Tag Archives: business

Gravitas About Gratitude

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Oh gratitude, it has taken me so long to understand how you work. And most days I do, and if I don’t I know how to get back to you, even if it takes all day.

When I left my life in New York City almost three years ago [after meeting Jacob to move back to California where I was from] I had no clue what I was getting into. All I had was a little intuition that the life I was leading needed to change.

Sometimes people ask me advice. They ask me what to do with their relationship. They ask me about self esteem. They ask me about career direction. They ask me about anxiety.

Through my own journey I’ve learned to respond to others with questions rather than answers. All the advice in the world can’t change someone. The metaphors about moving through the darkness before seeing the light are true–but when a person is in darkness it’s hard to contemplate light, let alone see it. In this society we do everything in our nature as humans to organize and control what feels like an unpredictable world. We are terrified of darkness and quiet.

Sometimes you have to fake yourself out to be able to see what I call “the light.” Eventually that story of light becomes your reality, but the journey to that point is terrifying. You can’t see what’s in front of you.

What I’ve learned is the big tests are not in any one moment. The tests are inl the moments leading up; the preparation, the habitual good choices, the optimism. The tests are the late nights spent hovering over work. It’s those nights you spend scrubbing that one last spot on XYZ. The tests are in the mornings where you wake up on the wrong side of the bed and the commitment to not act out of frustration–but take the time to change your state. The tests are in those moments where one decides to make great sacrifices of what’s comfortable in order to do what needs to be done. The tests are the two roads diverged in the wood, and you take the right one, not the easy one.

The Big Secret: the Answers Are ALL INSIDE

This year I got serious about looking inside. I got serious about being grateful for what’s in front of me rather than some moment in the future. This is the year that I spent thousands on getting better tools to communicate and show respect to people in my life. I spent countless resources and hours on self improvement. I made it my job.

I committed to going to long way to be a better person.

Today I give myself a very long leash. I don’t force myself to do things just because they’ve been ingrained in me. I’ve learned how to work myself out of a system I was not happy in. I’ve learned to accept and embrace that I am mostly separate from the dominant system we operate it. I have chosen to work outside of it because it makes me content.

Here’s my official 2012 gratitude list.

1. The choice to be positive.
2. The escape into my own mind and body during meditation
3. That I learned how to channel all the angst and pain I felt into something positive (see Project Enough).
4. My love and forever man Jacob who has been with me through really thick and and really thin.
5. My smiling puppy Athena who cuddles with me while watching Netflix when Jacob is out of town.
6. That I healed myself, and in doing so healed my relationships (family, friends and otherwise).
7. Gilfriend Suze Orman who has been my unofficial money mentor.
8. I’m grateful for my clients–all of whom I admire and respect–and give me the opportunity to work on things I love for people I care about.
9. I’m VERY grateful that I have dealt with the mishagas so that now I am a stronger person–and all of that was a result of being vulnerable and learning how to ask for help.
10. Grateful that I don’t feel the rush as I used to. I have learned how to slow down, read things twice, and think about consequences before I act.

The point of this post is no one can tell you what to do. You need to feel it in your bones that you need to change–whatever that journey is–and through that journey you will gain the understanding, and then the physical terrain of your life will change–in a big way–and when it finally does happen it will happen overnight.

More than anything I’m grateful for the life I have. Life is a precious and beautiful thing–and it should not be taken for granted.

If you’re interested I wrote a gratitude list with Jacob in 2010 and another one in 2011.

Successful Business Women Push Back

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It’s not through an easy breezy time do you learn the hard lessons. It’s through those challenging moments where it takes everything you’ve got….

And for many of us (stubborn folks like myself) the best way to learn is through trial and error. And I’ve had a lot of…you know…errors. There are so many things I would say if I could talk to the younger version of me. I hope that other women don’t have to wait around until they figure out the answers the hard way.

What I want to say to the younger version of myself about pushing back

There are so many roadblocks in the corporate world and in life. The most successful people are constantly figuring out ways to overcome those challenges, despite how uncomfortable that can be.

There will be no shortage of people who tell you 1. you can’t do that 2. here are all the hard rules why we won’t let you do that.

As a young woman at a job in a big city, when I did make leaps in my career–many times it was by throwing out the standard rules within the corporation. The biggest jumps in my career were through pushing back.

I asked for opportunities I wasn’t perfectly qualified for, I negotiated my salary when I found out about people with the same role making more than me, and I jumped departments to the chagrin of my bosses.

I didn’t have a fallback plan. I was alone in NYC. No trust fund, no husband, no desire to go live with my parents.

I’m currently reading the book Pushback by Selena Rezvani which talks about all the ways women shortchange themselves at work. It also provides some powerful tools for women on how to be better negotiators.

I’ve been listening to a lot of my female friends lately who complain about their situations at work.

They are very unhappy and can’t change the situation because of X, Y and Z. They tell me if they push back they could be fired. Their boss would be mad if they mentioned being disgruntled about salary…and so on and so forth.

I want to inspire women to get angry about the fact that is it possible these women wouldn’t be treated this way if they were male. I want to stress the point here that I don’t hate men, and I don’t believe men are without their share of challenges at work. However I see the stat that women make 77.8 cents to the dollar earned by men in the U.S. Then I hear my friends tell me how unhappy they are, and all the reasons they can’t make the change they want to see in their lives. So many rules, I don’t want to offend so and so, I don’t want to get fired….

Women have recently told me they don’t want to offend their bosses by questioning their pay although they know men with a similar role who get paid tens of thousands more than them. I don’t hear about a lot of men being told they need to be more likeable at work.

[Again I will emphasize that I don't hate men, and I don't think they don't have their own challenges. Just ask my boyfriend Jacob.]

The only thing that stops women from getting what they want are themselves.

We need to stop following these “hard rules.” These rules are not so hard once you start to scratch the surface. You reading this blog–you are talented, you are valuable, and you are worthy. So do your homework, keep track of your accomplishments and start telling yourself and the people around you a different story. One of worth.

Women don’t push back enough. Research in the book Pushback proves that a woman’s ability to push back has an astonishingly direct correlation to her success.

That means women who ask for what they want get what they want.

From experience I can tell you you’ll have to be prepared to leave, but most times if you ask for what you want you won’t have to leave. You’ll find that by figuring out your own negotiation style people will respect you more. Here’s what the book had to say:

“What caught my attention most in analyzing my data was the answer to a numerical question. I asked women leaders, “Assuming a woman’s career success equals 100 percent what percentage is accounted for by her effectiveness in negotiating and pushing back?….The executives I met with felt, on average, that a full 60 percent of a woman’s career success hinges on her pushback skills.”

I am telling you, THIS IS YOUR LIFE. We don’t know what happens after this life. As far as science tells us this is YOUR ONE KNOWN SHOT to design your life into the most amazing experience possible. Seize the day.

That means you (ladies) need to take the reins of your life. You are directing the show. This is YOUR time to take control of YOUR LIFE and make the changes you want to see.

Turn off that Disney reel in your head. A man will not come in on a horse and buggy and take you off to cindarella-land.

The higher-ups at work don’t go to sleep at night thinking of how they can improve your quality of life. This is up to YOU!

Go get it girl. Make it happen!

And if you want to join my community join other women who are navigating the same journey at Project Enough!

This Is What A Business Woman Looks Like

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I am building my business Artemis, and as a result I do a lot of networking.

Every week I meet with women of all backgrounds and professions. Generally it’s in the form of coffees, or even groups of women who invite me into their closed circles as a guest.

This last week I did this at least four times. One of the events I attended was put on by a fabulous female founder’s networking organization I’ve recently joined called NAWBO. It was Women Trailblazers In The Wine Industry. The speaking part of the event featured moderator Sharon Harris, Owner of Rarecate Wine Panelists Ziggy Eschliman, a.k.a. Ziggy the Wine gal Celia Welch, Owner and Winemaker of Corra Wines Katherine Inman. Owner and Winemaker, Inman Family Wines and Lesley Russell, VP Marketing at St. Supery.

They all had incredible stories about how they got to where they were now. All of them mentioned the difficulties of working in a male dominated field. What was interesting to me about the panel was the starkly different personalities who had all created very successful careers for themselves.

What Does A Successful Business Woman Look Like?

If you would have asked me to create what I thought a successful business woman looked like when I was 15 years old I would have drawn something similar to what we see in the stock photo images we see on websites. She would be angular and slim, in a tight fitting black suit, high heels, pearls and stockings. She’d be standing, hunched over the desk with one hand down on the table looking ready to pounce.

If you google “business woman,” you get something somewhat similar to what I describe. Although in reality (according to google image results) she has dark hair, glasses and a black suit with a white collar (something you might find a hostess wearing at a nice restaurant). She generally has her arms folded over her chest or her hand on her chin. She’s always smiling.

What I’ve come to realize is there’s no one size fits all business woman look. The one defining characteristic among all business women is resilience. They keep getting back up no matter how many times they fall down.

Women who work in business tend to have thick skin–or whatever you call having to deal with hardship, setback, skepticism, dismissive assumptions by colleagues, being the nurturer for the family while carrying the burden of work, children, marriage challenges (sometimes divorce)… Women become tough when they realize how incredibly strong they have to be to survive through all of life’s pressures. This doesn’t mean men don’t have pressures, but it means they have more support systems set up for themselves. After all we’ve only been in the workforce for about half a century. We don’t have the centuries of support systems that catch us when we fall.

From what I can tell, when we fall we eat dirt and look for ways to clean ourselves up without making it anyone else’s burden.

There are words that people have created for women when we ask for what we want. Nagging, crazy, screetchy voice, needy….but the truth is, if a man were to say the same things in the same tone, he would just be called “direct” or “a man who demands excellence” or “creative genius.”

Corporate Women Mentoring Programs, All Talk and No Action?

Recently I met with a woman at a large consumer packaged goods company. She told me that while the company acts like it supports internal support systems for women, when it comes to actual mentoring and a culture of support, it’s non-existent.

Once I worked with an executive in the tech industry who told me he did not believe women were an under-served group of the population. He rolled his eyes that I believed women needed special support in the business world.

Instead of waiting around for employers or the other people in our lives to understand what we need, we need to go out and create it for ourselves. We need to create it for the next generation of women, and continue to create cultures of support across America.

Regarding media for men vs. media for women….even the media that is created for men convinces men of their own confidence, power and potential. For women the media saturates us with messages of insecurity, anxiety, subordinance and fear.

Enough is enough. The more women can come together and realize the potential–that there is nothing above our heads but endless sky and nothing around our hearts except unconditional love–we will improve as an under-served group of the population.

There is no real competition. The idea of women having to compete with each other for opportunities, love and success is a fallacy.

The more one of us succeeds the more possibilities for the next one. If we stop competing by trying to meet the standards that our culture has created for us, and come together, the better we will turn out collectively.

I saw a quote this week on twitter from Project Eve. The quote was:

“It’s not about breaking through the glass ceiling, it’s about building your own house.” 

We all can build houses where women can be themselves. Where we sit around the room in circles with wine or chocolate or a yoga mat and nothing to ingest and talk, candidly.

Brave

I went to an event this week and I did an exercise with a group of women. The exercise was an ice breaker to figure out commonalities among the group. I later found out one of the group members happened to be Katherine Sarafian the Producer of the Pixar movie Brave.

I was delightfully surprised that if you open your eyes and look around, you are much closer to the people who share your values than you assume on first glance. I had no clue this woman was the mind behind Brave, a feminist cartoon movie that changed the game for the entire entertainment industry. It was the first movie I’ve seen to depict an independent female lead who doesn’t believe a fairytale prince charming will solve her life.

Get Out of the House and Meet With Other Women

The more I “get out of the house” and meet with other women in my community the happier I am. The more I realize that there is no cookie cutter “business woman” that exists. I learn that really successful women ask for what they want, and more importantly give themselves what they need.

They put themselves first.

That is how women go on to create hugely successful careers in industries like wine, media and more.

What did you think a “business woman” looked like when you were growing up? Were you right?

Your Passion: the Fastest Route to the Podium

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Last night at Thanksgiving dinner we had a streaker.

He was a five year old boy who spent the dinner running around a glittering table of Autumnal decorations and animated adults–in his underwear.

When it was time for toasts, the little boy’s father asked him to say a few words. The little boy–still in his drawers–was speechless. He looked out at the long narrow table full of guests.

He subsequently shut down.

I looked at his mom and laughed, “it’s like a bad dream. You’re in your underwear having to give a speech with nothing to say.”

It’s most of our worst nightmares. But why?

*****

When I was a young lady my mom always had very dynamic female girlfriends. She had a close friend who had a dazzling personality named Ellen. I remember at a certain point she was doing a lot of speeches for a health-care nonprofit that she ran.

I asked her, “Ellen, do you ever get nervous public speaking?” She replied, “No Blake I don’t. I care so much about what I’m speaking about, I don’t even think about being nervous.”

Years later I realized this was truly the key to confidence. Follow what you love. The truth is so many of us–especially ladies–have trouble finding our voice. That can stem from coming from a place of fear.

You can make decisions from two places. Fear or Gratitude. Unfortunately most of us never discover what it feels like to live 24-7 in a place of gratitude. But it’s just not in our nature. We have to develop ourselves to come from a place of gratitude. The key is the individual has to visit her deepest desires and deepest fears to truly live in her truth. And in turn, live in gratitude.

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best night and day to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.” –e.e. cummings

We spend years doing what we think we are supposed to do. We spend years taking jobs we think people will be impressed with.

We all have that passion for that one thing that we know isn’t “realistic.” To explore this nontraditional interest would be risky. We’d have to truly “show up” to go out on our own. At the risk of judgment from others.  But we all owe it to ourselves to give it a shot.

I know when I tried in the corporate world to put on a front, and care about things I absolutely did not care about, I came across as phony, and the projects were poor quality. However give me something that I’m interested in, and you bet your butt that project will glow. That’s just how I am. Very human.

Perhaps this is the reason I am not the only one who had stepping up to the podium. It is difficult to speak about something you don’t have your heart in. When you do what you love you cannot wait to get the podium. Once you’re there, you don’t want to leave. Your energy becomes contagious. You feel different. Work no longer feels like work. Your dreams about public speaking in your underwear disappear.

***

I wrote an article last week questioning if women are competitive enough. A Women 2.0 reader named Adena responded, “I can’t help but be torn on my own enjoyment vs terror when it comes to competition.” When you are pursuing your passion your sense of terror is overshadowed by drive and excitement. It’s a good time to be a woman entrepreneur.

When you do what you love, it’s much easier to get up the podium and compete.

*he was a very cute little boy who was very entertaining. Thanksgiving was a great time.

Enough Stage to Go Around–Even at Sales Conferences

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Lately I’ve noticed a lot of behavior that can be attributed to what one might call the “not enough theory.”

What does that mean?

That means I’ve noticed a lot of cryptic tweets aimed at other people–in a negative way. It feels like someone (more than one) is trying to collapse the stage from under someone else.

Instead of tweeting whatever seemingly “in-context”140 character witty quip that was tweeted, the tweet translates as “don’t listen to him, listen to me!”

Why else would public lashings take place (especially in a hashtag of a conference the hater is not present at)?

My point is we need to get away from this “not enough to go around” mentality. Because, well it’s just not true.

There is absolutely enough to go around. There is enough of a stage for all of us. You don’t have to try and take mine out from under me.

There is enough for me, there is enough for you, and everyone in between.

http://www.madagnes.com/imgs/WmsbgStage.JPG

People who feel emotionally and intellectually wealthy do not try and polarize attitudes toward other people. People who hoard, whether that’s objects, attention or friends, exude a different energy and attitude from those who feel emotionally and intellectually wealthy.

It’s dangerous to hate people–firstly because it’s bad for your health, but secondly–others are always watching you. And whether you are right in your hatred, or wrong, publicly lashing others makes you look emotionally and intellectually poor. Emotionally and intellectually poor people do not light up a room. They are not business magnets.

I am not trying to create any kind of “West Side Story-like social CRM” twitter war. So please don’t ping me later warning me of publicly vocalizing my thoughts.

I am only trying to live in a world that is transparent, honest and good. Those of you who know me–like really know me–know this is the way I live my life, and the people I surround myself with.

I’ve lived in Bed-Stuy, I’ve lived in Manhattan.

In my experience, wealth has nothing to do with money. And everything to do with spirit.

Putting Yourself First

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I’ve told you before but I’ll say it again-the best Valentines gift you could ever give someone else is to take care of yourself. You should be priority número UNO.

Imagine you are running a relay on a team. None of your team members are running alongside you for your leg of the race.

No one will know if you aren’t stretched, hydrated or wearing comfortable shoes. Only you know this. So often we are so consumed with the fear of public tyranny, knowing we are being watched, that we forget the reason we are in the game.

http://wwwdelivery.superstock.com/WI/223/1828/PreviewComp/SuperStock_1828R-14651.jpg

Any project in life, whether in a relay race or sitting at your lap top, requires focus.

Focus comes from an ability to quiet your mind.

For me this requires exercise, sleep and nameless other activities that keep me in the race. No one knows if I do not get one of these activities, but I can feel the difference.

Most jobs don’t necessarily allow for employees to take time to do these things. Exercise is a last priority (not at Google, Yahoo or the other companies that provide on-site facilities and flexible hours). Office hours coupled with commuting rarely leaves time for exercise (especially those of you with kids).

Women are taught to give to others, to be nice, and to put everyone before themselves. It’s what makes us good mothers, it’s what makes us nurturing people to be around. But…it can be really confusing when we realize it’s impossible to make everyone else happy while simultaneously taking care of ourselves. This goes for the business world and in the real world. Women put a lot of pressure on themselves to mirror a beacon of kindness and selflessness, but I imagine a lot of women (and people) are left feeling empty, taken advantage of and burnt out.

Again no one knows a team member feels this way except her.

So I am telling you, take the time for yourself so you have what you need to stay in the game. No one will notice if you do this, they will only notice if your performance takes a dive. When I worked in a competitive environment in New York, and other places, I often felt like the people who were the most concerned with having their “butts in the seat,” were the least likely to create spiritually fulfilling careers for themselves.

That generally changes when you stop being so preoccupied with what others think of you.

And in conclusion Happy Valentines Day week, and again I ask you to be your own biggest Valentine!

Unbearable Lightness of Being–In Business

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Today is Sunday, just like any other Sunday, except there is something different about today.

Tomorrow instead of walking down town to a San Francisco office–I will be driving to Palo Alto to see a new friend Simone. Simone and I have become friends for one reason. one. Simone is a healer, or spiritual adviser.

We are both focused on making the world a lot better for the human spirit. You might think I am strange or eccentric for talking about “spirituality”–a subject left to religious leaders. But about May of 2009 I stopped being embarrassed about talking about the vast spiritual crises affecting most people today.

May 2009 is the month I began leading New York Toastmasters, a public speaking club that actually felt more like a support group for people working in New York City in the thick of the recession.

Today there is a need for a spiritual awakening. The folks that roll their eyes when they read this are the ones who probably need this support the most. The more business people I get to know–and other circles where feelings are not discussed–the more I realize how much we need to slow down and listen to our hearts rather than our minds.

Once we start quenching the thirst of our spirits–we will have the calm energy to slow down and listen to our hearts. In turn this will clear up any fogginess in our minds. In turn our businesses run better, our personal and professional relationships improve and the world runs better.

Are you part of this spiritual awakening?

Me And My Biznass Will Sit Out This Facebook Cotillion

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Don’t get me wrong. I like Mark Zuckerberg. I am excited to see young leaders out there innovating and connecting the world. Hell yes to young people showing other people that the possibilities are really endless.

But MZ has proven to be one young leader who is acting his age.

If Mark were in a courtship with his users, the last two years have felt like a Cotillion dance. A waltz in which the Facebook user has her toes stepped on and head back-handed, again and again and again. Sorry Mark but I’m not the only one saying this. Check out Jason Calacanis, CEO of search engine Maholo.com who had some words for Mark.



“You have a glib and reckless approach when it comes to people’s privacy…”

This morning I came across this tweet by @Ed who agrees with Jason Calacanis regarding some of the new Facebook settings.

Facebook gets even creepier. This should be for pages/businesses/groups only, NOT people http://rww.tw/9Smg9t (@rww) #privacy

I agree with @Ed. Some of Facebook’s new moves are downright creepy.

There’s a new Facebook Feature which allows you to subscribe to particular user’s feed of updates and activity. It is yet to be seen if users will be able to opt out of this function. Looking at Facebook’s past decision making I’m guessing we won’t be able to. We never know which direction Mark is going to take us on this waltz. My feet hurt trying to keep up with MZ’s jolting dance moves.

As ReadWriteWeb says:

This feature is going to be a big deal. It will facilitate greater interaction between a user and people of interest by placing updates about those peoples’ activities in the highest-priority place in the Facebook interface, the inbox with the strongest signal-to-noise ratio by far.

Another jolt from Facebook came about this week with Apple’s release of Ping a new social music discovery service. When released last Wednesday Ping could integrate with Facebook, until users woke up on Thursday–only to find it didn’t. Smack.

Facebook is like a teenager who doesn’t know who she wants to be.

Facebook you looked better before all the enhancements of make-up, piercings and plastic surgery. You don’t even know who you are anymore. And your shoes are too big.

While a few companies have gained traction using Facebook for marketing, word of mouth and targeted advertising, it does not accommodate business needs. Facebook makes it easy to share information very quickly, but most of us aren’t ready to lose full control–and that makes sense. It’s business, not your frat buddy’s kegger from last Friday.

Hoody-Esque Facebook Mentality-Not For Everyone

Facebook established itself as a tool for college kids–it’s a hoody-esque mentality. And while I love the hoody-esque mentality (hey I went to UC Santa Cruz and hail from the surf capital of the world) I know this does not suit business needs or the individuals who run them.

Not all conversations,  especially with customers, suppliers, partners and the crowd, should be public.

Facebook questions is another example of disappearing privacy settings. No matter how much Facebook tries to be Yahoo! Answers or borrow from any assortment of start-ups (ahem Four Square) it will still make the same clunky and obnoxious decisions for its users. All questions are public.

When I watch MZ interviews I can’t help but cringe. I can’t help but feel MZ doesn’t know what he’s talking about–and he subsequently gets himself into a lot of Larry David moments. He scares me considering the scope of Facebook’s user-base and MZ’s lack of leadership experience. There’s a reason many inventors and founders do not end up running their companies.

From one Gen Y’er to another….slow down MZ!

Below is a chart tracking Facebook’s growth. But with the rate that MZ’s empire is growing, his moves are dangerous considering the scope of his user-base. First look at the chart below. Then listen to MZ’s interview (sweaty interview) where he says flat-out he “and his friends are continuing to push…”

A few minutes into this very painful interview MZ takes off his hoody. It’s a Facebook hoody with the mission statement embroidered on the inside.

“Making the world more open and connected.”

When I moved from California to New York five years ago I learned an important lesson. Not everyone wants to share everything all the time. California is a state that has this lovey dovey mentality, and the technology capital of the world happens to be California. I’m telling you now WE ARE THE EXCEPTION. (Yes I know it sounds like I’m yelling–I am).

As shown in the chart above Mexico, India and Indonesia trail closely behind the U.S. in its increased usage of Facebook. We need to account for cultural difference and social nuance here. I am a little afraid for MZ. There will mostly likely be big backlash from the global business community.

No matter what country you hail from, privacy is a universal thing.

Some things are better left hidden out of customer-view (or replace customer with employee, manager, friend, parent, child, partner etc). We all just need to make better decisions and know how increasingly public our lives are becoming. Social media is a blessing and a curse. It needs to be treated with caution.