Category Archives: body image

7 Tools to Set Yourself Free From Your Inner Critic

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Many people, for whatever reason, have trouble turning off the critic. It runs its mouth all day never letting you get a moment of peace. From the moment you wake up in the morning until you close your eyes at night this critic sabotages your day.

Sometimes the root of this is childhood trauma, sometimes it’s chemical and other times it’s just how we’re used to living in the world–with someone hovering over us with a close eye. Eventually that someone becomes you. While you can’t always just decide to make the critic go back in its whole, there are some things you can do to calm down and relax your mind. I have a few of my own tools that I personally use, and I’d like to share them with you. I hope some of these tools bring you calm so you can live a happy life, and truly live life to the fullest.

1. Move. No matter what, I do something every day. If everyone in the world did Zumba, Latin or African dance every day–there would be no war in the world. I love these classes (offered by the YMCA) because in my interpretation these dance moves are a celebration of life–the movements accentuates the moves of a woman. You’re encouraged to shake and move your hips. You’re encouraged to embrace your femininity with “ladies styling” as they call it in latin dance class. With all the pressure to be thin, small and frail these classes encourage you to take up space and celebrate the womanly parts of yourself. While the weight room or the cardio machines are nice at times, it’s nice to get away from what can feel like an aggressive or testosterone driven environment. Go to those eccentric sounding dance classes at your gym–you won’t be sorry!

2. Learn to laugh. There’s nothing the critic likes less than when you learn to laugh in its face. Learn to laugh at what you’re judging about yourself. Make it light hearted. Say “so what.” Learn how to let it go. I’m X, honor it, embrace it, let it go. Learn to say so what, or “fuck it.”

3. When you look in the mirror, look at what you like most about yourself first.
With the insane pressure to look perfect, it’s easy to feel ashamed when you look in the mirror. See discussions on Project Enough here. Instead of looking in the mirror and seeing something you don’t like, learn to choose one thing you DO like about yourself and look at that first. Examples include, “I have nice eyes” or “I have a nice nose” or “I am so strong looking”…you get the idea.

4. Learn to breathe. Getting oxygen into your body is very critical when you’re feeling down. If possible take five deep breaths into your belly. If possible do some meditation with guided visual imagery–imagine a beautiful beach or imagine laying underneath a tree in a forest. If it’s bad, let yourself cry. Call a friend. If you’re crying (yes adults cry too)–breathe too! Get all those toxins out of your system. Breathing gives you strength and takes away strength from the critic.

5. Learn to walk away from your laptop. If you’re feeling vulnerable you’re not in a good state to be faking your way through work. Sometimes one bad day–where the critic has a hold over you–can sabotage months of good work. If you’re feeling vulnerable you’re not going to respond to people in the way you would when your head is clear. Sometimes it’s important to just take a break from working. If you don’t have this option and you work in an office go take a walk around the office or even go into the bathroom and take a few breaths. This can be the difference between a flare up in the office or taking a few moments for yourself. You don’t want your colleagues to see you getting overly emotional at work–take space if you can and when you come back you’ll fully rested and clear.

6. Learn to ask for help. I always say this but learning to ask for help is one of the most important factors determining your success. You can’t always do everything on your own. Don’t let the critic win by being too proud. Calling a friend, a loved one or even a coach or therapist can be the most critical factor in your resilience. Don’t try to be the brave cowboy who does everything alone. That’s a myth. Successful people get a lot of help and they know where to get it. Ask for help. People will love you more for opening up to them. They’ll be happy to help you.

7. Know this too shall pass. Being sensitive is a business advantage. It makes you intuitive and empathetic and all the characteristics that can make you a charismatic leader. At the same time you need to learn to manage yourself. This will wash over you like a wave. You will feel better tomorrow. Figure out how to get yourself what you need to help quiet the critic. That way when it passes you’re ready to get back on the horse.

 

Being Curvy, Vulnerability & Success: 5 Truths This Week

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I haven’t been writing much because I’ve been working, but I think about you. I think  of how I can translate what is going on in my head and share what I’m feeling and thinking. Some days I think in possible blog post ideas.

No I don’t think this is healthy or normal.

Here’s my attempt at unpacking what has been in my head and heart this week.

1. How you experience the world is a reflection of what is going on in your head. As Dr. Wayne Dyer said, “Loving people live in a loving world, hostile people live in a hostile world, same world.” I’ve realized awareness, breath and compassion are the answer to pretty much everything.

2. You cannot solve the world’s problems by obsessing over them. Whenever I drive the i5 I get sad. I get sad because I see stretches of cows and fields of animals–and I know somewhere along this stretch an animal is being hurt. I suppose this is the former vegetarian meat eater’s dilemma. Sometimes I get sad at the gym on the cardio equipment as I look up at screens to see bombs go off and overly done up anchors translating the human suffering in a specific tone and script. I find it disturbing to be on an elliptical machine at the gym while my eyes well up in tears seeing bombs going off. I see friend’s Facebook status’ that says their cousins might have to go off to war in the middle east. This breaks my heart. And then I have to continue on my day because I have responsibilities, clients and life to tend to. I don’t like war. Recently I heard a rabbi give a talk. He said women are life and birth. Men create wars. I don’t know if this is true, but I do wonder if the world was run by women if there would be so much war. I’m scared to bring little babies into a world where killing one another is normal and we see it on TV and in video games. On a related note, a baby boomer recently said to me that in 100 years when global warming will really will become a problem we will all be gone. Well I plan on having babies. Maybe a few of them. And I certainly don’t want to hand them over a shitty world with crappy air so they can’t enjoy soccer like I got to growing up.

This is what I tell myself to make myself feel better.

Just because the media and advertising attempts to plant fear and darkness into your mind doesn’t mean you need to water that seed. There is pain and suffering in the world, but thinking about all the pain and suffering in the world is not going to ease the pain and suffering in the world. It’s going to leave you feeling exhausted and joyless. Focus on what’s in front of you. Stay in the moment. Breathe. Make small miracles in your life and for those around you. You matter. And that matters!

3. There’s always another train coming. Life can feel like whatever is in front of us at the moment is the only thing we have to hold on to. The truth is the universe manifests opportunities for us when we aren’t looking–when we’re putting in our best effort in other parts of our life. Let go of whatever you have your nails dug in. It will still be there. If not another one’s comin soon!

4. See how it feels to let go. I’m currently reading Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love and Parent. In her book she talks about how when she’s feeling vulnerable, instead of leaning into the vulnerability and discomfort, her first impulse is to control. And many of us do that. We set out to control everything around us in order to maintain homeostasis. But as Suze Orman says (when referring to our inclination to accumulate things) see how it feels to LET GO. Let it go. You will feel a huge weight lifted off your shoulders.

5. Why do curvy girls go to the back of the class? I take a lot of classes at the gym. I’m in LA this month and everything in LA–as it relates to looks–feels extreme–a caricature of itself. At the gym in LA all the thin women go straight to the front of the aerobics classes. The curvy women stay in the back of the class. Why is that? I might be curvy but I know that I like to be able to see what I’m doing in the class so I don’t do things with bad form–even if I’m shaking things that Cosmo Magazine tells me are problem areas. Screw you Cosmo–I love my problem areas! I might not look like a model, but I sure don’t sit in the back and hide. I ask myself what are other venues where curvy women move to the back of the class so as not to be seen?

Dear women’s self-esteem revolution, I give you permission to start happening now. Sincerely, curvy aerobics going ruminator, Blake.

Eating Dessert Makes You Thin

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Many of us walk very thin tight ropes when it comes to pleasure. We avoid falling into our cravings, afraid that if we give ourselves what we deeply desire, we will lose control. We won’t be able to stop.

If you are female you know the pressure is real to be thin. It’s everywhere, but most importantly it sits in our heads.

And it sat in mine for a long time.

But at a certain point I got off the treadmill. I allowed myself to devote only 25-30 minutes at most to work-outs. I told the obsessor to jump in a lake, and cut my workouts down. Additionally (and more dangerously) I also allowed myself to eat what I wanted.

And what I wanted was frozen yogurt.

Every night I had a tradition of making tea and preparing my favorite nighttime snack. This was frozen yogurt (mint chocolate chip or the new Fage 0% blueberry) mixed with ginger cookies that were dipped in tea. This would make the cookies warm and gooey and would create a swirl in the frozen yogurt. This was always enjoyed while watching one of my favorite shows like “Modern Family” or “Girls” or “Happy Ending”….the ultimate double indulgence.

I became lazy about watching my food, and I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted. I told the perfectionist in me to relax, go put her feet up.

Then came the week of my boyfriend’s birthday. I ate cake four days in a row.

What I didn’t realize was that allowing myself to indulge made it less forbidden. The sweets were not as exciting because they were not off limits. The rebel in me became bored. Then at a certain point I no longer needed the desserts every night.

[Some of you might role your eyes..."oh Frozen Yogurt...that's the healthy stuff, she's crazy." The truth is when you are short and curvy and you're trying to lose a few pounds...eating a bunch of sugar (even fro yo)--before bed--will get you.]

After the fro yo indulgence and burnout I decided that was enough dessert and I wanted to be more aware of what I was eating. I wasn’t caving in to the enemy by being aware of my health, but rather going after something that I wanted for a long time–and that was being able to go to bed without dessert (or wine). Tracking what I ate didn’t seem horrible like it once did. And now I track what I eat.


The cookie monster within you will set you free

From tracking I realized I wasn’t eating enough during the day. What I learned from tracking my food is that you shouldn’t deprive yourself all day only to eat too much at night. Don’t let the diet industry manage your thoughts all day until you can’t take it anymore and you eat everything in the fridge.

Now I get to eat what I want during the day. I eat peanut butter. Sometimes I eat it twice a day. I don’t eat the whole jar, but I eat it. And it tastes wonderful. As of very recently I’m not eating chocolate protein bars anymore, but real chocolate…

And I feel a lot better. Neither weight watchers nor the gym nor a low carb, high protein diet were the answers for me. It was actually getting past the mental barriers in my mind about pleasure and deprivation.

There is a weird thing in America around eating. The big lie the diet industry tells us is we can shame and abuse ourselves into getting thin. The truth is you don’t abuse food when you don’t feel deprived of it.

So the psychology lesson is when you don’t deprive yourself, you end up empowered. You get control of your life and your choices. You do that by giving yourself what you need when you need it.

You can see my electronic hoarding of desserts on Pinterest. The hoarding is only happening online now I’m happy to report. Until I feel like eating cake again…and I will eat it, without guilt.

 

From Self-Loathing To Self Loving: 6 Steps to Body Freedom

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That’s it, I’m going on a diet.

I have experienced periods where I became fed up. I saw a picture or a number on the scale or a family member said something hurtful about my body. Always a sensitive human I cried, then just felt sad and angry for a few days. I never liked being a body first, and a human second. I never liked the once over I felt I got from people before listening to what I had to say. I never appreciated what I felt was other women’s hungry eyes, sizing me up.

At a certain point between the ages of 21and 25 learned I couldn’t trust myself around “real food.” This ultimately led to chaos around food. But of course it was never about the food, and it rarely is.

Periods of eating only pickles, rice crackers, turkey, apples and cottage cheese–sparingly, followed by binges of peanut butter, cereal, chocolate and cheese. I can remember being in college and wanting so badly to be thin (a trend throughout my twenties).

In college I would get so stressed out by what felt like an impossible load of work I didn’t even know how to start. Instead of starting on my paper I would go load up on chocolate peanut butter trail mix. I felt scared and rather than ask for help I ate my anxiety in the form of organic bulk items.

During college food was a comfort for me. What I was really going through was–wow this experience is not preparing me for real life, and I’m scared.

I spent a lot of time in coffee shops avoiding focused study efforts. My favorite was going to the local coffee shop and buying a latte and a vegan peanut butter chocolate cookie (vegan didn’t mean healthy). Saturday mornings included lattes and luxurious banana bread.

Rather than say, I hate college, or I’ve never thought about how I will support myself with a real job, or I have some unresolved pain I can’t name, I would just eat.

After college I went as far away from California as I could. I moved to NYC.

I went to weight watchers for about a year keeping a diary of all my food and exercise. Rather than admit I wasn’t sure what I would do with my future, or how to manage my finances, or how to get attention from guys who were interested only in the hoards of model-looking women, I obsessed over getting thin. Being thin was the key to the magic land.

I was under a spell of keep yourself thin and pretty and a man will come save you.

Getting Real With Yourself.

Today I hate the word diet. I don’t believe in deprivation. I recognize that diets don’t work. Severe deprivation brings binges and out of control eating. I believe in awareness. It’s interesting being someone who critiques society–a culture critic, but also being part of that system. I’ve learned that I will never get over the women’s issues that I write about, however being self-aware has improved my quality of life by leaps and bounds. It has helped my career, my relationship, my opportunities and my sense of freedom.

The last ten years I have gone from an insecure and anxious young woman who wanted to crawl out of her skin to a woman who can sit with her emotions, and love herself despite her flaws.

Here are my six pieces of advice around positive self-talk.

1. I don’t pretend like life is perfect all the time. It is said that often when women get fat, they are wearing a layer of anger they won’t allow themselves to feel. Part of this is because it’s socially unacceptable to be an angry woman. Because I have learned how to take care of the little girl that lives within me–who at one point felt frightened or scared, I find myself getting less angry. I can let stuff go. And we are now doing fine.
2. I’m aware of other people’s projections. I don’t force myself to do things because other people feel I should be doing them. I draw boundaries, and have learned to draw the line between what other people project on to me. I have hurt people’s feelings before but I’m not responsible for how other people feel and cannot control them.
3. I don’t call myself a fat-ass. If I hear something negative bubbling up in my brain I remind myself that not all my thoughts represent me–a lot of it is the crap in the media or other people’s issues I have absorbed.
4. I eat food that I like. If I want something cold, I find something cold. If I want something creamy, I eat something creamy. If I want chocolate, I take some. I don’t hide food from myself, and sometimes I just keep the goodies around because I feel good knowing they’re there, even if I never touch them. I make an effort to identify the flavors and textures of what I’m eating.
5. What am I really hungry for? When I open the fridge and if what I’m hungry for is nowhere to be found, I go sit with my feelings by writing them down or meditate or do another calming activity.
6. Family matters. Human beings are neurotic. I cannot emphasize boundaries enough. There are studies that show girls who have complicated relationships with their mothers are more prone to have eating disorders. The more you know yourself the better you will be able to create boundaries for yourself and your friends, family and coworkers.

How to Deal With Family and Boundaries

Regarding family, sometimes parents can project their own insecurities onto their children. It is very hard at times to keep a good relationship with parents when they make comments about your weight. If this happens and you haven’t vocalized the boundary with them I would encourage you to do so. You can take them aside and in a calm and level-headed tone tell them you don’t appreciate when they make comments about your weight. If that doesn’t work the great thing about growing up is you can create distance if you need to. During the growth/ healing process it can be very helpful to take a back seat role in your parents lives. You need to rebuild your relationship with your body-and this has to be done alone. In order to grow at times you need to isolate yourself from the people who trigger you.

It’s about the small things you do day to day that contribute to an overall better life. That includes boundaries with the people you love.

Toxic relationships with family can drag us down, but additionally we drag ourselves down with an attitude of “I’ll start my life when I’m thinner.”

Too many women live life in the waiting room.

“I’ll go for that opportunity when I lose ten pounds. I’ll call that guy I like when I finally see that one number on the scale. I’m not going to swim in the ocean until I tone up my butt or my thighs…when my belly looks as flat as the diving board.”

If you are female in America it’s likely you have at least one thing you’d like to change about your body.

When the whole world is telling you to look like Gwenyth Paltrow, and you don’t look like Gwenyth Paltrow, you can easily become a self-loather.

According to a survey 97% of women have nasty things to say about their own bodies.

And if you ask me I believe the media is a major part of the problem.

Women who are not a size zero rarely make it onto the big screens. We don’t see them on commercials, we don’t see them in store windows, we don’t see them on ecommerce websites. As far as mainstream media and advertising, women with thighs don’t exist.
If I were an alien, and I landed on planet earth and only had access to media and advertising, I would assume all women looked like June Cleaver from Leave It To Beaver. June Cleaver after she gained access to phen-phen.

What’s interesting is if you google “diet pills” you will find 42,000,000 results and a slew of advertisements for a myriad of diet pill options.

If you google “women self esteem” you hit 44,200,000 results and no advertisements. So apparently it’s not lucrative to build women’s self esteem, because 51% of the U.S. population wouldn’t benefit from feeling better about themselves…right?

You’re Telling Me Those Earthlings Created An Entire Industry Based On The Fact They Don’t Know How to Feed and Nourish Themselves?

We have created an industry that is so insane that none of us can actually see how ridiculous it is. I’m talking about the diet industry.

We have complicated the most basic of human needs. While we’re not thriving, the diet industry is. The 50 billion dollar diet industry was built on a fabricated truth that we can’t trust our own bodies. If we are given access to whole, real, food we will lose control and blimp up. So now we need to eat food that is laced with chemicals that trick our body. That’s right, we need to trick our own body.

Enough is Enough

There is a point that we, as a community of women must stop and put our glasses on so we can see clearly. It’s time to be loving and gentle with ourselves now, not when we look like Gwenyth. Jump in the ocean now, not tomorrow.

You will feel amazing once you let go because…

you don’t need it.

I would love to know your own perceptions about the diet industry, and how you feel about your own body journey. Please feel free to share in the comments section below.

MTV Cribs and Your Mind Mansion

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Do you remember the show MTV Cribs? This show would give viewers a look inside pop star’s mansions–a view into the secret world of a millionaire.

This show was the pioneer of many similar shows along the lines of “lives of the rich and famous.”

What if a house was like a mind? And instead of a show showcasing how fabulous a house was, what if there was a show that brought you inside the mind of a woman? Instead of, wow look at this $50,000 dollar couch the focus was:

“wow look at the health of this self-esteem.”

Instead of look at this ten car “garage”….

We changed the focus to:

“Look at this inventory of spiritual tools that transport Jane to higher ground when she’s in a dark place.”

So what’s in your crib?

Is your mind a mansion full of tools that make your experience here on earth a rich one?

Relentless Attacks on Women’s Bodies

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I am honest with you my dear readers. My entire life I’ve had to consistently check myself around the body topic. At a certain point I started to realize how much body shame affected my life. Body shame will bring low self-esteem, depression, anger, sadness. Today I wonder how many other women out there are silently suffering the same pain that I talk about here today.

Some of us are starving for love–that can be self love, love from a partner or love from a family member that was never felt. In an effort to secure love women often drive themselves to a dark place. On top of that, the media and the culture have created a bizarro world where women will go to extremes to contort their body until it meets the expectation. And it’s normal and acceptable to do that.

All I around I see how normal it is to attack women, and even for women to attack themselves. This weekend late one night my boyfriend and I were watching Jeff Ross the comedian who is known as “the roastmaster.” He was making a ton of comments about Christina Aguilera and the weight she’s gained recently. It was relentless. I remember being a girl in the audience for a stand up comic like Jeff–laughing behind a tense smile thinking to myself…”am I as fat as Christina Aguilera?” Am I like her? Or am I “safe”?

It’s hard for me to believe networks like Comedy Central still get away with programming that directly attacks women’s bodies–and is arguably misogynistic. I hope women leaders who run companies that advertise with Comedy Central think twice before sending their media buyers to Comedy Central. To make change we are going to truly put our money where our mouth is.

Today it still makes me sad to see women competing on a treadmill of validation. I write about these issues because I refuse to believe that you–reading this out there–aren’t suffering in silence.


Image from Strong Inside Out

At a root level, it’s understandable women are terrified of being unattractive–of being unpretty. While survival today does not depend on attracting a man who can help scavenge for food, women still yearn to feel taken care of–to be part of a tribe–to be loved.

It’s time to create a new conversation. It’s time for women to stop the madness of diets and self-loathing, and start a fresh conversation around living life, being a human being and reclaiming their bodies back. Join me by taking a stand and saying no entities like Comedy Central who are operating in a 1950s mentality.

8 Steps for a Restorative Meditation

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Just like on an airplane if the plane is going down and you don’t have oxygen there is no way you’re able to provide oxygen masks to other people.

It’s just the way this world works. At the same time if we [women] don’t schedule in specific “me” time, we are leaving ourselves vulnerable to meltdowns, panic attacks and other not fun human stuff. If we continuously take care of ourselves, when life throws a curve ball we are better able to manage the situation.

Instead of volunteering to do everything for everyone else [ladies I'm looking at you] use that time to give yourself some special treatment. When we decide it’s ok to let go of being Miss Perfect, and we let others volunteer to do things, somehow the work still gets done.

For many years I was against meditation. I thought that I would never be able to actually sit still for that long, and I didn’t understand why anyone would want to. I was a woman on the move, and like a shark I thought if I stopped moving I would sink.

I’m not sure at what point I started doing meditation, but like a happy puppy it just kept following me around–urging me to give it a chance. At a certain point I caved. Now I use meditation throughout my day as a way to counter stress and the wild mind that is always on the up and up. Meditation is now my secret tool I pull out whenever I’m having a trying moment or day that feels out of control. And it works.

The big secret about meditation is it is incredibly restorative and healing. A 5 minute meditation can feel like a 45 minute Swedish Massage. I notice that when I meditate every day I have more discipline over my behavior. I am better able to control my mind and my actions. I am better able to keep my life organized. I have more clarity on my future path.

I find that post-meditation everything I do comes with greater ease. Ideally the meditation is paired with regular exercise, but even the meditation without the exercise can be a powerful change in your day (and your week).

If you’re unsure how to meditate, here are some beginner tips to get you started. If two minutes is all you can do that is absolutely fine. It’s all about starting where you are.


source

8 Steps to A Restorative Meditation:

1. Set an alarm clock for 5-8 minutes. There are peaceful meditation alarm apps for your iphone or ipad with eastern sounding bells.
2. Find a comfortable spot on the floor or in a chair. You can sit cross legged on the floor or on a pillow with your back straight, or you can lay down on the floor with your body relaxed. Some people do walking meditations–and if you’re interested in that you can read more about it here. For the sitting meditation make sure you don’t have anything distracting your position.
3. Close your eyes and notice your breath. Is it in your throat? Take a few deep breaths until you feel you have achieved the deep breath that releases some of the toxins floating around in your body. This is a deep belly breath. Let it all go.
4. This is the portion where we begin an internal body scan. Begin by moving your focus inside of your body and start scanning down your body. Move your focus from your head down to your heart, your lungs, your belly, down through your hips, your quads, your knees, into your calves and down into your feet. There is no right answer for the order in which you scan your organs. The point of this portion is to get your focus out of your head–moving the energy into your body. If you like, choose one organ to focus your energy on.
5. Feel free to use this time to also imagine nature. Many times I imagine water–as I feel a strong tie to the ocean. I do some visual imagery to heal the stress that is happening in a particular part of my body. I find the ocean to be restorative, relaxing and cleansing.
6. Feel free to imagine a calm scene. For me it’s laying in the sun in a small isolated beach in Kauai that I once visited as a young girl. Perhaps for you it’s in nature, or another calm venue.
7. If you are getting distracted by a worry-wart mind, calm your mind by greeting the thoughts that bubble up. Invite them to the table. Set them free. These thoughts are not necessarily you. These thoughts are just the mind doing what it does. Don’t internalize these thoughts. Let them float away.
8. As you wrap up your meditation come back to your physical body by wiggling your toes. Move your legs a little and your arms. Feel free to stretch a little if that feels comfortable for you.

The meditation should leave you feeling restored, calm and clear.

Western people spend most of their time in their heads. This is a dangerous way to live your life. We are entire walking ecosystems–and we limit ourselves by only tapping into the potential of our mind. Not our entire bodies.

If you want to find a business reason to meditate, understand that most of the answers that we need are inside of us. Being more connected to your body will un-clutter the information that you’re looking for.

Anytime you are feeling stressed you can take 30 seconds to close your eyes and take a deep breath. I promise the more you do this, the easier it gets and the bigger the spiritual rewards.

What is your experience with meditation? Does it help you? Do you loathe it? Please share your comments below.

Breaking Bread With Your Anxiety

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As I’ve gotten older, I’ve changed the way I “keep the patient comfortable” [as Geenen Roth calls spiritual self-care].

I wish I could tell you that I don’t have moments of panic, anger, sadness or insecurity, but I do. I have moments where I feel panicked. For example “if I don’t buy this one dress I’ll never look the right way for X event.” “If I don’t get to eat this one thing…” “If I don’t get this one email back right away”… and so on and so forth.

I’ve learned how to calm and quiet the little girl inside of me–the little girl who at times doesn’t feel safe.

And because I’ve learned to manage myself without pills or drugs or a large amount of credit card debt, I wanted to share some of these tools with you too.

Name It

If you are feeling anxious, sad, or upset, try asking yourself these questions. Write the answers down in a journal, or just contemplate them during a quiet meditation.

  1. What does the anxiety or fear look like?
  2. Is the anxiety in your throat? Is it in your belly?
  3. How does it feel moving around in your body? Like a tidal wave?
  4. Can you visualize this emotion?
  5. What does she look like?

Break Bread

Sometimes when I’m swimming [and/or meditating] I visualize this physical embodiment of my anxiety.

Similar to many other women, I have a warrior inside of me. She surfaces to protect me when she thinks I’m in harms way. However the warrior will sometimes get in the way of my train of thought. Often she doesn’t help me to clearly see my life–she hinders my view. When asked by someone else to visualize her, I realized she looks like a contestant on masterchef [you can laugh--it is rather funny/bizarre--but I promise this stuff works].

Rather than make her go away by taking anything, or drinking wine or shopping, or spending time with the wrong people, or eating chocolate, I take a good look at her. Then I give her a seat at my dining room table. We break bread. Lastly I visualize sending her to the most lavish, comforting spa I can imagine where she can relax.

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When she surfaces I know I need to tell her I’m safe, I’m secure–and I send her on her way. This allows me to stay in my power without hurting anyone around me. It allows me to be a gentle wise warrior–with clarity, not clouded by anger.

This is the visual imagery I use to move forward, and triumph over a bad day. I do not have multiple personalities, or anything like that. I’m just a normal woman braving the world trying to be a better human being.

I share these incredibly honest thoughts with you because–while this blog might seem unnecessary or inane to some–if I can inspire one woman out there to take better care of herself, I’ll know I did my job.

Please take care of yourselves out there. Break bread with your anxieties.

I’m Not A Size Zero, and Neither is My Personality

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As a little girl playing soccer I learned to take up space. I learned to be fearless on the field. And most importantly I learned taking up space was an important aspect of being a competitive player.

Then when I was 15 years old I learned that this was now a different game.

When I was 15 years old I remember seeing the movie What Women Want for the first time. I specifically recall a scene where Mel Gibson’s character could hear women’s thoughts. In the scene he ran by a woman on roller blades who was counting all the calories she ate for that day.

That scene was the first time I realized that it is normal and acceptable for women to have body issues. For women to have disorderly eating. It’s the universal female experience to want to be less of yourself as a woman.

After the age of 15 I started to soak up the messaging that now I would be judged according to how little space I could take up. The thick strong quads and thighs that took me far in a soccer match now made me unappealing. Less worthy. Less attractive.

As a young woman there were many days when–of the 60,000 thoughts a day that women have–I spent at least 20,000 figuring out how I was going to make my thighs disappear. If I could only be a smaller version of myself–like Felicity at NYU looking beautifully melancholy about her handsome bed-headed boyfriend Ben.

I started to dislike my body. I felt wildly uncomfortable in my own skin.

In college I can remember feeling such self-hatred I wanted to take a piece of my thighs out. I felt angry and violent toward my own body. If I could only take up less space….

I would be happy, I would get attention, I would be loved.

And Then I Woke Up And Realized Taking Up Space Feels Amazing

Very slowly over a period of about 9 years I started throwing the external rules out.

I realized my thighs were actually the conduit to a spiritual explosion. These thighs could carry me for miles and miles. These thighs could take me across half-marathons and then full marathons. These thighs helped me chase down a senator at an event for a podcast interview.

I started to get angry at the people and the systems that told me my thighs made me unappealing. I stopped spending time with women who reminded me of me before I went through this awakening.

Today I thank god I’m not a size zero. I thank my body for providing a healthy vessel to live life on this planet.

I’m starting a revolution of thigh love. Of worthiness. Of self-nourishment. A radical act of self-love. And I want to inspire radical acts of self-love across the nation, and the world.

I love you thighs. To take up space is to feel worthy. When you feel worthy your light shines brighter. You’re funny. You’re innovative. You take risks, and you believe you can do things, and you do.

Say it with me:

  • Thank you, body, for all that you do.
  • I am strong, I am good.
  • When I see myself, I see beauty.
  • My body is sacred.
  • I am powerful and strong.
  • My beauty is my own.
  • I love who I am, body and soul.

Your Inner Glow: An Interview with Oakland Photographer Nancy Rothstein

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There’s no question that representing yourself in a professional way online can be of great benefit. Having a headshot for your website and your social profiles that is clean, bright and flattering can be a real differentiator. Representing the best version of yourself helps send the right message to prospective new clients, recruiters or potential mates.

What I’ve learned is I grew up insecure about my looks. These insecurities have fueled many of the ideas in this blog and turned into a passion for helping other women feel good about themselves. I always say when I heal other women I heal myself, and when I heal myself I heal other women.

Over time I’ve learned to accept myself and embrace the very things that make me different. I’ve also learned that when I feel happy, I look better in photographs. I believe this is true for other women as well.

It has taken me almost three decades to feel mostly comfortable with myself. Today I know the importance of putting my best foot forward. While there are a million ways things that can go wrong with branding, having nice photos is one advantage that’s easy to take care of. We all need to do the best with what we have.

I’ve recently changed my hair color and I’ve never had professional headshots taken. I recently met a photographer at a NAWBO event named Nancy Rothstein. I learned more about her process, saw her incredible portfolio and wanted to work with her.

Nancy is passionate about helping women feel amazing about themselves, and having that glow come through in her photography. I love working with other women small business owners who are also on a journey to help lift up other women. I can’t say enough positive things about the experience I had with her. She was gentle through the whole process, and a true perfectionist. She made me laugh throughout our photo shoot. She is a true master of light and has an uncanny ability to draw that spirit out of you–and make it come through in your headshot. Learn more about Nancy’s philosophy and views on self esteem in our interview below.

Blake Landau: What is a common reaction you find from clients who are getting their head-shots done for the first time?

Nancy Rothstein: Many people come in saying something like:

I don’t photograph well
I’m not photogenic
I hate photos of myself 
I’ve never had a photo of myself that I’ve liked
I’m really uncomfortable in front of the camera

BL:  Is there a difference between men and women with regard to being self-conscious in front of the camera?

NR: I think it depends on the person. I’ve had both genders [clients] who are self-critical and uncomfortable. Both genders have come in with specific things about themselves that they don’t like. I wouldn’t want to generalize but I do think men are more comfortable with themselves. But I think pretty much everyone has challenges seeing themselves.

BL: Do you have any advice for people who feel insecure about their looks or their weight as far as appearing confident in front of the camera?

NR: Well the first part of that answer is at the root of my beliefs—to remember that your beauty is not skin deep. We’re all inherently beautiful—and it’s our human spirit that makes us beautiful. You know that’s true because you experience someone who is “beautiful” by society and media standards, and you know that it would be possible to interact with someone like that and feel that they’re actually ugly in the way they behave or treat other people. Real beauty is inside of us.

If we remember that real beauty comes from our spirit–and tap into that–we’ll naturally be more relaxed and express our beauty in a photograph. Internal beauty comes out through the face and the expression—it doesn’t matter how much they weigh, how many wrinkles they have, how many spots they have, gray hairs, make-up etc. When a person is shining through their eyes and their expression no one looks at that image and says, “oh they need to lose ten pounds.” They look at it and say “wow what a beautiful person.”

Beyond that technique is very important. You have to choose the right photographer. You want to choose a photographer that can bring your inner glow out. Who can help you to be at east in front of the camera, who can see you for who you are and understand what it is you want to express with your image and be able to draw that out.

There are proven techniques in photography that flatter the subject. In a still image you want to do everything possible to make the image flattering whether that’s lighting, camera angle or composition. Bad lighting can make a model look bad. Additionally we all have asymmetry in our faces. The way the photographer poses you and lights you accentuates the asymmetry or balances it. That’s really important in a still image. When we’re animated and interacting with each we don’t notice that. But real life and a still image are very different ways to be perceived.

BL: How do you help people relax when they’re getting their picture taken?

NR: I have a process that starts before the session in my phone consultation. At that time I talk to the client about what they’re trying to express. What aspects of their personality they’re trying to convey with the image. I also give them homework and have them think about things that relate to the qualities they want to portray in their photograph. In the example of a professional person I might have them think about their favorite client, or the feeling they get from being of service to their clients. It could be a feeling of competence of doing their best work. It could be a virtue they’re striving to embody. It could be anything. I don’t ask them to necessarily share it with me but reflect on it prior to the session. During the session I’m very actively coaching them to reflect on these things and to have their inner experience of tapping into those qualities. The ultimate goal is to create an authentic image that feels spontaneous in the context of a contrived photo shoot. That process which is a combination of mediation and method acting helps the subject to experience something authentic that specifically relates to how they want to be perceived during the session rather than looking at a camera and feeling self-conscious.

BL: Why do you love your job?

NR: I love interacting with people and I love creating dynamic images. I’ve been using a camera since I was seven years old. It ‘s a natural way for me to interact with the world. Lately one of my deepest satisfactions with my work is that I create images that remind people of their essential beauty.

All photos in this blog were taken by Nancy Rothstein. Find Nancy on Facebook and Twitter or her website.