If you are reading this and you are in your first job out of school—things are going to happen that you are not prepared to deal with. We don’t prepare you for this, and we need to so you have tools at your disposal when stuff gets weird. I’m working on this one..for now I just have my little blog below.
I have a lot of stories, and I know better than to publicly blog about them. I don’t have regrets, but I do have some hard lessons learned. I hope you don’t make some of the mistakes that I did, but if you do–let them make you stronger. Here are some of my tips. Share yours in the comments section below.
1. It’s not worth it. If someone does cross the line–in a major way–you need to stand up for yourself. But sometimes we take small stuff personally. Whatever you are upset about right now is a small in the scheme of things. Learn to breathe deep, take some space and let it go. Learn to back down. Learn to walk away. You will be the bigger person in the end. Sometimes it’s just better to walk away–that means find a new company, new colleagues or new business contacts. Starting over is better than fighting over scraps.
2. Learn to close one eye. Sometimes you need to learn how to close one eye when you see things at work that you don’t like–or qualities in people that you find unattractive. This kind of sucks, and you should make sure you have friends you can meet up with after work–you two can grab Pinot Grigios and laugh about how the real world is so crazy–you can’t even make this stuff up. Whatever you do don’t gossip at work and don’t fight with people. Get yourself a supportive, hilarious, accepting group of girlfriends. Laugh it off. Cry it off. Then go back to work the next day and keep it in til you see them again. Every woman needs good girlfriends. And don’t get rid of them when you get a boyfriend.
3. Men. Do not confuse your relationships with older men. There will be men that are mentors, and there will be men that are not mentors. Some of them are in unhappy marriages. Have compassion, but stay away. If you find you have what is known as “older daddy issues” don’t worry about it–but get a therapist. Don’t let unresolved childhood stuff ruin your professional life. If you didn’t notice this in Mad Men and countless tv and movies, older men like younger women. Young women tend to seem/be naive. That doesn’t mean you need to engage in that trend. Become known for your mind and your work, not for being flirty or short skirts and high heels. There is no shame in needing a male figure in your life, but do not confuse your needs, and under no circumstances should you date your boss (I never did this, but I feel compelled to remind you not to do it).
When you learn to ignore what you don’t like, you’ll find yourself attracting more people that inspire you and make you light up. As you progress in your career you will find more people who share your values. At the same time manage your expectations of other people. Don’t idolize people just because of their titles. Respect their knowledge but understand they are human too.
When you see the way people behave, let it go, have compassion. Forgive but don’t forget. You can always leave and join someone else’s camp or even build your own camp. Who wants to write a guidebook with me for Peggy Olsen?
This is great advice, Blake! I’ve definitely been thinking about this a lot as a creep closer and closer to 30! When I think back to my first few years after college, there were definitely so many things for which I was not prepared! I would add the following bits of advice from my own experiences:
1. Don’t freak out when your career does not move as quickly as you would like/thought it should. It takes a long time to establish yourself and it is not going to happen within the first few years no matter how many A’s you posted on your refrigerator during college. Just remember this time is hard for everybody even if they are not acknowledging it. Don’t get discouraged and let it ruin your self-confidence.
2. Don’t immediately assume that more school is the best way to fix a career slump. I am not saying that more school isn’t a good thing, but I think that sometimes careers feel scary and school feels safe. After all, at the beginning of your career, you’ve most likely been in school for seventeen or more years, but only in the workforce for one or two years. When things start to get hard, it is easy to start checking out different academic programs instead of facing the problem in front of you. Sometimes this might be the best route, but other times it is just an expensive diversion. Make sure that you are honest with yourself about your motivations and really think about the long-term value of additional education before making any big decisions.
3. Forgive yourself. You are going to make mistakes. You are going to be the person who drinks too much at a party or puts their foot in their mouth or misses a deadline. It will happen. Remember you are human, acknowledge your mistake, and then allow yourself to move on instead of constantly kicking yourself. There are enough people out there willing to keep you down, down help them do it.
4. Make sure that you leave some flexibility in your “X-Year Plan.” Planning your future is great, but make sure you allow yourself to try new things and meet new people, especially at the beginning of your career. You might just realize that you are good at or enjoy something you never even knew existed.
5. The expression “fake it until you make it” is a bunch of BS. I think it is more important that you be true to yourself. There are so many books and advice columns out there telling you how you should act at your job: Be more aggressive, never wear skirts, meet five new people a day, etc., etc. It’s not that these tips are bad per se, but it’s just important to remember that at the end of the day, you have to be yourself. So if you hate networking, then maybe it makes more sense to build a few deeper relationships rather than putting yourself through the stress of meeting X number of people per day. When you are faking it, people will usually see through it. It is better to just be honest with both yourself and the people around you. Also, do not (I repeat DO NOT) max out your credit cards to make yourself appear more successful than you are. You are not fooling anybody, the ROI is zilch, and it will be a mistake that will follow you long after you have paid your entry level career dues. No matter how tempting it is, it is not worth it.
Lastly, don’t forget to have fun! My 20s were a great time in my life. Don’t get me wrong; they were definitely hard and I struggled financially, romantically, and pretty much in any other “-ally” category. Yet, I still look back at that time with nostalgia. Make sure you don’t let the stress that comes with your 20s ruin the perks that also come with that stage in life.
Hi Jill, thanks for sharing your two cents with me. It means a lot to know you read my blog. While we go through similar things, I think we all have different experiences, and we all cope in different ways. What worked for me might not work for others, and I try not to be one of those women who is always telling other women what to do (as noted by Lena Dunham in “Girls”). At the same time, it gives me pleasure to write very honestly about what my experience as a woman has been. I value your ideas and your experiences. I liked your comments, especially those about putting yourself into debt to appear different than you are. None of us wants to walk around with debt over our heads. We need to get that message out louder. Thanks again for your readership. -Blake
Hi there.
Although this post seems to be aimed at women I can relate to what you said as I just finished my first year at my first job post university. I felt totally unprepared and LIFE just wasn’t what I expected. I do feel though that I’ve learnt a lot during this year and I’m sure I haven’t reached the end of my huge learning curve yet, but I feel a bit more prepared for the year coming.
The biggest thing I learnt is as you mentioned, that sometimes you just have to let it go. You spend four (or more) years of your life learning all this theory on how things work and then when you try to enter the real world the theory and practise just don’t come together. I’ve spent quite a lot of time and effort trying to change the way successful people in my multi billion corporate organisation does things, because I want it to be done the ‘right’ way. Sometimes the right way however is the way that works… Also when you work in a company with thousands of employees, everybody isn’t going to think the same way. Sometimes you should accept that you don’t agree with what others and move on without (as you said) fighting for the scraps or holding grudges.
Thanks for this post!
Abrie
Thank you for your readership and comment. Most of us are so used to controlling every aspect of our lives, it’s a tough pill to swallow that we can’t actually control everything. I believe people who can learn to let things go–as you mentioned–are much happier. Things have a way of working out for the best.
-BL