I don’t have the stomach for fear based media that tells us everything we care about in life could disappear (just after this commercial break). As a result of our rush rush rush culture, we rush through life sprinting from one milestone to the next.
We are not encouraged to think long-term. We are encouraged to grab at whatever comes our way–a reactive attitude toward our careers. Everything in our culture moves us along quick quick quick.
Do you feel you are in charge of your career decisions? Would you walk away from an offer right now if it came with a caveat that was hard to stomach? Are you so consumed by the day to day you feel like you have to do the tasks in your life you hate? Sometimes we forget that everything in life is a choice. To bring change, we need to slow down. Looking at the unfavorable occurrences of 2012 brings valuable insight into what needs to be done differently. If I do X, then I will get Y. I’m trying to live this practice myself. It takes patience and calm–not an easy thing during the holidays.
Don’t be afraid to walk away from the people or activities in your life that leave you where you know you don’t want to be. The events and people you do want to attract will come to you, but first you need to identify what you don’t want in your life. Have faith that the path you’re walking is the right one. Don’t lose faith and make knee jerk reactions for the short term.
Sometimes opportunities will come your way that come with an unfavorable caveat that’s hard to ignore. Do you take the job, client, lateral move just because in the short term it seems like a good move? Or do you take time to step back and think about where you want to be in one year’s time?
Oh gratitude, it has taken me so long to understand how you work. And most days I do, and if I don’t I know how to get back to you, even if it takes all day.
When I left my life in New York City almost three years ago [after meeting Jacob to move back to California where I was from] I had no clue what I was getting into. All I had was a little intuition that the life I was leading needed to change.
Sometimes people ask me advice. They ask me what to do with their relationship. They ask me about self esteem. They ask me about career direction. They ask me about anxiety.
Through my own journey I’ve learned to respond to others with questions rather than answers. All the advice in the world can’t change someone. The metaphors about moving through the darkness before seeing the light are true–but when a person is in darkness it’s hard to contemplate light, let alone see it. In this society we do everything in our nature as humans to organize and control what feels like an unpredictable world. We are terrified of darkness and quiet.
Sometimes you have to fake yourself out to be able to see what I call “the light.” Eventually that story of light becomes your reality, but the journey to that point is terrifying. You can’t see what’s in front of you.
What I’ve learned is the big tests are not in any one moment. The tests are inl the moments leading up; the preparation, the habitual good choices, the optimism. The tests are the late nights spent hovering over work. It’s those nights you spend scrubbing that one last spot on XYZ. The tests are in the mornings where you wake up on the wrong side of the bed and the commitment to not act out of frustration–but take the time to change your state. The tests are in those moments where one decides to make great sacrifices of what’s comfortable in order to do what needs to be done. The tests are the two roads diverged in the wood, and you take the right one, not the easy one.
The Big Secret: the Answers Are ALL INSIDE
This year I got serious about looking inside. I got serious about being grateful for what’s in front of me rather than some moment in the future. This is the year that I spent thousands on getting better tools to communicate and show respect to people in my life. I spent countless resources and hours on self improvement. I made it my job.
I committed to going to long way to be a better person.
Today I give myself a very long leash. I don’t force myself to do things just because they’ve been ingrained in me. I’ve learned how to work myself out of a system I was not happy in. I’ve learned to accept and embrace that I am mostly separate from the dominant system we operate it. I have chosen to work outside of it because it makes me content.
Here’s my official 2012 gratitude list.
1. The choice to be positive.
2. The escape into my own mind and body during meditation
3. That I learned how to channel all the angst and pain I felt into something positive (see Project Enough).
4. My love and forever man Jacob who has been with me through really thick and and really thin.
5. My smiling puppy Athena who cuddles with me while watching Netflix when Jacob is out of town.
6. That I healed myself, and in doing so healed my relationships (family, friends and otherwise).
7. Gilfriend Suze Orman who has been my unofficial money mentor.
8. I’m grateful for my clients–all of whom I admire and respect–and give me the opportunity to work on things I love for people I care about.
9. I’m VERY grateful that I have dealt with the mishagas so that now I am a stronger person–and all of that was a result of being vulnerable and learning how to ask for help.
10. Grateful that I don’t feel the rush as I used to. I have learned how to slow down, read things twice, and think about consequences before I act.
The point of this post is no one can tell you what to do. You need to feel it in your bones that you need to change–whatever that journey is–and through that journey you will gain the understanding, and then the physical terrain of your life will change–in a big way–and when it finally does happen it will happen overnight.
More than anything I’m grateful for the life I have. Life is a precious and beautiful thing–and it should not be taken for granted.
If you’re interested I wrote a gratitude list with Jacob in 2010 and another one in 2011.
Last week I had a dinner date with a friend. She was trying to figure out how she was going to make money with her career. Many of you are working for companies in a job you’re unhappy with. Or perhaps you’re in academia and you’re seeing the difficulties in the education system and you want something more (but not quite corporate America). Sometimes our minds are so clouded with noise, we can’t clearly see what we’re even good at. We don’t know how to match our passions, values, and hobbies with a dream career track. Don’t settle in your career. Do the digging and figure out what truly makes you tick, and how you’re going to turn that into a marketable skill. Find your niche with my three tips to help shift you in the right direction on your self discovery process.
For those of you who are searching for answers, I ask that you take a minute to watch this two minute video.
I wanted to formally announce that I currently have a coaching practice. I work with millennials–20 and 30 somethings–who are contemplating change in their careers. Whether it’s a career change, starting your own business or figuring out your own career path within your current company, I provide a roadmap and the tools to get you there.
I bring the clarity and direction to make the positive change you desire in your life.
I help you drive toward your desired destination–now, not some time off in the distant future.
If you’re someone who is looking to make a change in your life, and you’re ready to reach higher ground, you might consider working with me.
Who wants to do everything alone? Not me! You shouldn’t have to either. We ask the important questions, and together we find the right solutions. We make it simple, and we make it fun.
Here is a testimonial from one of my coaching clients Meagan H. who works in healthcare. Because this was on LinkedIn, she lists top qualities: “Personable, Good Value, High Integrity.”
“Blake has provided some very thoughtful insights on how I can develop as a young professional. She has both a keen intuition and a well-developed knowledge base on what are effective steps for young women to achieve a lifestyle of success.”
Interested in acomplimentary chat? Email me your phone number and I will be happy to call you. [email protected]
As a little girl playing soccer I learned to take up space. I learned to be fearless on the field. And most importantly I learned taking up space was an important aspect of being a competitive player.
Then when I was 15 years old I learned that this was now a different game.
When I was 15 years old I remember seeing the movie What Women Want for the first time. I specifically recall a scene where Mel Gibson’s character could hear women’s thoughts. In the scene he ran by a woman on roller blades who was counting all the calories she ate for that day.
That scene was the first time I realized that it is normal and acceptable for women to have body issues. For women to have disorderly eating. It’s the universal female experience to want to be less of yourself as a woman.
After the age of 15 I started to soak up the messaging that now I would be judged according to how little space I could take up. The thick strong quads and thighs that took me far in a soccer match now made me unappealing. Less worthy. Less attractive.
As a young woman there were many days when–of the 60,000 thoughts a day that women have–I spent at least 20,000 figuring out how I was going to make my thighs disappear. If I could only be a smaller version of myself–like Felicity at NYU looking beautifully melancholy about her handsome bed-headed boyfriend Ben.
I started to dislike my body. I felt wildly uncomfortable in my own skin.
In college I can remember feeling such self-hatred I wanted to take a piece of my thighs out. I felt angry and violent toward my own body. If I could only take up less space….
I would be happy, I would get attention, I would be loved.
And Then I Woke Up And Realized Taking Up Space Feels Amazing
Very slowly over a period of about 9 years I started throwing the external rules out.
I realized my thighs were actually the conduit to a spiritual explosion. These thighs could carry me for miles and miles. These thighs could take me across half-marathons and then full marathons. These thighs helped me chase down a senator at an event for a podcast interview.
I started to get angry at the people and the systems that told me my thighs made me unappealing. I stopped spending time with women who reminded me of me before I went through this awakening.
Today I thank god I’m not a size zero. I thank my body for providing a healthy vessel to live life on this planet.
I’m starting a revolution of thigh love. Of worthiness. Of self-nourishment. A radical act of self-love. And I want to inspire radical acts of self-love across the nation, and the world.
I love you thighs. To take up space is to feel worthy. When you feel worthy your light shines brighter. You’re funny. You’re innovative. You take risks, and you believe you can do things, and you do.
There’s nothing like Sheryl Crow’s award winning song “A Change Would Do You Good.” We all have periods in our lives where we realize we need to make change, but we’re not quite sure if we can leave our comfort zones for the arduous trek.
I love this song–it’s a wonderful anthem for how change can be powerful. Everyone can benefit from being a little more empowered.
We were put on earth to live meaningful and spiritually rewarding lives. As an individual you evolve, and benefit from setting measurable goals that keep you focused on a clear path. Every single day you can benefit from bringing you A game. A game can be applied to anything such as a project, job or event a new relationship or health regimen. Staying focused, engaged and flexible will allow you to continually move to higher ground. While that means different things for different people, I’ve determined that to master any life change there are nine steps to mastering a life change.
When you want to bring change into our life, it almost never happens over night.
While some make success look easy, almost always they have personally gone through their own journey including years of hard work and struggle behind the scenes.
It is my personal belief that to flow with the natural current is to drive in the direction of our individual truth. We have to constantly iterate in our own lives moving with environmental or circumstantial change. Additionally there’s a flavor of necessary change–plain ol’ stuck-in-a-rut and need to change.
You know your life isn’t turning out like you had in mind originally, but you are so stuck in your habits that the thought of not having the crutch you rely on sounds terrifying. You refuse to believe that you have a problem and busy yourself so you don’t have to recognize that things need to change. You surround yourself with people who also lead the type of life that you do preventing anyone from reminding you that this is not the best decision for you.
2. Awareness
You’re getting tired of the same old results from the same actions. You see your life is not changing in the way you want it to. You don’t have the self confidence, groove and ease of life you felt you once had. You see successful people who have what you want and wonder what they’re doing that you’re not doing. You’re frustrated that things haven’t turned out differently, but you’re not quite sure you’re ready to make personal change. You’re starting to understand the “why” of making a change.
3. Research.
You start casually looking for answers. You google, you read books, you follow people who are doing what you want to do, and so on and so forth. With the web this is the easiest part. Most of the questions we have are just a click away. You make calls with people. You have coffees with people. You research events to go to, meet-ups to check out and so on.
4. Contemplation.
You have all the knowledge you need to move forward. Now is the time you are thinking if you are really ready to step out of your comfort zone. This could include going without something you’ve had as a comfort for a long time, or pushing yourself harder than you have. You are deciding if you are ready to make a life-long habit change. You are considering the pros and cons of taking action.
5. Planning.
You start writing down a plan. You create a step-by-step guide for how you will get from where you are to where you want to be. You continue to consider the “why,” but now unpack the “how.” You take all the best tips from the meetings, research and reading you did and create a tactical plan of how you can apply this to your own life. You create achievable milestones for yourself that will push you forward without making it so difficult you give up.
6. Action
You’ve decided that the results you are looking for are worth the sacrifice or investment that you will have to make. You gather all the information from your research and start putting a plan into action.
7. Reflection
It’s harder than you thought it would be. Can you do this? Maybe you’ll throw it all away and go back to the old way of doing things. But you know you won’t be happy that way. This is feeling difficult, uncomfortable and taking longer than you thought it would. Can I do it? I’ll give it a few more days–and if nothing changes…..
8. Habit Change
You didn’t think you would get through those first hurdles, but you made it! You’re riding the bicycle. It’s much easier, more fluid, and fun than you ever thought it would be. It comes natural to you and is now part of your every day life. You can’t believe that you did it but you did. Now that you have made this life change, you want to see what else you can change in your life. It’s a no brainer–you’ve mastered it!
9.Mastery.
Your whole life is beginning to change. The way people react to you is so much brighter. You have more energy, you’re attracting different people to you than you used to, and you recognize who you used to be in other people (and you never want to be that person again). Life is great when you believe in yourself.
As a sidenote: I have personally made a commitment that I won’t help people unless they ask me for help. There is nothing worse than trying to tell a family member or friend they need to change when they don’t want your help. People have to be ready to change, and there’s a process that comes with that.
We all have moments where we feel like throwing in the towel. And during these moments–when we’re feeling vulnerable–it’s easy to conjure up images of what women should do when they’re feeling down-and-out. Three things for me come to mind: chocolate, alcohol and shopping.
The truth about all these short term answers….
Drinking is a depressant–it makes you feel up and then shoots you straight down. What goes up must come down. And shopping when you’re upset can lead to impulse buys and unfortunately for many women in America–credit card debt. All of these things provide short highs and eventually long lows. They simply don’t do what we’re told they should do–make us feel lovely and amazing.
So much of what we’re taught is the answer by the media and advertising is in fact the opposite of the answer. These ephemeral activities don’t leave us emotionally nourished, refreshed or invigorated.
A private moment with a quarter pounder with cheese, a dove chocolate or a tall glass of midori sour doesn’t give us internal nourishment. Real long-term success comes from taking care of our spirits. That includes nourishing our bodies with nutritional food and drink. Additionally financial stability is empowering. Rather than shop save money and invest wisely in your future. So I’m here to set the story straight on how to get yourself out of a rut. I beg you don’t throw in the towel, just take better care of yourSELF.
Kim K. having a great time at a party–probably after a long stressful week at work.
Am I the only San Francisco driver to see this billboard?
I’m not here to berate you about what you eat and drink. I’m here to teach you some simple tools during your dark moment that help you to feel enough. Remember, you’re enough!
Here are six tips you can use for when you’re having a “moment.”
1. Having a tough moment at work? Step outside and take ten deep breaths. Work isn’t the best venue for self-expression. It’s not a good idea to let your boss and your coworkers see you having a bad day (but we’re all human and we all have them). At the same time keeping your feelings at bay for too long will distract you from your work. Let yourself feel what you’re feeling in a safe space. Go outside for a walk, even sneak away to the women’s restroom for a three minute mediation. I don’t care where you can find three minutes of solitude–go find it. Your day depends on it. If you can sneak in a work-out, even better. I work out every day to put myself in a place of gratitude. We were meant to breathe deeply, move and emote. Exercise gets your breathing.
2. Don’t dive into your career stress, take a bath. The funny thing about advertising is we are often taught that when things get stressful, we should reach for a drink. We are taught that a private moment with a chocolate bar is that one panacea that will make us feel strong, competent and happy. The truth is food and alcohol are not the first things women should grab when life gets stressful. A bath can be a wonderful activity that can be nourishing, relaxing and rejuvinating. If you’re feeling like diving into your cabinet to down a box of Madeline cookies, a warm bath (with salts too) will nourish you (and there’s no guilt). Hot baths not only soothe your mind but your muscles too. Hot baths soothe the lungs, heart, stomach and endocrine system by stimulating nerve reflexes on the spinal chord.
3. Allow yourself to feel and process. Women need time to reflect on their lives, their careers and their relationships. There is nothing wrong with letting out a good cry if you need it. Crying helps us release. Crying balances our chemicals. Journaling can also be a great way to stay on top of your moods. By writing down how you feel, you take a load off–even if it’s a note on your iphone or your ipad. Jotting your emotions down can feel amazing.
4. Get a coach or therapist. All too often women don’t have boundaries in their lives. Families and friends cannot always help us in the way that we need. For many millennial women, our moms end up taking on the role of BFF–but at a certain point as women we need to find our own safe space to talk. When women don’t have boundaries in their lives–especially with private information–problems start to happen. By having an objective person like a coach (or even a therapist) you are better able to keep boundaries with your family, your friends and your coworkers. A coach can help you unpack your dreams and goals, and provide a step by step process on how to get there. Encouragement and support is provided along the way. Coaching is not therapy, and therapy is not coaching–however in both venues a woman is provided a private and safe space to vent. All women need a safe space to vent without concern for boundaries. Keep in mind referrals often provide the best coaches and therapists.
5. Write down what you feel proud about. Anything can look like a failure in the middle. Many successful and high achieving women are very hard on themselves. By giving yourself a pat on the back and putting on paper what you’ve accomplished you will have a different perception of where you are. Women have around 60,000 thoughts a day. Can you imagine if even 1/10 of these thoughts were “you’re lovely and amazing and you can do anything”? That’s not the case for too many women. For many women turning the majority of thoughts from a place of fear to a place of yes can be difficult.When you feel good about where you are, your next move will be a positive one. We need more persistent, calm, confident women out there so we start to see the numbers change at the top. Look at all that you’ve accomplished. Write it down. Then keep going!
6. Catch a lack of email etiquette? Back away from the computer. Ahhh technology. You have made it so easy for us to send quick messages to one another anywhere in the world. But perhaps this is a blessing and a curse. Most people haven’t studied email etiquette, and most people just aren’t very aware of how they come across in an email. How can I emphasize this enough….Get a rude email? Someone offend you by being brief, demanding and demoralizing? Turn off your email. Get out of there. Take a few hours to go away from the computer. Learn to not respond (or postpone responding) to rude messages. Just because someone sends you an email doesn’t mean you need to respond right away. The email offender probably was never taught how to practice email etiquette. This is not about you, it’s about them. This is probably how they talk to themselves–rude, abrupt etc. Be the standard by practicing email etiquette.
Remember, don’t throw in the towel. Take a bath and wrap your hair in it!
Are you in the Bay Area? Join me for a memorable workshop August 11th to “Empower You.”
