Tag Archives: geneen roth

Eating Dessert Makes You Thin

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Many of us walk very thin tight ropes when it comes to pleasure. We avoid falling into our cravings, afraid that if we give ourselves what we deeply desire, we will lose control. We won’t be able to stop.

If you are female you know the pressure is real to be thin. It’s everywhere, but most importantly it sits in our heads.

And it sat in mine for a long time.

But at a certain point I got off the treadmill. I allowed myself to devote only 25-30 minutes at most to work-outs. I told the obsessor to jump in a lake, and cut my workouts down. Additionally (and more dangerously) I also allowed myself to eat what I wanted.

And what I wanted was frozen yogurt.

Every night I had a tradition of making tea and preparing my favorite nighttime snack. This was frozen yogurt (mint chocolate chip or the new Fage 0% blueberry) mixed with ginger cookies that were dipped in tea. This would make the cookies warm and gooey and would create a swirl in the frozen yogurt. This was always enjoyed while watching one of my favorite shows like “Modern Family” or “Girls” or “Happy Ending”….the ultimate double indulgence.

I became lazy about watching my food, and I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted. I told the perfectionist in me to relax, go put her feet up.

Then came the week of my boyfriend’s birthday. I ate cake four days in a row.

What I didn’t realize was that allowing myself to indulge made it less forbidden. The sweets were not as exciting because they were not off limits. The rebel in me became bored. Then at a certain point I no longer needed the desserts every night.

[Some of you might role your eyes..."oh Frozen Yogurt...that's the healthy stuff, she's crazy." The truth is when you are short and curvy and you're trying to lose a few pounds...eating a bunch of sugar (even fro yo)--before bed--will get you.]

After the fro yo indulgence and burnout I decided that was enough dessert and I wanted to be more aware of what I was eating. I wasn’t caving in to the enemy by being aware of my health, but rather going after something that I wanted for a long time–and that was being able to go to bed without dessert (or wine). Tracking what I ate didn’t seem horrible like it once did. And now I track what I eat.


The cookie monster within you will set you free

From tracking I realized I wasn’t eating enough during the day. What I learned from tracking my food is that you shouldn’t deprive yourself all day only to eat too much at night. Don’t let the diet industry manage your thoughts all day until you can’t take it anymore and you eat everything in the fridge.

Now I get to eat what I want during the day. I eat peanut butter. Sometimes I eat it twice a day. I don’t eat the whole jar, but I eat it. And it tastes wonderful. As of very recently I’m not eating chocolate protein bars anymore, but real chocolate…

And I feel a lot better. Neither weight watchers nor the gym nor a low carb, high protein diet were the answers for me. It was actually getting past the mental barriers in my mind about pleasure and deprivation.

There is a weird thing in America around eating. The big lie the diet industry tells us is we can shame and abuse ourselves into getting thin. The truth is you don’t abuse food when you don’t feel deprived of it.

So the psychology lesson is when you don’t deprive yourself, you end up empowered. You get control of your life and your choices. You do that by giving yourself what you need when you need it.

You can see my electronic hoarding of desserts on Pinterest. The hoarding is only happening online now I’m happy to report. Until I feel like eating cake again…and I will eat it, without guilt.

 

The Hungry Homemaker: How Women Are Taught To Feed While Depriving Herself

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I’m interested in the relationship between women and food. That being said I’ve been reading Fat is a Feminist issue by Susie Orbach. I’m reading this book because I’m curious about how woman are taught to be nurturers and providers, while also taught they must deprive themselves of food in order to be worthy.

As Susie Orbach wrote in her book that looks at compulsive eating, “The roots of compulsive eating in women stem from women’s position in society–she feeds everyone else, but her needs are personally illegitimate.”

To be slim is the ultimate achievement for women. But to magnify this pressure, it’s not just about being disciplined about what goes in your mouth, you also must be the perfect homemaker–crafty, DIY, it’s cool in a 50s kitschy way to be the perfect homemaker today in 2012.

There’s nothing wrong with being a stay at home mom, but there is something deeply wrong with the media’s relentless cacophony of messaging that women must be perfect. And we participate in the creation of this cultural reality for women.

Go look at Pinterest. Pinterest features an array of fashionable clothes, artfully witty infographics about feeling guilty for eating chocolate, tips on how to get a six pack, photos of Ryan Gosling, religious messages,  and aesthetically pleasing photographs of food. It’s like being in the mind of the girls from the Virgin Suicides if they ever grew up. It’s a scary place–and this ladies and gentleman is the dominant ideology of America in 2012.

“In a woman’s psychology, an important aspect of her self-esteem derives from her ability to be a good nurturer–in perhaps a parallel sense the aspect of self-esteem that a man derives from his job and his capacity to be the economic provider….if we take a look at almost any magazine that is directed at women, a woman is assaulted page after page with reminders about her responsibility to feed others…At the same time, the not-so-subtle message of women’s magazines and daytime television advertisements is that women cannot afford to rely on their judgement about what food is appropriate.”

What Susie Orbach wrote about in the late 70s is not a new story, but the sheer omnipresence of that story has grown due to the spread of technology. Everywhere we look we are told we must be thin and we must also be the providers–the one who makes the decision in the house about what’s for dinner.

Additionally women learn to hate their bodies at a young age, often through their relationship with their mothers. How she feels about herself is passed down through the generations.

“A woman’s body we learn, is not a very good or safe environment to live inside. Rarely are our mothers and other female adults able to convey to a young woman that her body, whatever natural shape it has is a source of pride and of beauty since they themselves have not been able to feel that….It is no wonder then that we become frightened of our bodies and see them not as where we live but as a part of us that we must control, watch and direct.”

That joke about the Jewish mother (or Greek mother or any mother), “eat, eat, you’re skin and bone” rings true. Women sweat to feed their families but when it comes to their own needs, forget about it. And not providing for the family in the kitchen makes you less of a woman.

“Food is what she gives to others but must deprive herself of. Food is good for others but somehow dangerous to the woman herself. Food, which is imbued with the spirit of giving when prepared for others, takes on a sinister face when women eat. A woman is meant to police her eating, to feel cautious of what she eats. Food is her power in the family, it is her way of caring for others. Food is her power in the family, it is a means by which she exerts incredible influence; she brings comfort, reward, reassurance through it.”

I want to know, as a society what is this obsession with looking like a teenage boy? Why is the media still dictating that the ideal woman looks like Justin Bieber, but has big boobs? Who is driving home that image? Are they straight?

We need to start questioning what we all take as normal and acceptable. It’s not acceptable.

Role Models, Media and Breaking Rules

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When I was a kid I was always in search of teachers.

I was [am] insatiably curious, and grew up mostly without the internet, so I found my mentors mostly in books–the authors and the characters.

I was “different”….and still am.

And when it came to television I never identified with the characters I was supposed to. Most of it written by people who are generations older, and most of it is written by men. How can a grown man know what it feels like to be a young girl/woman?

I watched television as if looking at a sociological experiment. Example of my thought bubble, “I suppose this is what normal human beings my age are supposed to enjoy. Isn’t that interesting [insert genuine unpretentious and curious tone here].”

Back to the books.

I lost myself in Margaret Atwood, Isabel Allende, Jennifer Weiner, Anne Lamott, Geneen Roth and Anita Diamant. I read books that were written for grown women. I wanted to be grown. I remember reading Ernest Hemingway’s “Garden of Eden,” a story that explores themes of androgyny, and thinking the female character Catherine Bourne didn’t feel very female–and that the women in the novel were treated with a very unfeminine and unsympathetic callousness that is necessary to bring a character to life.

Ernest Hemingway as depicted in Woody Allen’s film “Midnight in Paris.”

With books the reader is given more freedom to identify with the character of their choosing. With the lyrics to music, television and film, there is less room for your mind to wander. With books you are free to use your wild imagination to watch the characters from the balcony, and mentally insert your own variation on what happens.

The point of this post is to remind you that the world is your oyster. Books allow you to dream up whatever character you would like for yourself. They allow you to fly and swim and dream of a life different than your own.

Books are a treasure chest of truth in what can feel like a sea of plastic.

Does Her Costume Fit Me?

I was at the Hard Rock Casino in Las Vegas this weekend looking at music memorabilia. At the hotel are memorabilia including clothes worn by various music artists.

There’s Katy Perry’s outfit from “I kissed a girl,” Britney Spears’ outfit from “Baby one more time” and Christina Aguilera’s costume from “dirty” [this was before Aguilera had kids, gained about thirty pounds and put on a hilarious attitude  on the show The Voice where she's a judge].

There’s also memorabilia from the band Sublime, Sex Pistols, Pearl Jam and more. Comparing the clothing at this hotel in what could be the most gendered fake city in the world, I noticed how tiny and sexy the women’s clothing was, and how tall and thin the men’s clothing was.

My three thoughts when looking at the women’s clothing:

First thought, “would that fit me?”

Second thought, “wow she is much tinier than me.”

Third thought, “Blake, what the hell! You know better than to have this internal dialogue comparing your weight with pop stars. These women are puppets who are told they won’t make it unless they lose weight. You are a writer, not a celebrity. You are too old and wise to fall for these girl-traps.”

But alas we all do it.

I then walked back to the Sublime case of memorabilia, and was reminded of how I loved this band, but how the lyrics were mostly about being a guy, partying, and being tough (in a surfer/skater type of way). Bradley Nowell the songwriter and lead singer of the band didn’t think about what it would be like for women to listen to his music. When I listened to this type of music I never identified with the girl being discussed in the song. I always identified with the guy singing the song. The more I look back at favorite movies, tv or music I often identify with the male character–not as a male, but as a person with brain, with thoughts, with opinions, and with character.

As I grew up I picked pieces of people I liked and admired, and learned to mirror them. I never considered their gender, color, religion or any other things you would fill out on a survey. I was thirsty for people who were interesting, who were authentic, and who could teach me something. So as you set out on your week, especially those of you who are still in school or starting out your careers, my lesson for you is you can pick and choose the characters that you like to create your own narrative. Similar to the choose your own adventure books, you never should take what the media gives you at face value. Be smarter, break rules, and use the free territory of your mind to explore.

Because this is your adventure, and you have the power to choose your own guides, your own role models and your own costumes.

Five tips for surviving the holiday season and un-grumpying yourself

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I’m an honest person. Honest in that it’s hard for me to be fake. If I’m tired you’ll see it on my face. If I’m happy you’ll see it on my face. If I’m angry you’ll see it on my face. So in the spirit of being honest, I will tell you that I don’t wake up perky every morning. Some days I wake up straight up grumpy.

I have to make a decision every day to manage myself into a positive place. I meditate, I run, I do an assortment of things to change my outlook until it’s one of gratitude. And during the holidays, this can be harder. I’m not able to manage my environment the way I normally would.

During the holidays I need to work twice as hard spiritually to create a peaceful spiritual environment for myself.

So dear readers, happy holidays to you. Here are five things I do to bring calm and joy into my life. Please feel free to share your tips in the comments section of this blog.

Blake’s top five holiday season de-stressors:

1. Get exercise and fresh air. I work out almost every day. Many mornings I’m that non jogger-looking jogger who starts to awkwardly bust out a dance move on the track. The chorus of the Rihanna song I’m listening to is too “bumpin’” not to dance to. Sometimes I’ll sing while I run (and I’m a terrible singer). I don’t care if people can see me mouthing words. Pretty much every run, after about 18 minutes nothing can get me down. I’m officially a happier, nicer, kinder, softer person. This is the single most important part of my day.  Exercise is always a priority for me. Many days I don’t feel like it, but I don’t have an option. It’s being grumpy, or moving. A clear decision. Happiness for me is getting up every day and making the decision to move.

2. Wear something pretty when you’re feeling unattractive. Geneen Roth encourages her readers to wear red, particularly when they are feeling  fat or ugly or generally blah. She says if you have to wear a uniform to work, wear red lipstick, jewelry or nail polish. Since I woke up grumpy today I wore a bright coral pink top, pink necklace, pink earrings and pink shoes to make me feel…more rosey. I did my hair even though I didn’t feel like it. It is possible I look a little early ’90s today, but I don’t care. And I think it really contributed to an overall better day.

Geneen writes in her book “When You Eat At the Refrigerator: Pull Up A Chair:”

Red [or color in the same family] corresponds to courage, strength, autonomy and power. Red broadcasts energy, enthusiasm passion….Feeling fat has very little to do with last night’s bread pudding, and everything to do with .. self worth, between the size of our bodies and what we are allowed to do or say or be. Wearing red supports supports the idea that your past does not rule your life. ‘Though I ate bread pudding last night, and my stomach is awash with ripples today, I am still allowed to be strong and powerful. I am still allowed to be loved. So PIPE DOWN!’”

Geneen, you go girl.

3. Learn how to say no. Saying no can be incredibly empowering. By saying no you are essentially taking your life back. Ladies stop taking on everything. Don’t concern yourself with who likes you and who does not like you. Life is too short to live it for someone else. People are either on your bandwagon or not. Don’t change your priorities to suit the people who ask to become yours. When you spread yourself thin it’s not in the best interest of you or the people you make promises to you can’t keep. Be strong. Say the N word (NO).

4. Draw boundaries. This is related to number 3, saying no. This can be our toughest challenge as the blurring between personal and professional continues to happen. But try to keep some rules for yourself. Create boundaries for yourself, and stick to them. Most of us don’t have boundaries and this is the root of many of our problems. Boundaries boundaries boundaries. For example let other people solve their own problems. Let your friends/relatives set themselves up on their own dates, find their own jobs and lose weight when they’re ready their own way…don’t try to be the fixer of everyone around you. Many times the folks you try to help will end up resenting you anyway. People get help when they want to really get help. 

5. Use the bubble shield. Learn how to retreat into yourself, especially when you feel the chaotic holiday energy around you. As you move through different environments this holiday season imagine you are shielded by a bubble. The bubble protects your boundaries and allows you to quiet down inside and “retreat into yourself.” If you feel chaotic energy around you, you have the power to not participate. You have the power to create a blank slate in your mind. Imagine the ocean, imagine the forest, just do whatever you have to do to not engage your energy in holiday shenanigans. You’ll feel better about yourself after the fact.

And go easy on yourself this holiday season. If you can’t afford fancy gifts for people, don’t buy em. True gifts are meaningful–and those who love you will understand that. By taking better care of our hearts and our minds this holiday season we will all be ready to gear up for an amazing 2012.