Tag Archives: female

I’m Looking At You, the One Who Thinks It’s Not His Problem

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This note was written by a seven year old girl. Her mom found it. It’s a weight loss journal entry.

Screen Shot 2013-03-07 at 6.10.38 PM

The paper outlines her daughter’s weight-loss plan and reads:

17 pooshups 2 times a day

16 star jumps 2 time a day

2 yoget

3 appals

1 per

2 keewee froots

5 glases of water

Rid my bike 3 times a day

Rariry a meniy thing as you can find

Jog/run up and down the driv way 3 times

I don’t care if you’re a dad a 20 something year old or a CEO–you matter. You’re not doing enough. As the media becomes more powerful women are becoming meeker and meeker. To be a frail, small and quiet woman is to be the beauty ideal. Don’t believe me? Turn on any technology device. Look at the women. What do they look like to you? What kind of world will this be in 20 years?

It will take YOU–the person who feels this isn’t their problem–speaking up.

Every time you don’t speak up, you’re part of the problem. Every time you don’t say something when the following happens….

You’re at a party and someone makes a comment about how “fat chicks” are disgusting.
You gawk at other women and objectify them.
You make comments about a woman’s looks.
You tell your daughter if she’s thin she’ll have more options for marriage.
You work in public relations, advertising, or entertainment and you don’t put normal looking women of average weight in your media.
You don’t put even 1 woman on your event’s speaker faculty.
You don’t throw the softball with your daughter at the park.
You don’t teach your daughter math.
You hold your son to higher intellectual standards.

The Sheryl Sandberg Lean In project has generated a huge stir among women, but why aren’t men talking about it? Where are they in the conversation?  We can either brainwash our girls into hating themselves–and creating an even scarier civilization with self-hating mothers–or you can help bring about change.

“You may not agree with a woman, but to criticize her appearance — as opposed to her ideas or actions — isn’t doing anyone any favors, least of all you. Insulting a woman’s looks when they have nothing to do with the issue at hand implies a lack of comprehension on your part, an inability to engage in high-level thinking. You may think she’s ugly, but everyone else thinks you’re an idiot.” ~ Hillary Clinton

 

 

Being Curvy, Vulnerability & Success: 5 Truths This Week

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I haven’t been writing much because I’ve been working, but I think about you. I think  of how I can translate what is going on in my head and share what I’m feeling and thinking. Some days I think in possible blog post ideas.

No I don’t think this is healthy or normal.

Here’s my attempt at unpacking what has been in my head and heart this week.

1. How you experience the world is a reflection of what is going on in your head. As Dr. Wayne Dyer said, “Loving people live in a loving world, hostile people live in a hostile world, same world.” I’ve realized awareness, breath and compassion are the answer to pretty much everything.

2. You cannot solve the world’s problems by obsessing over them. Whenever I drive the i5 I get sad. I get sad because I see stretches of cows and fields of animals–and I know somewhere along this stretch an animal is being hurt. I suppose this is the former vegetarian meat eater’s dilemma. Sometimes I get sad at the gym on the cardio equipment as I look up at screens to see bombs go off and overly done up anchors translating the human suffering in a specific tone and script. I find it disturbing to be on an elliptical machine at the gym while my eyes well up in tears seeing bombs going off. I see friend’s Facebook status’ that says their cousins might have to go off to war in the middle east. This breaks my heart. And then I have to continue on my day because I have responsibilities, clients and life to tend to. I don’t like war. Recently I heard a rabbi give a talk. He said women are life and birth. Men create wars. I don’t know if this is true, but I do wonder if the world was run by women if there would be so much war. I’m scared to bring little babies into a world where killing one another is normal and we see it on TV and in video games. On a related note, a baby boomer recently said to me that in 100 years when global warming will really will become a problem we will all be gone. Well I plan on having babies. Maybe a few of them. And I certainly don’t want to hand them over a shitty world with crappy air so they can’t enjoy soccer like I got to growing up.

This is what I tell myself to make myself feel better.

Just because the media and advertising attempts to plant fear and darkness into your mind doesn’t mean you need to water that seed. There is pain and suffering in the world, but thinking about all the pain and suffering in the world is not going to ease the pain and suffering in the world. It’s going to leave you feeling exhausted and joyless. Focus on what’s in front of you. Stay in the moment. Breathe. Make small miracles in your life and for those around you. You matter. And that matters!

3. There’s always another train coming. Life can feel like whatever is in front of us at the moment is the only thing we have to hold on to. The truth is the universe manifests opportunities for us when we aren’t looking–when we’re putting in our best effort in other parts of our life. Let go of whatever you have your nails dug in. It will still be there. If not another one’s comin soon!

4. See how it feels to let go. I’m currently reading Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love and Parent. In her book she talks about how when she’s feeling vulnerable, instead of leaning into the vulnerability and discomfort, her first impulse is to control. And many of us do that. We set out to control everything around us in order to maintain homeostasis. But as Suze Orman says (when referring to our inclination to accumulate things) see how it feels to LET GO. Let it go. You will feel a huge weight lifted off your shoulders.

5. Why do curvy girls go to the back of the class? I take a lot of classes at the gym. I’m in LA this month and everything in LA–as it relates to looks–feels extreme–a caricature of itself. At the gym in LA all the thin women go straight to the front of the aerobics classes. The curvy women stay in the back of the class. Why is that? I might be curvy but I know that I like to be able to see what I’m doing in the class so I don’t do things with bad form–even if I’m shaking things that Cosmo Magazine tells me are problem areas. Screw you Cosmo–I love my problem areas! I might not look like a model, but I sure don’t sit in the back and hide. I ask myself what are other venues where curvy women move to the back of the class so as not to be seen?

Dear women’s self-esteem revolution, I give you permission to start happening now. Sincerely, curvy aerobics going ruminator, Blake.

Successful Business Women Push Back

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It’s not through an easy breezy time do you learn the hard lessons. It’s through those challenging moments where it takes everything you’ve got….

And for many of us (stubborn folks like myself) the best way to learn is through trial and error. And I’ve had a lot of…you know…errors. There are so many things I would say if I could talk to the younger version of me. I hope that other women don’t have to wait around until they figure out the answers the hard way.

What I want to say to the younger version of myself about pushing back

There are so many roadblocks in the corporate world and in life. The most successful people are constantly figuring out ways to overcome those challenges, despite how uncomfortable that can be.

There will be no shortage of people who tell you 1. you can’t do that 2. here are all the hard rules why we won’t let you do that.

As a young woman at a job in a big city, when I did make leaps in my career–many times it was by throwing out the standard rules within the corporation. The biggest jumps in my career were through pushing back.

I asked for opportunities I wasn’t perfectly qualified for, I negotiated my salary when I found out about people with the same role making more than me, and I jumped departments to the chagrin of my bosses.

I didn’t have a fallback plan. I was alone in NYC. No trust fund, no husband, no desire to go live with my parents.

I’m currently reading the book Pushback by Selena Rezvani which talks about all the ways women shortchange themselves at work. It also provides some powerful tools for women on how to be better negotiators.

I’ve been listening to a lot of my female friends lately who complain about their situations at work.

They are very unhappy and can’t change the situation because of X, Y and Z. They tell me if they push back they could be fired. Their boss would be mad if they mentioned being disgruntled about salary…and so on and so forth.

I want to inspire women to get angry about the fact that is it possible these women wouldn’t be treated this way if they were male. I want to stress the point here that I don’t hate men, and I don’t believe men are without their share of challenges at work. However I see the stat that women make 77.8 cents to the dollar earned by men in the U.S. Then I hear my friends tell me how unhappy they are, and all the reasons they can’t make the change they want to see in their lives. So many rules, I don’t want to offend so and so, I don’t want to get fired….

Women have recently told me they don’t want to offend their bosses by questioning their pay although they know men with a similar role who get paid tens of thousands more than them. I don’t hear about a lot of men being told they need to be more likeable at work.

[Again I will emphasize that I don't hate men, and I don't think they don't have their own challenges. Just ask my boyfriend Jacob.]

The only thing that stops women from getting what they want are themselves.

We need to stop following these “hard rules.” These rules are not so hard once you start to scratch the surface. You reading this blog–you are talented, you are valuable, and you are worthy. So do your homework, keep track of your accomplishments and start telling yourself and the people around you a different story. One of worth.

Women don’t push back enough. Research in the book Pushback proves that a woman’s ability to push back has an astonishingly direct correlation to her success.

That means women who ask for what they want get what they want.

From experience I can tell you you’ll have to be prepared to leave, but most times if you ask for what you want you won’t have to leave. You’ll find that by figuring out your own negotiation style people will respect you more. Here’s what the book had to say:

“What caught my attention most in analyzing my data was the answer to a numerical question. I asked women leaders, “Assuming a woman’s career success equals 100 percent what percentage is accounted for by her effectiveness in negotiating and pushing back?….The executives I met with felt, on average, that a full 60 percent of a woman’s career success hinges on her pushback skills.”

I am telling you, THIS IS YOUR LIFE. We don’t know what happens after this life. As far as science tells us this is YOUR ONE KNOWN SHOT to design your life into the most amazing experience possible. Seize the day.

That means you (ladies) need to take the reins of your life. You are directing the show. This is YOUR time to take control of YOUR LIFE and make the changes you want to see.

Turn off that Disney reel in your head. A man will not come in on a horse and buggy and take you off to cindarella-land.

The higher-ups at work don’t go to sleep at night thinking of how they can improve your quality of life. This is up to YOU!

Go get it girl. Make it happen!

And if you want to join my community join other women who are navigating the same journey at Project Enough!

This Is What A Business Woman Looks Like

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I am building my business Artemis, and as a result I do a lot of networking.

Every week I meet with women of all backgrounds and professions. Generally it’s in the form of coffees, or even groups of women who invite me into their closed circles as a guest.

This last week I did this at least four times. One of the events I attended was put on by a fabulous female founder’s networking organization I’ve recently joined called NAWBO. It was Women Trailblazers In The Wine Industry. The speaking part of the event featured moderator Sharon Harris, Owner of Rarecate Wine Panelists Ziggy Eschliman, a.k.a. Ziggy the Wine gal Celia Welch, Owner and Winemaker of Corra Wines Katherine Inman. Owner and Winemaker, Inman Family Wines and Lesley Russell, VP Marketing at St. Supery.

They all had incredible stories about how they got to where they were now. All of them mentioned the difficulties of working in a male dominated field. What was interesting to me about the panel was the starkly different personalities who had all created very successful careers for themselves.

What Does A Successful Business Woman Look Like?

If you would have asked me to create what I thought a successful business woman looked like when I was 15 years old I would have drawn something similar to what we see in the stock photo images we see on websites. She would be angular and slim, in a tight fitting black suit, high heels, pearls and stockings. She’d be standing, hunched over the desk with one hand down on the table looking ready to pounce.

If you google “business woman,” you get something somewhat similar to what I describe. Although in reality (according to google image results) she has dark hair, glasses and a black suit with a white collar (something you might find a hostess wearing at a nice restaurant). She generally has her arms folded over her chest or her hand on her chin. She’s always smiling.

What I’ve come to realize is there’s no one size fits all business woman look. The one defining characteristic among all business women is resilience. They keep getting back up no matter how many times they fall down.

Women who work in business tend to have thick skin–or whatever you call having to deal with hardship, setback, skepticism, dismissive assumptions by colleagues, being the nurturer for the family while carrying the burden of work, children, marriage challenges (sometimes divorce)… Women become tough when they realize how incredibly strong they have to be to survive through all of life’s pressures. This doesn’t mean men don’t have pressures, but it means they have more support systems set up for themselves. After all we’ve only been in the workforce for about half a century. We don’t have the centuries of support systems that catch us when we fall.

From what I can tell, when we fall we eat dirt and look for ways to clean ourselves up without making it anyone else’s burden.

There are words that people have created for women when we ask for what we want. Nagging, crazy, screetchy voice, needy….but the truth is, if a man were to say the same things in the same tone, he would just be called “direct” or “a man who demands excellence” or “creative genius.”

Corporate Women Mentoring Programs, All Talk and No Action?

Recently I met with a woman at a large consumer packaged goods company. She told me that while the company acts like it supports internal support systems for women, when it comes to actual mentoring and a culture of support, it’s non-existent.

Once I worked with an executive in the tech industry who told me he did not believe women were an under-served group of the population. He rolled his eyes that I believed women needed special support in the business world.

Instead of waiting around for employers or the other people in our lives to understand what we need, we need to go out and create it for ourselves. We need to create it for the next generation of women, and continue to create cultures of support across America.

Regarding media for men vs. media for women….even the media that is created for men convinces men of their own confidence, power and potential. For women the media saturates us with messages of insecurity, anxiety, subordinance and fear.

Enough is enough. The more women can come together and realize the potential–that there is nothing above our heads but endless sky and nothing around our hearts except unconditional love–we will improve as an under-served group of the population.

There is no real competition. The idea of women having to compete with each other for opportunities, love and success is a fallacy.

The more one of us succeeds the more possibilities for the next one. If we stop competing by trying to meet the standards that our culture has created for us, and come together, the better we will turn out collectively.

I saw a quote this week on twitter from Project Eve. The quote was:

“It’s not about breaking through the glass ceiling, it’s about building your own house.” 

We all can build houses where women can be themselves. Where we sit around the room in circles with wine or chocolate or a yoga mat and nothing to ingest and talk, candidly.

Brave

I went to an event this week and I did an exercise with a group of women. The exercise was an ice breaker to figure out commonalities among the group. I later found out one of the group members happened to be Katherine Sarafian the Producer of the Pixar movie Brave.

I was delightfully surprised that if you open your eyes and look around, you are much closer to the people who share your values than you assume on first glance. I had no clue this woman was the mind behind Brave, a feminist cartoon movie that changed the game for the entire entertainment industry. It was the first movie I’ve seen to depict an independent female lead who doesn’t believe a fairytale prince charming will solve her life.

Get Out of the House and Meet With Other Women

The more I “get out of the house” and meet with other women in my community the happier I am. The more I realize that there is no cookie cutter “business woman” that exists. I learn that really successful women ask for what they want, and more importantly give themselves what they need.

They put themselves first.

That is how women go on to create hugely successful careers in industries like wine, media and more.

What did you think a “business woman” looked like when you were growing up? Were you right?

How the Modern Woman Lives Gracefully

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There are still days when I lose myself. I don’t have the control over my mind that I find easy on other days. My thought bubbles start leaking oil….

“I should be thinner”
“I’m not wearing the right outfit”
“Do I really seem like a career woman?”
“Do I have enough money in the bank?”
“That girl is so thin, she must be happy”
“I don’t look very hot today.”

[no I'm not making this up]

Then I stop my mind from this free fall.

I make the mental stretch to change the channel.

Firstly I know that none of these things make me happy, and none of these things (that I was telling myself I lacked) define who I am. Secondly I remember you can never assume anything about anyone else. Thirdly, I remember that what you focus on grows, and if you come from a “have not” frame of mind you’re not going to realize the big dreams you have for yourself.

As this channel change happens, I remind myself of who I am and what I have and what I stand for today. I remind myself that I am different and that’s what makes me special. I remember I do not value what mainstream society’s marketing values. Then I start to celebrate all the things that make me different.

Here are some of my thoughts on where modern “Grace” doesn’t come from. [It's "modern" because I am re-writing my own rules on valuable traits, because I am not a fan of the value set my society has marketed to me].

1. Grace doesn’t come from looking like someone else.

2. Grace doesn’t come from being 10 pounds lighter.

3. Grace doesn’t come from having a certain job title.

4. Grace doesn’t come from having a fancy car.

5. Grace doesn’t come from looking perfect.

6. Grace doesn’t come from having a ring on your finger.

7. Grace doesn’t come from having a perfectly clean house.

8. Grace doesn’t come from behaving like a nice girl all the time.

9. Grace doesn’t come from anything you can hold or wear.

10. Grace doesn’t come from buying a house or apartment.

So now let’s look at where modern “Grace” comes from.

1. Community. Building meaningful relationships based on trust. Friendships, family relationships, romantic relationships–studies show that belonging to a group or community makes people happy. Researchers found that people with strong social connections have less stress-related health problems, lower risk of mental illness, and faster recovery from trauma or illness. As someone who prefers to be alone or in small groups, I need a reminder of this more than anyone. Get out of the house!

2. Spirit. Fighting for what you want in your life, fighting your internal road blocks and a heightened awareness of your own weaknesses so you can prepare for those moments when life throws you a curve ball. The most attractive women I know have immense spirits. They are community builders, they are fixers, they are healers, they are movers (and shakers), they are can-do women. To be traditionally attractive you have to spend a lot of time “taking care of yourself” eg. shopping, nail salons, make-up, hair, exercising….This is the antithesis of building up a big spirit (though I will say exercising makes us happier humans, and more compassionate to others). Just because the incredible marketing engine of our America mostly encourages women to look perfect, rather than be big contributors to their communities, doesn’t mean you have to absorb this message. You can write a different story for yourself. I am slowly and awkwardly doing this for myself, and I feel more alive than I have in years.

3. Compassion. Having a soft heart for others, and a soft non-judgemental heart for yourself will differentiate you as a person. The most compassionate people I know glow with luminosity. None of them look like Gisele Bundchen. What billboard today reads, “Compassion is hot”? I’m going to create one. You cannot be non-judgemental toward others until you stop judging yourself. Remember that when you open your mouth to judge someone else–you’re talking about yourself.

4. Me time. Grace comes from having a quiet mind and spirit. Take time for yourself. Write in your journal, meditate, take a bath, take a swim, dance in your bedroom….but please take time for yourself.

5. Emotional wealth. The most attractive graceful people I know have an immense presence. They have an immense amount of joy that doesn’t come from anything material. You get the sense they are just grateful, easy to please people. I’m working on this one, but I notice the more gentle I am with myself when I look in the mirror or I step on a scale, the happier I feel toward others. I realize for everyone this doesn’t have to do with judging your physical self, but for me this has been a long battle that only now am I starting to win.

What makes you feel graceful? Please share in the comments section below.

Do You Say Yes! To YourSELF?

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Sunday I attended an event put on by Lee Richter a local Oakland business owner with 5 companies including a successful pet hospital Montclair Vet. She invited money expert Loral Langemeier to speak. Loral has a 100 million dollar company.

Loral looked right at me when talking about wealth because I admitted I swore by Suze Orman (who talks about debt as if it’s a sin). And I don’t take on debt ever. Loral said that Suze Orman’s attitude about wealth and debt were not helpful for entrepreneurs. She said that really successful female entrepreneurs are great risk takers.

Loral also talked about women and our feeling that we need to “take people with us.” That means we can’t move forward unless everyone around us gives us the go ahead to do so. But if you are a female entrepreneur you know that often you are doing things despite the frowns from family, friends and strangers.

At the end of the day it’s about your attitude toward yourself and your dreams. Do you say YES to yourself? Do you have that unshakable belief in yourself? Do you give yourself a permission slip to go after your dreams?

Here are ten declarations I received from this weekend’s talk I’d like to share with you. They are meaningful for me because I believe women (like me) need to change their attitude toward money (and making it).

Ten Declarations To Cleanse Your Attitude About Attracting “Plenty”

  1. I deserve to be wealthy, healthy and happy.
  2. Wealth comes to me easily.
  3. My money bucket is expanding daily.
  4. A part of all I earn is mine to keep.
  5. My income increases every day–whether I’m working, sleeping or playing.
  6. Ever dollar I spend comes back to me multiplied.
  7. All my investments are profitable.
  8. Money now comes to me in unexpected ways–for the good of all concerned.
  9. I’m always in the right place at the right time.
  10. I love my life!

As your attitude toward what is in the cards for you changes, notice your life change.  I am not someone who puts a great emphasis on money. I value my relationships, my beliefs and my dog above money–and I always have. However I do feel that all women can benefit from feeling worthy, deserving and asking for what they want.

I believe in you!

Be Curious, Not Judgemental

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“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”- Dr. Wayne Dryer

Lately I’ve changed the way I look at people. I’m becoming a less judgemental person.

Now when I notice something that sits weird with me about someone I meet,  I look at myself and think–this person must represent part of me, because that characteristic wouldn’t strike me as different if it didn’t remind me of a part of myself. I become curious about it–rather than judgemental.

I will be the first one to admit that I have spent my entire adulthood judging myself, and judging the people around me, however I’m realizing how damaging this cycle is, and I’m committed to changing the dialogue.

So much so that I’m willing to publicly blog about it.

When you judge others you are judging yourself. Join me in making a personal commitment to softening the way you treat yourself, and seeing the way you view others soften as well.

The “Pundit”

Entire networks run on the idea of judgement, and judgement as fact. Pundits on the news networks get paid to literally sit and run their mouths making judgements about everything under the sun.

These shows make it look exciting and sexy to be a judge. One has to wonder if they carry this energy home with them, and the talking head continues to run as they stare in the mirror or in their relationships with their friends and family members.

You also see judgement alive and well in the women’s movement. The political right and left lambast each other.

The tabloids are a multi-million dollar industry devoted to judgment. While we know the people who write this stuff probably don’t look like the celebrities that are criticized.

Why judge how others want to spend their life if it’s not harming you?

Another example is people who are cruel toward a particular group for example people who attack the gay community. Here’s an article a friend posted on twitter about people who have attacked the gay community (who actually turned out to be gay). There are so many examples of this throughout history, and think of all the pain and sorrow not only caused to the victims of the attacks but to the people who harbor so much hatred, anger and obviously misguided emotion.

Changing the Dialogue

I’ve talked a lot about Project Enough, and this idea of judgement is relevant to this project because I believe we need to change the dialogue in our minds on a personal level and the dialogues in mainstream media on a public level. For now it takes every ounce of our strength to change the game, and create a boundary between what’s “out there” and what’s “in here.”

As a society we have moved so far away from meaning. We have made the house of celebrities, looks, and judgement a temple where we pray. And I find this very sad, and refuse to follow this mainstream discourse in my own one life I have to live here on earth.

Join me.

Athena’s Top Six Suggestions For Being a Successful Female Entrepreneur

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You can’t wake up in a bad mood when an 11 pound ball of furry love and glee pounces on your stomach and lunges to give you too many kisses. Meet Athena, my 24-7 reminder that the world is good and fair and there’s always room for love.

The thing about dogs is they love you no matter what–when your hair looks like a bird’s nest, when you’ve gained weight, when you’re grumpy, when you didn’t pay your Nordstrom bill on time….dogs are truly woman’s best friend.

New age woo woo names

I obviously have a new age woo woo fondness for goddesses as I’ve named my dog [Athena] and my business [Artemis] after them. And you know what? I just prefer to walk on the new age woo woo side of life–because it’s a softer more fun and much funnier side of life where we can reflect and consider our spirits and our feelings. So back to my fondness for goddess names, I will also tell you one of my best friend’s names is Aphrodite. I don’t know why it happened this way with the goddess theme in my life, but it did! Athena, Artemis, Aphrodite….oh my!

Athena–in Greek mythology–is the goddess of wisdom, war, the arts, industry, justice and skill. Women who start their own businesses arguably have to encompass all of these traits at different times. We have to use our intuition to know when to use what tools in our toolbox, who to trust, who to learn from, and how to trust ourselves to drive. While my dog Athena knows nothing about driving, she can provide some important life lessons on how to live. Athena teaches me something new every day. Here she shows us some important lessons that will help us be happier, stronger and emotionally wealthier entrepreneurs.

Here are Athena’s six life lessons for female entrepreneurs.

1. Have playtime. 

Women are great entrepreneurs because we work hard, we’re great multi-taskers, and we are passionate about our work. At the same time we have a habit of getting very much “in our heads.” That means we can’t see the big picture because we’re so caught up in the day to day. Most of us have our best ideas when we’re doing something mindless like taking a shower, going for a run or chopping veggies. Having hobbies outside of work–and tme for play–will help get the creative juices flowing, and give us important time to breathe. By adding play and whimsy into our lives, not only will we find we’re more productive when we do sit down to work, but we will come up with better problem solving for work related things. Additionally doing things with friends is very important to our sense of belonging and feelings of self worth.

2. Spend time with the big dogs.

It’s not surprising that very successful people want to hang out with very successful people. However, I believe that mentoring newbies is very spiritually rewarding and gratifying. I would encourage more established women entrepreneurs and executives to spend time mentoring the young-ins. Also if nothing else, it makes you grateful for how far you’ve come! Young-ins, it’s so important to have mentors, and to spend time with people who are where you want to be. Try and find good people who are smart, established and didn’t cut corners to get to where they are–learn from them. Ask a lot of questions!

3. Work what your mama gave you [also known as use what makes you different to your advantage].

It’s often the very thing we try to hide that makes us special or unique. When we realize that it’s important to “be yourself, because everyone else is taken” [thank you Oscar Wilde] we start to attract people to us. Despite how hard the media and ad industry have tried to make us believe that people are only attracted to a very specific cookie cutter mold, the truth is people are attracted to other people that are vibrant, that shine.  We attract what we want when we are excited about what we’re doing, and we are feeling spiritually wealthy and joyful. That “sheen” comes from living your life, being you–flaws ‘n all. People are attracted to authenticity and passion. Wear what your mama gave you, and don’t try to hide those “flaws,” instead use them to your advantage. “Women are never stronger than when they arm themselves with their weaknesses.” – Madame Marie du Deffand.

4. Go for it!

Over analyzing every detail of a move can slow us down. Sometimes the very thing we’re afraid of is joy and success. When you don’t give yourself time to noodle over something for too long, you will be more prone to do it. As Bill Cosby once said, “First, decide what you truly want. Then, decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it” or let’s learn from Amelia Earhart who said, “The most effective way to do it, is to do it.” Athena tells us “just dive in.” What doesn’t kill you ultimately makes you stronger. Or at least provides some funny stories/blog/book material.

5. “Every morning we are born again.” -Buddha

My dog freaks out every time we go for a walk. She wags her tail back and forth like a ticking clock and smiles a big toothy grin! When we walk, like a true connoisseur she wants to smell every piece of grass, every flower, and every dog we meet along the way. She has pure pleasure from even the most simple activity–being outside on a walk.

Something goes awry with humans in the process of growing older–we lose our sense of whimsy–and become desensitized to life’s small pleasures. We become unaware of the sheer miracle of being alive. Every day is a chance to enjoy something new, learn something about the world, about ourselves. My dog reminds me every day to be a softer, gentler human being–one that walks with gratitude.

6. Rest.

It’s an important part of life. Give yourself time throughout the day to be quiet. It is said that when we quiet down, we truly hear what the universe are trying to tell us. Often we already have the answers we are looking for, but we can’t hear them with all the noise. We all need to go out of our way to provide time for quiet and rest (most times that also means no television–no engagement). Remember life is not a race, it’s a marathon. We need time throughout to be quiet.

And with that please feel free to share with me and Athena what your suggestions are for being a better female entrepreneur. We’re all ears!

Women Who Take Up Space

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When I was a little girl I realized I was different than everyone else. My parents were eccentric–my mom was an artist and painter who always had feminist friends over for coffee though I don’t think any of them would call themselves feminists (or even realized they seemed that way compared to other women). My father was a Jewish psychiatrist.

As I grew older in orange county I soon realized I didn’t fit in. And no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t squeeze myself into the standards of the town I grew up in.

I wasn’t the carefree waify fun loving California girl that was the popular personality at my high school. I hated most of high school–a high school with an award winning football and cheer team. These people seemed to be higher up on the food chain. For most of high school I felt like a bottom feeder. I wish someone would have told me that the bottom feeders generally blossom long after high school.

White Culture

The little contact I had with other cultures at my mostly white school was a glimpse into a world I envied. It appeared in other cultures women were celebrated in a different way.

While I don’t want to generalize here, I saw in other non-white cultures strong female personalities were not silenced. I was looking for examples of women who didn’t use self-effacing tactics to make themselves seem submissive, and women who didn’t put themselves up for sale.

I felt very unhappy and disenchanted with the culture I was submerged in. As I mentioned I am Jewish however we were largely assimilated into Christian culture–something many Jews did after World War II to avoid anti-Semitism.

I wanted to live in a culture where big women didn’t try to make themselves disappear. Where the highest rewards didn’t come from being sexually attractive according to white societies standards.

I wanted to live in a world where the pressures weren’t around appearing perfect and looking perfect. I was looking for meaning, and I only found it in books, film and music. So I became a bit of a recluse in high school. I spent my weekends with friends exploring book stores, cooking exotic food and watching foreign films.

I envied other ritual-rich cultures where celebration and color were applauded, different than how suffocated I felt in the heart of white culture. 

I am not claiming that life is perfect in non-white cultures. From a cross-cultural perspective, women have it hard, and are held to different standards. However there did appear to be more room for variation in non-white culture.

Eventually while I didn’t look like a hip-hop girl I listened to Missy Elliot and Mary J. Blige, listening to the heartfelt  words of their unapologetic and soulful music.

I was interested in seeing non waifish women on tv. Admittedly I watched a lot of the Food Network to find these personalities.

I really wanted out and when I left for college, I never looked back. I moved to New York for five years and came back to California with a different lens.

Today I intend on being part of changing the experience for younger women. With the media’s increasing power and saturation it’s scary to see how easy it is for destructive messages to seep into young women’s minds.

I don’t apologize for calling out the fact that the way we treat women in the media and in our institutions is a problem. Those who read this and roll their eyes can move on, and those who read this and nod their heads can join in.

Women look to the media to understand their place. Women look to the media for cues on social norms–and to see their own potential. We need media outlets that shift the messaging and show women who don’t apologize for taking up space. We need the internet, tv, and the movie industry to allow real depictions of women, rather than just hypersexualized underfed hollow women. It’s time.