Tag Archives: public speaking

Five Tips For Women On Boosting Your Confidence

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I am a fan of the type of confidence that is humble; a quiet strength that needs no announcement.

Confidence comes from following a path in step with your passion. Confidence comes from true belief in oneself and one’s work. You know what you are building is powerful–you continue down that path even in the face of skepticism.

Whether you are a female entrepreneur or working your way up the corporate ladder in your job, confidence is essential to moving forward.

Confidence is a funny thing. Some of the most seemingly confident people are actually quite insecure, but have become very good at managing their own fears. While physically looking the part can help, true confidence comes from the inside. It comes from your core. And unshakable confidence is something developed over time (for most of us).

Below are five tips that will help you boost your confidence and help prepare you for any situation.

Five Results-Proven Tips for Female Confidence Building

1. Whisper sweet nothings to yourself. We talk about empathy in the business world, but what about empathy toward ourSELVES?  I encourage you to talk to yourself the way you talk to your favorite pet. How do you react when your pet falls down? Do you swear at your pet? Probably not. That being said, you should be as gentle with yourself as you are with your pet. Or think about how you would talk to a best friend if she were to fall down. It is said that what you believe will eventually come true. If you believe you aren’t enough you won’t go as far. This is true because if you think you aren’t enough you won’t push yourself as far as you would if you thought you could achieve anything. You won’t go for that opportunity, job or guy you think you really deserve. It starts with how you talk to yourself. I want to hear sweet nothings ladies! I want to hear self love from the roof tops!

2. Prepare, prepare, prepare. Confidence comes from preparation. Albert Einstein once said, “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” Let’s use surfing as an example. If you’ve never surfed before, and you take your board out and you can’t stand up–of course your confidence will take a hit. But if you practice on the beach for a while before you go out there, and study up with some other surfers, your confidence levels will improve. You know you’ve got some tools in your surfer belt to be successful. Get it? Make it easier on yourself by heading out to the waves with the right amount of preparation.

3. Move. I honestly don’t know where I would be without the ability to sweat. Probably on a curb somewhere. Every single day I wake up and go move my body. It gets my chemicals flowing and puts me in a positive place. While I try and abstain from talking about exercise on Facebook, the truth is it’s a really important part of my day. I run with my dog Athena constantly. Running is a great way to get rid of toxic energy. Additionally you get some of the best ideas when you’re running. Take your dog if you can. If you hate to run (like my boyfriend does) I don’t care if it’s aerobics, jumping on your bed, or kung-fu–get out of bed and get moving. You will notice how much better you feel about yourself.

4. Follow your passion. When you focus on the aspect of your job that you love you’re enthusiasm will clearly shine through. If you don’t love anything about your job, you should probably quit. Life is too short. When you talk about why you love what you do, and why it’s personally meaningful, people around you start to light up too. That said even if taking out the trash is your favorite part of your job, find one thing that lights you up and talk about it. People are attracted to other people who are lit up!

5. Everything you do, do your best. Do you know people who try hard at everything they do? Some people call this a Type A personality or a perfectionist. I have been called a Type A before, although in no way do I see myself as that. I just can’t stomach the idea of not trying. Trust me there are days when I feel that way and I have to talk myself into trying (harder). We all hate to lose, and winning comes from truly applying your focus to everything you do. You’ve got one chance. Make it count!

What can you add to this list? What helps make you feel confident? Please feel free to comment below and share with me.

POV. How A Point of View Makes You–and Your Brand–Charismatic.

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This weekend in a workshop I co-taught one of the attendees mentioned she was recently in a new role. She was having trouble stepping into her power for the job and was frustrated about it.

I’ve asked many powerful women if they ever had fear of stepping into their power, particularly when it came to getting on stage and speaking to a crowd. I always got the same answer back:

“My work is my passion. When I talk about my passion I lose any sense of nervousness.”

While some of us start businesses or hold jobs that we don’t always feel emotionally and spiritually tied to, the key to is to find the one aspect of the work that we feel excited about.

I watch a lot of Food Network Star, a reality show where a group of contestants compete to win a new show of their own. Having a Point of View (POV) is one of the qualities the contestants are judged on. Each contestant must stand for something, and weave that back into everything they present.

POV

People who are great leaders, salespeople, or motivators are passionate. They are able to distill their passion for their work down to an easy to understand POV. For example politicians tend to say the same thing everywhere they go. It’s their POV, and they are known for it (remember “change you can believe in”).


Susie Fogelson, SVP Marketing and Brand Strategy, The Food Network

While I don’t recommend you try and speak like a politician, standing for something is an important aspect of personal empowerment and branding.

Additionally, if you are building out your brand leveraging social media and content, everything you post should reflect your POV. This can be related to your mission statement, or your products, but should ultimately reflect your own personal point of view.

Understanding yourself and what attracted you to a particular role or project in the first place can help you feel more at ease when presenting to groups [or even creating a content strategy for your brand]. You don’t need to read anyone else’s script or syndicate content just because other people are doing it.

With regard to public speaking, people gravitate to presenters that emit excitement and confidence. If you start with the “why,” you will find your passion, charm and charisma will come across loud and clear.

We Got Our Groove Back, A Workshop Wrap-Up

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As a younger version of myself I was consistently frustrated with the lack opportunities to sit around with like-minded women doing the life-work that I so badly needed.

The lack of resources and support I felt I had fuels the process of creating just that; environments, content and resources for women that I always wanted but never had access to.

Life can be very busy, and when we don’t make time for ourselves the days disappear in a blur of work commutes, deadlines and errands.

When we finally do make the time for our spirits we realize  how incredibly restorative and healing this time can be.

Usually we hide this “stuff” at the bottom of our closet. When we finally start digging around in there we discover gems we forgot existed.

In the launch Get Your Groove Back workshop this weekend we had a lot of aha moments. Throughout our mix of guided discussion, activities and even meditative exercises participants said, “wow I didn’t even realize I felt that way–not until I said it outloud…”

The Opportunity To Emote In A Safe Space

We read about the poor numbers of women in leadership positions–especially in sectors like technology.

It is my personal belief that we need to stop focusing on this external conversation, and on an individual basis look inward and ask ourselves what is stopping us. By teaching women to love themselves–to feel enough–and provide women with the tools to get through the everyday challenges, the glass ceiling in any aspect of women’s lives will disappear.

The truth is as CEO of GetSatisfaction Wendy Lea said in a video interview once women don’t need to act like men in the workplace. She says “the female part of you is a good part, don’t mask that, be that, respect that, honor it. When you mask it you lose yourself.” And she’s right.

Much to notoriously tough corporate executive Martha Stewart’s chagrin, there is crying in baseball. Women shouldn’t feel like they have to stuff all their feelings down–because if you’ve ever done that before you know that eventually your repressed feelings blow the lid.

While crying at work isn’t the way to get yourself a raise, having a safe space to emote can be incredibly helpful–especially if you’re in the room with like-minded women who are going through the same thing.


Here are some of our participants making vision boards in the GYGB workshop.

***

“The world will be saved by the western woman.” -Dalai Lama

The above quote was volunteered at the closing of the workshop. The participant said in 2012 women can have anything they want–but we choose not to. We live our lives for other people, never feeling enough by their standards. The thing is we need to change the dialogue–and teach women how to live for themselves.

Empowered

It was wonderful to see people sharing a part of themselves with us, and additionally share tools they use in their own lives to overcome challenges–many that stem from the challenges of being a woman–feeling enough for others and for herself.

It was exciting to launch our first Get Your Groove Back workshop and see why they came.

Here’s what the participants had to say about their motivation for attending:

  • I want to speak from a place of passion.
  • I want to figure out what empowers me.
  • I want to learn how to stay focused in my life.
  • I want to work on expressing myself on a daily basis.
  • I want to learn better tools to take care of myself.
  • I want to rediscover and connect with my passions.
  • I want to work on a concrete plan I can develop and take away with me.
  • I want to develop more self awareness around my identity as a woman and as a professional.
  • I need to develop a new career personae and the confidence that supplements that.
  • I’m a CEO in a new job and I need ways to overcome my fear of stepping out.
  • I want to reconnect with my passion for life and start writing again.

Co-teacher Dr. Barbara Mark and I were delighted by the group that joined us for the session, and we felt blessed and honored to be in the presence of such great women. Here is what they said about their workshop experience with us:

  • It was clearly thought out, very well ran and extremely informative while being relaxing, warm, and inviting. All in less than 3 hours is quite an accomplishment.
  • I liked the openness of the participants–because it was a smaller group everyone got to participate and we felt comfortable doing so.
  • The activity on “triggers” helped me identify challenges and solutions within myself.
  • The sharing session was candid and made me realize that I’m not the only person facing the problems I face. I gained problem-solving skills that will help me moving forward.
  • The exercise that built insight connecting mind and body—the visualization and the vision board work were rewarding.
  • I enjoyed the small group and opportunity to share—I also enjoyed the hands on activity—getting to be creative and learning from the experience of others.

I am so grateful to these women who attended, and opened themselves up to us.

Closing Thoughts

There are days where I forget that people actually read my blog. I put some very personal things on the internet at the hope that you are reading out there. I also hope that the hard lessons learned that I’ve gleaned will help you in your personal lives. Because it’s the internet, I don’t always know if the messages resonate with you.

One woman showed up to the workshop and said she had read my blog Promises I Make to Myself. She said the blog resonated with her.

It’s moments like this that I know I am on this journey for a reason. I know the world needs this healing work–and I’m very pulled toward it.

*Dr. Barbara Mark and I will be announcing our second workshop shortly. The workshop will focus around female empowerment. The workshop will take place August 11th, 2012 from 1:00-4:30PM in San Francisco at the Full Circle Institute at 2325 Third Street | Suite 337 | San Francisco, CA 94107. There are only ten spots. The cost is $95. Feel free to email me if you would like to reserve your spot.

The Eyes Never Lie

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When people want to know if you’re an extrovert or an introvert they’ll generally ask you where you get your energy from.

I get my energy from having time to process. Since I was 7 years old I’ve worked my puzzles out at the writing table. One by one I would solve them with my pen and paper. These introvert tendencies are not surprising to me considering my mom–a painter–would disappear into her studio for hours listening to middle eastern music and making work. She’s a talented artist with more books than shoes–and books, ideas and art was what was valued in our house growing up. I find it comforting to know Anne Lamott’s father was a beat poet [there is hope for me too].

Fast forward 17 years and I am living in New York City, working as a knowledge worker in very fast-paced sales environment.

In the corporate setting I found it exhausting to focus on knowledge work in an open office where there were people constantly walking by–distractions [whether it was meetings, social pressures or ad hoc requests] aplenty. As dudes high-fived and bonded, I would sit quietly feeling left out. I’m not the high-five type at work, but that doesn’t mean I’m not a good employee that cares about the team. It’s just not my style to high five and make sarcastic jokes throughout the day to show I’m a team player.

Eye Contact

When I worked in a corporate job in NYC there was a tall man I worked with who was my superior. At one point my boss was frustrated with me and said, “Blake, John complained that you don’t make eye contact with him when you talk to him. Why is that?” I was about 24 at the time.

I wasn’t totally aware of my shyness. The truth was he made me uncomfortable (or let’s say the way I viewed him made me uncomfortable). But this was something I had to learn to do. I spent a year at Toastmasters learning how to look UP when I spoke to people.

This ladies and gentlemen, is what happens when you don’t believe in yourself.

I would look around at the other people who could “show up” in meetings making confident statements without sweaty palms and red cheeks. I didn’t understand my own inability to look people in the eye and speak in public.

And I spent a lot of time obsessing over what I had said and how it was perceived–if I was liked. I felt like I was in a sea of sharks and it kept me going because I couldn’t afford to stop swimming.

Living in New York pushed me in a good way. Eventually I learned to speak up and even became addicted to it. It was challenging, fun and rewarding. Sometimes when you’re afraid of something for so long, and you finally face it, you realize there was something you wanted behind that fear. And today I really love sharing my ideas. And I use that as a tool when I go to events, to help me find like-minded individuals who care about what I care about. Sometimes my palms still sweat, but I look at that as “that’s how I know I’m ready!”

Today I am still an introvert working on bringing the ideas that I so comfortably write on this blog to people in person. Yesterday I attended a public speaking workshop focusing on eye contact.

In one exercise we had to stand across the room from our partner and keep eye contact with them. We then were asked to move forward two feet, and two more feet until we were about three feet apart.

Standing a few feet from our partner, we were asked a variety of questions by the moderator. We were to report feedback on how our partners face contorted when asked: “Why do you do what you do?” and “How are you going to sell your services to the person across from you?”

As you can imagine this was a very challenging exercise. It can feel very awkward not to speak, and to stare into the eyes of a stranger for an extended period of time. But the exercise turned out to be incredibly rewarding. There is a lot of power in the eyes, and you learn so much by looking into someone’s face.

You learn about yourself from the feedback you get from your partner. More than anything it reminded me that it is crucial to look people in the eyes. It’s also crucial to practice deep breathing and relaxation so your face appears calm, without anger or fear.

I was reminded of the importance of fully participating–of being “seen.” I was really moved by my partner who told me (after I gave her feedback on her face) that I had given her permission to truly feel strength around her career.

Today I’m passionate about helping all people embrace their vulnerabilities so they can fully show up in their lives. To be human is to have them. No matter where your career takes you, being confident and present with the people around you will make or break you–so learn from me–and speak to people with your eyes. Look up–there’s a lot to see when you do.

Speak Like the Iron Lady

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I just saw The Iron Lady, the film about Margaret Thatcher’s life starring Meryl Streep. It’s an incredibly inspiring film, and I recommend all women see it (and men too).


However this blog is not about politics, nor is it about Margaret Thatcher the former Prime Minister. It’s about public speaking.

I went to Toastmasters in 2008 because I wanted had to improve my speaking skills for my job where I had a podcast.

I ended up loving Toastmasters and even ran the club for one year. It was one of the most challenging and rewarding experiences in my recent past.

I went from being terrified of public speaking, to relishing in it. I had have a lot of opinions, and having the opportunity to speak them is addicting. I love a good debate.

When I watch other people women speak, my heart goes out to them–because for so long I too wasn’t cognizant of how I came across. I hadn’t studied, practiced, rehearsed. I wasn’t self-aware of the perception I exuded.

The truth is we all need feedback, particularly women who haven’t had the grooming opportunities that others have had.

If there are a few things to consider next time you get up to the microphone, I ask that you mindfully be aware of the following suggestions. As you continue to practice getting up to the microphone, you will find your strength improves, and the impression you make on others. I am committing to going back to Toastmasters as well. We can never stop learning, and working on ourselves!

1. Dress conservative and savvy. I am the first to tell you I don’t like suits. However, I’m somewhat mindful of the fact that the first thing someone will see about me is my attire. I want to look modern, put together, and sophisticated (I don’t always achieve this, but I try).

I don’t want to look like a pop star. I know it’s confusing seeing women on T.V, such as newscasters who appear like they are going clubbing. It is better to be respected than to look “hot.” Do you want someone to remember what you said or that your bra straps showed? This does not mean dress frumpy, old lady-ish, or teacher-ish. But it means you are not looking for a date (at least you shouldn’t be in this scenario), you are looking to make an impact. That means no shirt wrinkles. Remember dress for the job you want.

2. Be prepared. All the speakers you see on T.V.–the pundits, the late night T.V. show guests, the late night hosts–are all prepped. They are fed questions beforehand. They are groomed by publicists who tell them what to say and how to dress. There is often a team of people who help support one person with a 30 second television spotlight. The good news is you can appear as natural and well-versed as these pundits, but you don’t have to hire a team to do so. You can just make sure you have your notes. It’s even better if you’ve rehearsed in the mirror, on a recorder or on a video camera.

3. Do not fidget. Unless you are on a stage where you can walk back and forth to make both sides of the auditorium feel involved, do not move. Do not hold a pen in your hand and flick it at the podium. It’s distracting for the audience. Do not distract the audience from your words with nervous movements or shifting from right foot to left foot.

4. Make eye contact with the audience, and smile. If you don’t look like you are enjoying yourself, it’s likely the audience will be uncomfortable as well. By being comfortable with yourself, you make those around you comfortable. Find a few friendly faces in the audience, and every few seconds, look up and make eye contact with them.

5. Do not read a piece of paper. There is nothing worse than having to listen to someone who buries themselves in their notes because they did not prepare, or feel uncomfortable at the mic. Practice your talk enough so you don’t have to read your notes. Have topic areas and bullets written out for yourself, but keep your speech as natural as possible.

6. Engage the audience. Don’t talk at the audience, talk to them. Ask the audience questions. Give the audience members opportunities to raise their hands. Even a “how is everyone doing tonight?” question is appreciated. Or ask someone something that is locally relevant. Even the weather will do. Maybe Margaret Thatcher wouldn’t do this, but most of you aren’t addressing a cabinet of officers. And hopefully you won’t have “iron” in your nickname. Don’t hide in your powerpoint, or talk with your back to the audience. In fact, if you can just throw out your powerpoint, even better. People hide behind crappy presentations with too much copy and lame stock-photo images. Unless the powerpoint enhances your talk, don’t use it.

7. Omit “like” “um” “ah” “you know” from your vocabulary.In toastmasters we are docked points for using these filler words. For those of you from California, you are going to have to work extra hard to get rid of them. They are abominable during a speech. Be cognizant of these killer fillers. Don’t sound like a valley girl if you can avoid it.

8. Be cognizant of the tone of your voice. When I started my podcast series, I noticed my voice would end on an “up” note. It wasn’t very Terri Gross of me. It was very California of me (and I needed to adjust to the New York dialect). I practiced a deeper tone. Less screechy, more serious. Over time it stuck.

9. Speak deliberately. Your words matter. If you don’t believe your words count, and you don’t speak with conviction, no one else will feel that way either. Speak with conviction.

This is the real Margaret Thatcher. This video is called No No No. Conviction, illustrated.

10. Take a breath. Before you start, especially if you are nervous, take a moment. You don’t need to dive in and start talking a million miles a minute. Speak slowly so the audience can understand you, and don’t be afraid to pause. Think of Obama, he makes deliberate pauses and they add to the drama of what he is saying.

11. Stick to three points. There are studies that show people can only remember three pieces of information from a talk. Don’t overwhelm people so you can feel good that you hit every single point. As a speaker you are part entertainer, part educator. Don’t forget that! You are providing an experience. Let people soak up the experience, and make it easy for them.

12. Organize your talk. Although we are note reading our talk, it should have a clear organization so it’s easy to follow.It should include an introduction, a statement which somewhat tells people the three areas you are going to hit, and then a clear closing statement that summarizes when you spoke about.

13. Get feedback. Always. Always. Always. It hurts, but it’s the only way we grow. Choose growth and not hypersensitivity.

And just for fun….

Your Passion: the Fastest Route to the Podium

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Last night at Thanksgiving dinner we had a streaker.

He was a five year old boy who spent the dinner running around a glittering table of Autumnal decorations and animated adults–in his underwear.

When it was time for toasts, the little boy’s father asked him to say a few words. The little boy–still in his drawers–was speechless. He looked out at the long narrow table full of guests.

He subsequently shut down.

I looked at his mom and laughed, “it’s like a bad dream. You’re in your underwear having to give a speech with nothing to say.”

It’s most of our worst nightmares. But why?

*****

When I was a young lady my mom always had very dynamic female girlfriends. She had a close friend who had a dazzling personality named Ellen. I remember at a certain point she was doing a lot of speeches for a health-care nonprofit that she ran.

I asked her, “Ellen, do you ever get nervous public speaking?” She replied, “No Blake I don’t. I care so much about what I’m speaking about, I don’t even think about being nervous.”

Years later I realized this was truly the key to confidence. Follow what you love. The truth is so many of us–especially ladies–have trouble finding our voice. That can stem from coming from a place of fear.

You can make decisions from two places. Fear or Gratitude. Unfortunately most of us never discover what it feels like to live 24-7 in a place of gratitude. But it’s just not in our nature. We have to develop ourselves to come from a place of gratitude. The key is the individual has to visit her deepest desires and deepest fears to truly live in her truth. And in turn, live in gratitude.

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best night and day to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.” –e.e. cummings

We spend years doing what we think we are supposed to do. We spend years taking jobs we think people will be impressed with.

We all have that passion for that one thing that we know isn’t “realistic.” To explore this nontraditional interest would be risky. We’d have to truly “show up” to go out on our own. At the risk of judgment from others.  But we all owe it to ourselves to give it a shot.

I know when I tried in the corporate world to put on a front, and care about things I absolutely did not care about, I came across as phony, and the projects were poor quality. However give me something that I’m interested in, and you bet your butt that project will glow. That’s just how I am. Very human.

Perhaps this is the reason I am not the only one who had stepping up to the podium. It is difficult to speak about something you don’t have your heart in. When you do what you love you cannot wait to get the podium. Once you’re there, you don’t want to leave. Your energy becomes contagious. You feel different. Work no longer feels like work. Your dreams about public speaking in your underwear disappear.

***

I wrote an article last week questioning if women are competitive enough. A Women 2.0 reader named Adena responded, “I can’t help but be torn on my own enjoyment vs terror when it comes to competition.” When you are pursuing your passion your sense of terror is overshadowed by drive and excitement. It’s a good time to be a woman entrepreneur.

When you do what you love, it’s much easier to get up the podium and compete.

*he was a very cute little boy who was very entertaining. Thanksgiving was a great time.