Your Computer Is Not Your Friend

There was a time when I forgot how important friends were. There was almost zero people in a twenty mile radius I could call if things were difficult.

I forgot that spending time on social media is not “social” time.

I literally didn’t have good girlfriends–and it was negatively affecting my life.

Community is not just something you build so you have users for your website. It’s something you REALLY need in your life. I’m pleased to say I’ve been on a bit of a friendship “binge” lately–getting so much joy out of hanging with the girls. Even if you’re in a great relationship, there is no replacement for girlfriends. Not having them has left a gaping hole in my life–don’t make the same mistake that I did. Friendships take some effort–you need to invest your time and energy–but if you aren’t thriving in the friendship portion of your life you are really missing out. Life is dreary without friends!

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Friends do the following for you:

Laugh with you about the ridic stuff that women have to go through.
Complain about the lack of a female James Bonds.
Stop you from hitting refresh on your email.
Allow you to complain about your man while understanding you love your man.
Don’t try to fix the stuff you complain about, but just listen.
Asks you “what’s on your mind” without having it permanently etched in a data base somewhere to sell to Facebook marketers.
Shares honest stories about what’s happening in their lives (much better than the plethora of Facebook yacht or weight loss photos on Facebook).

Ask yourself if you have people in your life who you don’t talk business with. If you look around and you’re hanging out with people just because it will help your career-you are living a life out of balance. Take a serious look in the mirror about your life. Social media does not make people happy. Go out there and make some real friends. I did it and I feel so much better. I feel human again.

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Joan Rivers “I Hate Everyone, Starting With Me”

I have to admit I bought Joan Rivers’ new book I Hate Everyone, Starting With Me. Perhaps it was an impulse buy, like tropical trident or People Magazine.

Anyway, I bought her book.

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There’s something about Joan Rivers. Most people hate her but I find her fascinating. I saw a documentary on her and since then I’ve captivated by her tenacity, her vulnerability and her prickly jokes. She’s been through the ringer in her life. She struggled with her husband’s suicide, bulimia, the criticism of a lifetime and workaholism. Some of this is explored in a documentary made about her life called Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work.

There’s something about Joan.

She’s got so much fight in her. And she can laugh at herself. I see her as one of the women who paved the way for other women who wanted a voice and a piece of the boy’s fun. Joan has struggled with life–but she uses her energy (perhaps from anger) for motivation. And she’s created a full career with that. While she is very controversial, and she does things we don’t all agree with (plastic surgery, attacking women on that stupid show on E!), she’s quite a little person. She’s a little woman with a big voice, and unapologetic one at that.

Here’s an excerpt from her book:

“For those of you thinking, Geez, Joan seems a little angry, you’re half right. I am angry. I’m also fed up….Being fed up and angry is better than being depressed. Psychologists tell us that depression is just anger toward inward, but I say, why waste your time? It is what it is and quite frankly I’d rather be angry than depressed. Why? ..I’m tired of people saying to me, ‘Joan, could you please try to be nice to Harry? He’s depressed.’ No! Why should I have to work like a pack animal trying to be nice to Harry because that a@#*^#@ is having a bad day?’ Introverted, depressed people suck the life out of a good party; angry, hateful people liven things up. You give me one person who is still angry the Third Reich was toppled, and I’ll give you a great dinner party.”

What books do you secretly have on Kindle you want to tell me about?

Here’s a great interview with Joan on Fresh Air.

Your Inner Glow: An Interview with Oakland Photographer Nancy Rothstein

There’s no question that representing yourself in a professional way online can be of great benefit. Having a headshot for your website and your social profiles that is clean, bright and flattering can be a real differentiator. Representing the best version of yourself helps send the right message to prospective new clients, recruiters or potential mates.

What I’ve learned is I grew up insecure about my looks. These insecurities have fueled many of the ideas in this blog and turned into a passion for helping other women feel good about themselves. I always say when I heal other women I heal myself, and when I heal myself I heal other women.

Over time I’ve learned to accept myself and embrace the very things that make me different. I’ve also learned that when I feel happy, I look better in photographs. I believe this is true for other women as well.

It has taken me almost three decades to feel mostly comfortable with myself. Today I know the importance of putting my best foot forward. While there are a million ways things that can go wrong with branding, having nice photos is one advantage that’s easy to take care of. We all need to do the best with what we have.

I’ve recently changed my hair color and I’ve never had professional headshots taken. I recently met a photographer at a NAWBO event named Nancy Rothstein. I learned more about her process, saw her incredible portfolio and wanted to work with her.

Nancy is passionate about helping women feel amazing about themselves, and having that glow come through in her photography. I love working with other women small business owners who are also on a journey to help lift up other women. I can’t say enough positive things about the experience I had with her. She was gentle through the whole process, and a true perfectionist. She made me laugh throughout our photo shoot. She is a true master of light and has an uncanny ability to draw that spirit out of you–and make it come through in your headshot. Learn more about Nancy’s philosophy and views on self esteem in our interview below.

Blake Landau: What is a common reaction you find from clients who are getting their head-shots done for the first time?

Nancy Rothstein: Many people come in saying something like:

I don’t photograph well
I’m not photogenic
I hate photos of myself 
I’ve never had a photo of myself that I’ve liked
I’m really uncomfortable in front of the camera

BL:  Is there a difference between men and women with regard to being self-conscious in front of the camera?

NR: I think it depends on the person. I’ve had both genders [clients] who are self-critical and uncomfortable. Both genders have come in with specific things about themselves that they don’t like. I wouldn’t want to generalize but I do think men are more comfortable with themselves. But I think pretty much everyone has challenges seeing themselves.

BL: Do you have any advice for people who feel insecure about their looks or their weight as far as appearing confident in front of the camera?

NR: Well the first part of that answer is at the root of my beliefs—to remember that your beauty is not skin deep. We’re all inherently beautiful—and it’s our human spirit that makes us beautiful. You know that’s true because you experience someone who is “beautiful” by society and media standards, and you know that it would be possible to interact with someone like that and feel that they’re actually ugly in the way they behave or treat other people. Real beauty is inside of us.

If we remember that real beauty comes from our spirit–and tap into that–we’ll naturally be more relaxed and express our beauty in a photograph. Internal beauty comes out through the face and the expression—it doesn’t matter how much they weigh, how many wrinkles they have, how many spots they have, gray hairs, make-up etc. When a person is shining through their eyes and their expression no one looks at that image and says, “oh they need to lose ten pounds.” They look at it and say “wow what a beautiful person.”

Beyond that technique is very important. You have to choose the right photographer. You want to choose a photographer that can bring your inner glow out. Who can help you to be at east in front of the camera, who can see you for who you are and understand what it is you want to express with your image and be able to draw that out.

There are proven techniques in photography that flatter the subject. In a still image you want to do everything possible to make the image flattering whether that’s lighting, camera angle or composition. Bad lighting can make a model look bad. Additionally we all have asymmetry in our faces. The way the photographer poses you and lights you accentuates the asymmetry or balances it. That’s really important in a still image. When we’re animated and interacting with each we don’t notice that. But real life and a still image are very different ways to be perceived.

BL: How do you help people relax when they’re getting their picture taken?

NR: I have a process that starts before the session in my phone consultation. At that time I talk to the client about what they’re trying to express. What aspects of their personality they’re trying to convey with the image. I also give them homework and have them think about things that relate to the qualities they want to portray in their photograph. In the example of a professional person I might have them think about their favorite client, or the feeling they get from being of service to their clients. It could be a feeling of competence of doing their best work. It could be a virtue they’re striving to embody. It could be anything. I don’t ask them to necessarily share it with me but reflect on it prior to the session. During the session I’m very actively coaching them to reflect on these things and to have their inner experience of tapping into those qualities. The ultimate goal is to create an authentic image that feels spontaneous in the context of a contrived photo shoot. That process which is a combination of mediation and method acting helps the subject to experience something authentic that specifically relates to how they want to be perceived during the session rather than looking at a camera and feeling self-conscious.

BL: Why do you love your job?

NR: I love interacting with people and I love creating dynamic images. I’ve been using a camera since I was seven years old. It ‘s a natural way for me to interact with the world. Lately one of my deepest satisfactions with my work is that I create images that remind people of their essential beauty.

All photos in this blog were taken by Nancy Rothstein. Find Nancy on Facebook and Twitter or her website

Athena’s Top Six Suggestions For Being a Successful Female Entrepreneur

You can’t wake up in a bad mood when an 11 pound ball of furry love and glee pounces on your stomach and lunges to give you too many kisses. Meet Athena, my 24-7 reminder that the world is good and fair and there’s always room for love.

The thing about dogs is they love you no matter what–when your hair looks like a bird’s nest, when you’ve gained weight, when you’re grumpy, when you didn’t pay your Nordstrom bill on time….dogs are truly woman’s best friend.

New age woo woo names

I obviously have a new age woo woo fondness for goddesses as I’ve named my dog [Athena] and my business [Artemis] after them. And you know what? I just prefer to walk on the new age woo woo side of life–because it’s a softer more fun and much funnier side of life where we can reflect and consider our spirits and our feelings. So back to my fondness for goddess names, I will also tell you one of my best friend’s names is Aphrodite. I don’t know why it happened this way with the goddess theme in my life, but it did! Athena, Artemis, Aphrodite….oh my!

Athena–in Greek mythology–is the goddess of wisdom, war, the arts, industry, justice and skill. Women who start their own businesses arguably have to encompass all of these traits at different times. We have to use our intuition to know when to use what tools in our toolbox, who to trust, who to learn from, and how to trust ourselves to drive. While my dog Athena knows nothing about driving, she can provide some important life lessons on how to live. Athena teaches me something new every day. Here she shows us some important lessons that will help us be happier, stronger and emotionally wealthier entrepreneurs.

Here are Athena’s six life lessons for female entrepreneurs.

1. Have playtime. 

Women are great entrepreneurs because we work hard, we’re great multi-taskers, and we are passionate about our work. At the same time we have a habit of getting very much “in our heads.” That means we can’t see the big picture because we’re so caught up in the day to day. Most of us have our best ideas when we’re doing something mindless like taking a shower, going for a run or chopping veggies. Having hobbies outside of work–and tme for play–will help get the creative juices flowing, and give us important time to breathe. By adding play and whimsy into our lives, not only will we find we’re more productive when we do sit down to work, but we will come up with better problem solving for work related things. Additionally doing things with friends is very important to our sense of belonging and feelings of self worth.

2. Spend time with the big dogs.

It’s not surprising that very successful people want to hang out with very successful people. However, I believe that mentoring newbies is very spiritually rewarding and gratifying. I would encourage more established women entrepreneurs and executives to spend time mentoring the young-ins. Also if nothing else, it makes you grateful for how far you’ve come! Young-ins, it’s so important to have mentors, and to spend time with people who are where you want to be. Try and find good people who are smart, established and didn’t cut corners to get to where they are–learn from them. Ask a lot of questions!

3. Work what your mama gave you [also known as use what makes you different to your advantage].

It’s often the very thing we try to hide that makes us special or unique. When we realize that it’s important to “be yourself, because everyone else is taken” [thank you Oscar Wilde] we start to attract people to us. Despite how hard the media and ad industry have tried to make us believe that people are only attracted to a very specific cookie cutter mold, the truth is people are attracted to other people that are vibrant, that shine.  We attract what we want when we are excited about what we’re doing, and we are feeling spiritually wealthy and joyful. That “sheen” comes from living your life, being you–flaws ‘n all. People are attracted to authenticity and passion. Wear what your mama gave you, and don’t try to hide those “flaws,” instead use them to your advantage. “Women are never stronger than when they arm themselves with their weaknesses.” – Madame Marie du Deffand.

4. Go for it!

Over analyzing every detail of a move can slow us down. Sometimes the very thing we’re afraid of is joy and success. When you don’t give yourself time to noodle over something for too long, you will be more prone to do it. As Bill Cosby once said, “First, decide what you truly want. Then, decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it” or let’s learn from Amelia Earhart who said, “The most effective way to do it, is to do it.” Athena tells us “just dive in.” What doesn’t kill you ultimately makes you stronger. Or at least provides some funny stories/blog/book material.

5. “Every morning we are born again.” -Buddha

My dog freaks out every time we go for a walk. She wags her tail back and forth like a ticking clock and smiles a big toothy grin! When we walk, like a true connoisseur she wants to smell every piece of grass, every flower, and every dog we meet along the way. She has pure pleasure from even the most simple activity–being outside on a walk.

Something goes awry with humans in the process of growing older–we lose our sense of whimsy–and become desensitized to life’s small pleasures. We become unaware of the sheer miracle of being alive. Every day is a chance to enjoy something new, learn something about the world, about ourselves. My dog reminds me every day to be a softer, gentler human being–one that walks with gratitude.

6. Rest.

It’s an important part of life. Give yourself time throughout the day to be quiet. It is said that when we quiet down, we truly hear what the universe are trying to tell us. Often we already have the answers we are looking for, but we can’t hear them with all the noise. We all need to go out of our way to provide time for quiet and rest (most times that also means no television–no engagement). Remember life is not a race, it’s a marathon. We need time throughout to be quiet.

And with that please feel free to share with me and Athena what your suggestions are for being a better female entrepreneur. We’re all ears!

A Dress Change Will Do You Good

Have you ever said to yourself, I’ll be happy when I do X?

X could be….lose ten pounds, get this job, this car, this house, this wedding ring and so on and so forth.

The truth is none of us knows what will come tomorrow.

I’m telling you not to wait. It’s time for us to stop waiting around for X to be happy tomorrow. It is my personal belief that to flow with the natural current is to drive in the  direction of our individual truth.

Last week I was reminded that human resilience in the face of failure determine one’s ability to thrive (thanks to an inspiring speech from Jane McGonigal at the LINC conference).

I’ve been contemplating change–and how, according to Buddhist thought–the root of suffering is attachment. If we all let go a little we will find life to be more pleasurable. It’s not about controlling what happens around us, since that’s impossible. It’s how we deal with that constant change; how we embrace impermanence.

अनिच्चा  अनित्य ,  མི་རྟག་པ,  無常,  無常,  무상,  อนิจจัง
Here you see the word “impermanence” in several different languages

In Japanese the word Henkaa means “change.”

The word Henkaa inspired one entrepreneur to create a dress company with the mission of empowering any women, of any size, in any situation to express their uniqueness through convertible fashion that changes.  

Henkaa recognizes that all women are different. Our bodies are different, our preferences are different and our life events are different.

In the spirit of change, Henkaa created a dress that can be worn more than 21 different ways. Pretty amazing right?

The dress is very versatile, and could be called the real “traveling pants,” as this dress actually looks good on everyone.

It comes in every color on the planet. The folks at Henkaa were kind enough to give me a Henkaa dress to review, and as I wore this soft fabric I contemplated change, and how I was going to embrace it in my own life at every step [or dance] of the way. (The dress is made of a polyester and spandex knit material which is stretchy and machine washable. It does have a slight metallic sheen to it).

Just like the Henkaa dress, we need to wear a versatile attitude, one that allows for environmental changes. I received the Henkaa dress in the Sakura style  in slate blue. I love periwinkle, and in an effort to embrace spring, I was very attracted to this bright  purply blue. I love blue because it’s the color of the ocean, and I always find it to have a calming effect.

Here’s my take on the halter style.

Here’s my take on the one shoulder style.

This is the actual slate blue dress.

You will never get bored with these dresses. This dress is the most versatile thing I have in my wardrobe and will keep me company all summer long.

Don’t miss this video where the lovely Jo-Henkaa’s founder-shows us 21 ways to wear this convertible Henkaa. It comes in different lengths, sizes and plus size is coming soon.

Find Henkaa on Facebook, Twitter at @IHeartHenkaa or Pinterest.

*This blog post was sponsored by Henkaa who provided me this dress.

The “Not Enough” Theory Originates In Moscow

Recently I wrote a post on the “not enough theory.” I consider myself somewhat of an unofficial sociologist, as I have always been interested in people and culture.

When I was in Moscow I wrote a blog about the “not enough theory.” Everything in life is inter-related. Metaphors always come full circle.

—–

“Blake, Blake! Look at everyone’s boots. They are magnificent–look how clean they are!” My older brother enthusiastically whispers this to me as we make our way on the metro to downtown Moscow. My older brother, an American currently working and living in Russia, is absolutely right.

People take incredible care of their shoes here.

He recently traveled to Serbia to visit our family friends. The grandmother in this family is in her eighties and she has lived through some incredible periods in Serbian history. She told my brother a story of when resources were scarce–when Serbs would go to pick up boots and wait in line for hours. Each person would get a pair of boots, not in their size, and trade afterward. As a twenty-something y/o living in New York I cannot imagine what this was like.

Recession and all New York, still seems to be the land of plenty, or at least that is the attitude we generally have. It’s not abnormal to see women on the subway with holes in the toe of their well-loved boots. Their high heels are broken.

Business men stumble to work in wrinkled expensive suits. City grime covers the leather of their expensive shoes. When we can’t take it anymore we throw our shoes out and buy new ones.


Lenin’s Tomb in Red Square, Moscow 2009 –>a Russian Marxist revolutionary, author, lawyer, economic theorist, political philosopher, creator of the Soviet Communist Party, leader of the 1917 October Revolution, and founder of the USSR. As head of the Bolsheviks (1917–1924) he led the Red Army to victory in the Russian Civil War, before establishing the world’s first officially socialist state.

The “Not Enough to Go Around” Mentality

My brother explains to me that when he gets on the subway in Moscow, instead of making a line, travelers enter the car in a “triangle.” There are a few people who make it to the front and the rest of the passengers pile along the sides. The exiters of the train have to push their way through.

In New York there is some pushing and road blocks for those exiting and those entering, but generally a passageway is provided for at least one minute. London is even more relaxed. In London this does not happen at all. Everyone knows they will get on the train, no matter what. Travelers are relaxed about the loading and unloading process.

Both shoe up-keep and subway habits are representative of bigger behavioral patterns. I wonder if one day Americans will polish their shoes like there weren’t enough shoes to go around. I wonder if one day Russians will act like the British with ease that they will always get a spot on the train.


The Hermitage Museum AKA The Winter Palace, St. Petersburg, Russia

Join me for the Social Media Week Panel on Epic Wins (yes that’s a gamer term!)

Dear Readers

I wanted to post a panel I will be participating in tomorrow….please join me!

“Reaching for the Epic Win in Relationship Management”

Discussion Panel:Reaching for the Epic Win in Relationship Management

Panelists:

Moderator: Rich Reader, Chief Engagement Officer, VineBuzz

Going beyond (while still embracing) customer relations, it is increasingly necessary that enterprises of every scale do more to improve social relationships with employees, suppliers, contractors, utilities, financial markets, stockholders, competitors, government, educators, and non-governmental organizations.

We will dive into thorny issues, build a deeper rapport and reach for epic wins from mission critical gaming/collaborative approaches.  When we become comfortable with our socialized business relations, we can begin to expect our customers to more fully engage with us.  So let’s get busy.

A few questions have emerged in early discussions with the panelists:

  1. How do smart enterprises identify and pursue the best directions from which to improve their overall engagement practices?
  2. Why are we falling behind in growing/delivering the value that we need to provide to our customers?
  3. What strategic goals/concepts need to be achieved?
  4. Which organizational behaviors are due for modification?
  5. Whose ox shall be sheltered in consideration for facilitating necessary changes?

Spoiler Alert:  This meeting is about strategic goals and objectives, as well as the core practices that facilitate those goals and objectives.  It is not a hawkfest for tactical brands, tools, packages, software-as-a-service, retainers, or any other manner of picks and shovels.  Based upon what we already know about the agenda of #SMWSF, you should have already had more than ample opportunity to sell everything under the sun to each other.

Please sign up here!!!