since you don’t necessarily have a coach or a boss who can give you a friendly, loving kick in the pants.

Here are five resources when you need a glass of inspiration:

1. Makers interview with Ursula Burns, CEO of XEROX, first African-American woman CEO of a Fortune 500 company. There’s something about Ursula–she’s so brilliant, and so cool.
2. Positively Positive. I love this magazine–they have inspiring quotes, articles and other great content. It’s a little crunchy, but some days we just need that.
3. The Best Brain Possible facebook page.  This is a great resource for inspirational photos, quotes, infographics and more. Debbie Hampton started the website Best Brain Possible. She has her own incredible journey I encourage to read about.
4.Marc and Angel hack life. This is a great post called 30 Things to Stop Doing Yourself. It went viral–for good reason. Everyone can relate to these everyday conundrums.
5. Ali Brown. Ali is one of the most influential thought leaders as it relates to women entrepreneurs. She has great nuggets of wisdom and will inspire you. She also started with nothing and it’s an inspiring tale.

 

Caring More Is A Good Thing

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Any good stuff in my life happened because I cared more–I gave with my heart.

Caring more compelled me to raise my hand. It compelled me to write about stuff that you would never “monetize.”

I never just wanted a paycheck from my job. I also never just wanted a paycheck from life. I wanted to live big–make life memorable.

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The people I love the most in my life are not the ones that always seem “cool.” They often have big personalities. They love hard. They speak their heart. They make themselves vulnerable. Sometimes they look scared. I honestly find these people so refreshing. If this is you, I want to tell you your ship is coming. If you’ve set out to sail with your heart on your sleeve it’s a good thing. There isn’t enough heart in this world. When you put your heart into it everything you touch comes to life.

I’m Looking At You, the One Who Thinks It’s Not His Problem

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This note was written by a seven year old girl. Her mom found it. It’s a weight loss journal entry.

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The paper outlines her daughter’s weight-loss plan and reads:

17 pooshups 2 times a day

16 star jumps 2 time a day

2 yoget

3 appals

1 per

2 keewee froots

5 glases of water

Rid my bike 3 times a day

Rariry a meniy thing as you can find

Jog/run up and down the driv way 3 times

I don’t care if you’re a dad a 20 something year old or a CEO–you matter. You’re not doing enough. As the media becomes more powerful women are becoming meeker and meeker. To be a frail, small and quiet woman is to be the beauty ideal. Don’t believe me? Turn on any technology device. Look at the women. What do they look like to you? What kind of world will this be in 20 years?

It will take YOU–the person who feels this isn’t their problem–speaking up.

Every time you don’t speak up, you’re part of the problem. Every time you don’t say something when the following happens….

You’re at a party and someone makes a comment about how “fat chicks” are disgusting.
You gawk at other women and objectify them.
You make comments about a woman’s looks.
You tell your daughter if she’s thin she’ll have more options for marriage.
You work in public relations, advertising, or entertainment and you don’t put normal looking women of average weight in your media.
You don’t put even 1 woman on your event’s speaker faculty.
You don’t throw the softball with your daughter at the park.
You don’t teach your daughter math.
You hold your son to higher intellectual standards.

The Sheryl Sandberg Lean In project has generated a huge stir among women, but why aren’t men talking about it? Where are they in the conversation?  We can either brainwash our girls into hating themselves–and creating an even scarier civilization with self-hating mothers–or you can help bring about change.

“You may not agree with a woman, but to criticize her appearance — as opposed to her ideas or actions — isn’t doing anyone any favors, least of all you. Insulting a woman’s looks when they have nothing to do with the issue at hand implies a lack of comprehension on your part, an inability to engage in high-level thinking. You may think she’s ugly, but everyone else thinks you’re an idiot.” ~ Hillary Clinton

 

 

Being Strong For Other Women

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Do you know that other women are watching you all the time? Whether you realize it or not you are setting an example for people you didn’t even realize were your Facebook friends.

Are you setting an example of body shame for other women or are you engaging in a radical act of activism through self-love and respect?

I believe if we want things to get better for women we need to change the national dialogue. I also believe it has to start with the local dialogue. For example, are you someone who wants to build women up? If you are I would encourage you to think twice before you make self-deprecating comments on your social media sites about your body. Would you want your daughter or the younger version of yourself to say hurtful things about herself? If you want to help change the national dialogue for women, it starts with you. Diets, model and celebrity-dom are not helping women feel confident in themselves. Social media has given a voice to women everywhere. Let’s use this tool to make major change happen in the hearts and minds of women everywhere.

We’re all tired of living up to completely unrealistic standards of how we’re supposed to look. Together we can truly make change happen.

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Many of us don’t realize the impact we have on those around us. Sometimes the best form of activism is living well. By respecting yourself, no matter if you fit into Vogue’s definition of what you should look like or not, you are committing an act of defiance.

By loving yourself–despite the media’s constant flood of messaging that you shouldn’t–you are participating in an act of defiance on behalf of all women everywhere.

When I see women who claim to be moving women’s rights forward calling themselves fat on Facebook I feel sad. By participating in the “not enough” tsunami hitting women everywhere you’re hurting women you “unofficially mentor” without realizing it.

We’ve all got to love ourselves and be strong. We’ve got to ignore the messages that tell us we are only worthy if we are thin and beautiful by Hollywood’s standards. We’ve got to do it for ourselves, but we’ve really got to do it for all the other women. Because they’re watching you. They’re watching us.

So the next time you look in the mirror and you want to call yourself fat please understand there is a girl in the reflection looking back at you. How do you want her to feel?

If you are one of the many women I know sitting at her cubicle now wanting to be inspired, please watch these Makers videos. You will not be sorry!

Las Vegas, Sex, Technology, You

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I walk by a hologram woman with fake looking breasts and the face of a young girl. She’s facing a table full of gamblers. They are middle aged women.

I’m in Las Vegas, and like so many moments spent here, I find this moment surreal–weird–meta. So far from anything I generally encounter in my daily life in the Bay Area.

Here women walk around in mini skirts and heels so high they look like stilts. Women adorn themselves in clothes and jewelry as shiny as the slot machines calling to you from the casino.

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A photo I took at #CES. This company sells speakers and described the sound in the post as “deep” and used other sexually explicit adjectives.

You walk through hotels next to scantily clad women and you wonder, are you a “normal” woman or are you paid to work here and look like that? Are your tips determined by your clothes–or are you just here visiting from Ohio or Indiana or North Dakota? Are you pretending to have a different life for a night in Las Vegas? Will my boyfriend think I’m sexy next to you?

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One night I was at a dinner with a handful of influential people. A CEO from Israel was seated next to me. He told me out of the blue he thought the way women were depicted in Las Vegas was “disgusting.”

That night he hit me right through the heart with his words. I was shocked and moved.  I didn’t realize any of these business men noticed. Here is a spiritual person–not from the U.S.–with daughters–who can clearly see how bizarre our culture is.

You forget that there are people out there–men specifically–who are not happy with a culture that puts women up for sale. There are men out there who get it.

This was one of the highlights of my entire trip–meeting this person who could so clearly see the nonsense that happens in our culture.

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The truth is you have very little control of what’s happening out there, and so much of it is just plain awful. You need to work very hard to make sure the show that’s running inside of you is a pleasant one. If you are a woman, you need to constantly nurture and feed yourself messages of worthiness. You need to do this because no one will do it for you. It’s a matter of survival. And that way, Vegas will always stay in Vegas.

Three Very Honest Career Tips For the Younger Version of Myself

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If you are reading this and you are in your first job out of school—things are going to happen that you are not prepared to deal with. We don’t prepare you for this, and we need to so you have tools at your disposal when stuff gets weird. I’m working on this one..for now I just have my little blog below.

I have a lot of stories, and I know better than to publicly blog about them. I don’t have regrets, but I do have some hard lessons learned. I hope you don’t make some of the mistakes that I did, but if you do–let them make you stronger. Here are some of my tips. Share yours in the comments section below.

1. It’s not worth it.  If someone does cross the line–in a major way–you need to stand up for yourself. But sometimes we take small stuff personally. Whatever you are upset about right now is a small in the scheme of things. Learn to breathe deep, take some space and let it go. Learn to back down. Learn to walk away. You will be the bigger person in the end. Sometimes it’s just better to walk away–that means find a new company, new colleagues or new business contacts. Starting over is better than fighting over scraps.

2. Learn to close one eye. Sometimes you need to learn how to close one eye when you see things at work that you don’t like–or qualities in people that you find unattractive. This kind of sucks, and you should make sure you have friends you can meet up with after work–you two can grab Pinot Grigios and laugh about how the real world is so crazy–you can’t even make this stuff up. Whatever you do don’t gossip at work and don’t fight with people. Get yourself a supportive, hilarious, accepting group of girlfriends. Laugh it off. Cry it off. Then go back to work the next day and keep it in til you see them again. Every woman needs good girlfriends. And don’t get rid of them when you get a boyfriend.

3. Men. Do not confuse your relationships with older men. There will be men that are mentors, and there will be men that are not mentors. Some of them are in unhappy marriages. Have compassion, but stay away. If you find you have what is known as “older daddy issues” don’t worry about it–but get a therapist. Don’t let unresolved childhood stuff ruin your professional life. If you didn’t notice this in Mad Men and countless tv and movies, older men like younger women. Young women tend to seem/be naive. That doesn’t mean you need to engage in that trend. Become known for your mind and your work, not for being flirty or short skirts and high heels. There is no shame in needing a male figure in your life, but do not confuse your needs, and under no circumstances should you date your boss (I never did this, but I feel compelled to remind you not to do it).

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When you learn to ignore what you don’t like, you’ll find yourself attracting more people that inspire you and make you light up. As you progress in your career you will find more people who share your values. At the same time manage your expectations of other people. Don’t idolize people just because of their titles. Respect their knowledge but understand they are human too.

When you see the way people behave, let it go, have compassion. Forgive but don’t forget. You can always leave and join someone else’s camp or even build your own camp. Who wants to write a guidebook with me for Peggy Olsen?

7 Tools to Set Yourself Free From Your Inner Critic

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Many people, for whatever reason, have trouble turning off the critic. It runs its mouth all day never letting you get a moment of peace. From the moment you wake up in the morning until you close your eyes at night this critic sabotages your day.

Sometimes the root of this is childhood trauma, sometimes it’s chemical and other times it’s just how we’re used to living in the world–with someone hovering over us with a close eye. Eventually that someone becomes you. While you can’t always just decide to make the critic go back in its whole, there are some things you can do to calm down and relax your mind. I have a few of my own tools that I personally use, and I’d like to share them with you. I hope some of these tools bring you calm so you can live a happy life, and truly live life to the fullest.

1. Move. No matter what, I do something every day. If everyone in the world did Zumba, Latin or African dance every day–there would be no war in the world. I love these classes (offered by the YMCA) because in my interpretation these dance moves are a celebration of life–the movements accentuates the moves of a woman. You’re encouraged to shake and move your hips. You’re encouraged to embrace your femininity with “ladies styling” as they call it in latin dance class. With all the pressure to be thin, small and frail these classes encourage you to take up space and celebrate the womanly parts of yourself. While the weight room or the cardio machines are nice at times, it’s nice to get away from what can feel like an aggressive or testosterone driven environment. Go to those eccentric sounding dance classes at your gym–you won’t be sorry!

2. Learn to laugh. There’s nothing the critic likes less than when you learn to laugh in its face. Learn to laugh at what you’re judging about yourself. Make it light hearted. Say “so what.” Learn how to let it go. I’m X, honor it, embrace it, let it go. Learn to say so what, or “fuck it.”

3. When you look in the mirror, look at what you like most about yourself first.
With the insane pressure to look perfect, it’s easy to feel ashamed when you look in the mirror. See discussions on Project Enough here. Instead of looking in the mirror and seeing something you don’t like, learn to choose one thing you DO like about yourself and look at that first. Examples include, “I have nice eyes” or “I have a nice nose” or “I am so strong looking”…you get the idea.

4. Learn to breathe. Getting oxygen into your body is very critical when you’re feeling down. If possible take five deep breaths into your belly. If possible do some meditation with guided visual imagery–imagine a beautiful beach or imagine laying underneath a tree in a forest. If it’s bad, let yourself cry. Call a friend. If you’re crying (yes adults cry too)–breathe too! Get all those toxins out of your system. Breathing gives you strength and takes away strength from the critic.

5. Learn to walk away from your laptop. If you’re feeling vulnerable you’re not in a good state to be faking your way through work. Sometimes one bad day–where the critic has a hold over you–can sabotage months of good work. If you’re feeling vulnerable you’re not going to respond to people in the way you would when your head is clear. Sometimes it’s important to just take a break from working. If you don’t have this option and you work in an office go take a walk around the office or even go into the bathroom and take a few breaths. This can be the difference between a flare up in the office or taking a few moments for yourself. You don’t want your colleagues to see you getting overly emotional at work–take space if you can and when you come back you’ll fully rested and clear.

6. Learn to ask for help. I always say this but learning to ask for help is one of the most important factors determining your success. You can’t always do everything on your own. Don’t let the critic win by being too proud. Calling a friend, a loved one or even a coach or therapist can be the most critical factor in your resilience. Don’t try to be the brave cowboy who does everything alone. That’s a myth. Successful people get a lot of help and they know where to get it. Ask for help. People will love you more for opening up to them. They’ll be happy to help you.

7. Know this too shall pass. Being sensitive is a business advantage. It makes you intuitive and empathetic and all the characteristics that can make you a charismatic leader. At the same time you need to learn to manage yourself. This will wash over you like a wave. You will feel better tomorrow. Figure out how to get yourself what you need to help quiet the critic. That way when it passes you’re ready to get back on the horse.

 

How Self Confidence Helps Small Business Owners

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There’s something about Mad Men’s Don Draper—while on the inside he might be an emotionally torn man with a dark past, you never see him sweat. His personal challenges never get in the way of his advertising meetings or a-list affairs. He exudes charm, charisma and competence.

His former secretary and now only female copy editor Peggy Olsen said it best:

“I want what you have, you seem to have everything.” What Don does have is confidence–a lot of it.

Confidence can be the chicken and the egg–when you need it most you feel the least confident, and when you need it least you feel the most confident. You can’t hide behind your computer–you must get out into the world and represent yourself and your business. In my tips below I give you some suggestions on how you can work on building your own confidence and watch your business grow as a result.

Here are my ten questions and answers for you. Tell me your own confidence building story in the comments section below.

1. Why is self-confidence important for a small business owner?

If you are not confident in yourself, would you expect others to have confidence in your abilities? As a small business owner you are the face of your company. You need to exude confidence so people get the feeling you are a capable person to do business with.

2. What are the attributes of a confident person?

A confident small business person makes eye contact. They do what they say they’re going to do. They give a strong handshake. They don’t say the filler works in their sentences “like,” “um,” “ah,” or “you know.” They take good care of themselves physically. They don’t apologize too much without reason. They have boundaries in their lives, and they don’t feel bad about notifying someone when they’ve crossed that boundary. They can take negative feedback without having it crumple them. They smile frequently and easily. They exude a glow when they talk about their company and services.

3. What are activities that can help improve confidence in small business owners?

Doing your homework can greatly improve your confidence. When you’re prepared for meetings, you will exude power because you know what you’re talking about. Challenging yourself with achievable tasks will improve your confidence in yourself, but piling on too many challenges too fast can be a confidence killer. Keep a network of supportive people around you–especially other small business owners. Having community and relationships will improve confidence. Having a coach to provide feedback is a confidence booster. Everyone needs someone unbiased to bounce ideas off of, to help them through hard times, and give encouragement when it’s needed. Continuing education and training can also help build confidence as you become more savvy in different areas of your business.

4. Is it possible to improve confidence by changing your thoughts?

“Thinking positive” is a powerful way to change your thinking. Tony Robbins says “change your state, change your life.” If we can learn to control our mind, we can completely change the landscape of ourselves and our lives.

5. Is there anything a small business owner can do to improve their impact on others?

By standing tall you will greatly improve your posture and how others see you. Body language is a hugely important factor with regard to how others perceive you. By improving your posture you will change this.

6. Do looks really matter that much for a small business owner?

If you dress nicely, you’ll feel good about yourself. You’ll feel successful and presentable and ready to tackle the world. By showing up groomed, you will feel more confident. Additionally you are an extension of your products and services. If you are not personally well put together, it’s possible your prospects will assume you don’t take care with your offering either.

7. Does gratitude help confidence?

This one is related to humility. By being grateful for what you have in life and what others have given to you you will change your entire outlook. It can improve your self-image and your overall mood. The universe rewards those who are thankful. “Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.”
― Melody Beattie

8. Does exercise really improve confidence?

Exercise is very important for any small business owner. While sometimes it feels like there aren’t enough hours in the day, exercise can improve mood. It also helps with focus and makes us more calm. Many of us get our best ideas when we are exercising. Not only are the mental and spiritual side effects important, but it will help you feel better physically, and you’ll look better too!

9. How do small business owners avoid feeling overwhelmed, insecure and anxious with all the tasks that are required to run the business?

Don’t forget to start small. You don’t want to stress yourself out by biting off more than you can chew. Learn to break off small chunks and work in short bursts. Small tasks that you succeed in will help your overall sense of happiness and confidence.

10. Does a cleaner business person feel more confident?

Keeping organized and clean will greatly impact the amount of clutter in your mind. When your environment is cleaner you’ll find you can think clearly. Clear your desk. If your desk gets messy the world can quickly turn to chaos. Having an organized desk will help maintain a calm environment so you can think clearly (and stay organized).

11. Will relaxation help my confidence? Should I be working instead of relaxing?

We all need scheduled white space in our calendars. That means a little “me-time” every day. This “me-time” is your opportunity to recalibrate so you can continue to be an amazing creator. Relaxing can include a 5 minute meditation, a massage, a bath or even a walk with some nice music.

12. Should I celebrate my own achievements?

Absolutely. Celebrating your small wins is a hugely important aspect of having your own business. If you don’t make time to enjoy your success, you might end up feeling burned out. Feel free to make a list of all that you’ve accomplished even on a daily basis. Since you’re your own boss, you’re your own coach. Make sure to pick yourself up frequently with pats on the back.

Do you feel like Don Draper yet? Let me know your own journey to a more confident you in the comments section below. There are no judgements on this blog.

Being Curvy, Vulnerability & Success: 5 Truths This Week

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I haven’t been writing much because I’ve been working, but I think about you. I think  of how I can translate what is going on in my head and share what I’m feeling and thinking. Some days I think in possible blog post ideas.

No I don’t think this is healthy or normal.

Here’s my attempt at unpacking what has been in my head and heart this week.

1. How you experience the world is a reflection of what is going on in your head. As Dr. Wayne Dyer said, “Loving people live in a loving world, hostile people live in a hostile world, same world.” I’ve realized awareness, breath and compassion are the answer to pretty much everything.

2. You cannot solve the world’s problems by obsessing over them. Whenever I drive the i5 I get sad. I get sad because I see stretches of cows and fields of animals–and I know somewhere along this stretch an animal is being hurt. I suppose this is the former vegetarian meat eater’s dilemma. Sometimes I get sad at the gym on the cardio equipment as I look up at screens to see bombs go off and overly done up anchors translating the human suffering in a specific tone and script. I find it disturbing to be on an elliptical machine at the gym while my eyes well up in tears seeing bombs going off. I see friend’s Facebook status’ that says their cousins might have to go off to war in the middle east. This breaks my heart. And then I have to continue on my day because I have responsibilities, clients and life to tend to. I don’t like war. Recently I heard a rabbi give a talk. He said women are life and birth. Men create wars. I don’t know if this is true, but I do wonder if the world was run by women if there would be so much war. I’m scared to bring little babies into a world where killing one another is normal and we see it on TV and in video games. On a related note, a baby boomer recently said to me that in 100 years when global warming will really will become a problem we will all be gone. Well I plan on having babies. Maybe a few of them. And I certainly don’t want to hand them over a shitty world with crappy air so they can’t enjoy soccer like I got to growing up.

This is what I tell myself to make myself feel better.

Just because the media and advertising attempts to plant fear and darkness into your mind doesn’t mean you need to water that seed. There is pain and suffering in the world, but thinking about all the pain and suffering in the world is not going to ease the pain and suffering in the world. It’s going to leave you feeling exhausted and joyless. Focus on what’s in front of you. Stay in the moment. Breathe. Make small miracles in your life and for those around you. You matter. And that matters!

3. There’s always another train coming. Life can feel like whatever is in front of us at the moment is the only thing we have to hold on to. The truth is the universe manifests opportunities for us when we aren’t looking–when we’re putting in our best effort in other parts of our life. Let go of whatever you have your nails dug in. It will still be there. If not another one’s comin soon!

4. See how it feels to let go. I’m currently reading Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love and Parent. In her book she talks about how when she’s feeling vulnerable, instead of leaning into the vulnerability and discomfort, her first impulse is to control. And many of us do that. We set out to control everything around us in order to maintain homeostasis. But as Suze Orman says (when referring to our inclination to accumulate things) see how it feels to LET GO. Let it go. You will feel a huge weight lifted off your shoulders.

5. Why do curvy girls go to the back of the class? I take a lot of classes at the gym. I’m in LA this month and everything in LA–as it relates to looks–feels extreme–a caricature of itself. At the gym in LA all the thin women go straight to the front of the aerobics classes. The curvy women stay in the back of the class. Why is that? I might be curvy but I know that I like to be able to see what I’m doing in the class so I don’t do things with bad form–even if I’m shaking things that Cosmo Magazine tells me are problem areas. Screw you Cosmo–I love my problem areas! I might not look like a model, but I sure don’t sit in the back and hide. I ask myself what are other venues where curvy women move to the back of the class so as not to be seen?

Dear women’s self-esteem revolution, I give you permission to start happening now. Sincerely, curvy aerobics going ruminator, Blake.

How Being Direct Helps Women In Business

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While I realize it might be interpreted as “tacky” to write about something other than Hurricane Sandy, the notion of “nice” has been top of mind for me lately. I think this is really important to address because I see the way this urge to be liked hurts women in their careers–and it’s an emergency situation.

I see women put others ahead of themselves–all the time. I see women who are happy to let other people waste their their time. They undercharge. They let guys (they don’t even like) take advantage of them. They do things for free. And throughout all of this they want to look pretty (to improve their likeability).

I want to help women move forward in their lives. To move forward you have to get clear on your path. You have to decide to put your own needs at the forefront of your life.

Long after I left California I learned I didn’t have to be overly nice to people. You couldn’t blame me for being overly nice. I was born in California where sunshine is a key aspect to an attractive female personality. The point I changed was the moment I started to really believe in myself.

I learned to be direct with people. I learned that being direct and clear is favorable to being vague and wordy. It’s better for everyone.

Life’s toughness also toughened me up. As an adult I had more to worry about than if people liked me or not. I worried about paying my rent and moving up in my career. With more responsibility at work I didn’t have the time to spend framing conversations (saying please, sorry, um, like and I’m SO sorry). I realized being fake nice to people I didn’t want to talk to was not equivalent of being a good person. 

So how is a woman to act? How can she be polite but not so overly polite as to attract the wrong attention? When being liked is so important in the corporate world, how can she maintain her self respect while being chosen for key opportunities?

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Once I worked for a French entrepreneur. He told me women in America smile all the time. He told me in Paris if a girl smiles at you that means she wants to sleep with you. In America if you are a woman you have been told multiple times in your life to smile.

Have you had an experience where being overly nice got you into trouble?

You don’t need to be a character from the Devil Wears Prada to succeed in business and in life. All I’m asking is that as a society let’s decide to cut the nonsense. Let’s use our common sense when we interact with people. Let’s stop being fake.

I wonder why don’t men go to the extent to please as women do. What do you think?

Join Project Enough.