Monthly Archives: October 2012

Weathering the Storm With Play

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I am reading your posts today about watching bad television, board games, drinking liquor, running the stairs, eating canned pumpkin, sharing fake photos–and it looks like some of you are actually having fun.

While being desperate for a flashlight, or a broken crane on 57th street is no laughing matter, being “stuck” forces you to stop working. Sandy is a reminder that you can’t control the weather, you can only control how you personally manage through the storm.

But today I am not going to bore you with quotes and metaphors. I am only here to remind you to schedule time into your weeks as if you were hiding from a storm.


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Many of us are working in creative fields. How we have come to know our “knowledge work” is not that of an assembly line. Getting paid by the hour doesn’t make sense for most of us. We come with histories, intricate spider webs of networks, passion, an ability to make creative connections around problem solving. As knowledge workers when we work our minds too much without play and relaxation, we go into overdrive. It’s not pretty.

Research shows Americans are the hardest working, most unhappy, overweight group. While I actually like living in America–and I don’t want to bash being American–I do think we need to start incorporating more play into our lives–not just when there’s really bad weather.

[I mean no disrespect to those struggling through the storm--and I sincerely hope it passes without too much damage to my former home New York City and the surrounding areas].

Today reminded me of the New York City snow storms I experienced when I lived there. The weather was the only thing that stopped New Yorkers from rushing through the city. I remember if I would walk and stop on the sidewalk for any reason, someone behind me would run into me. It’s a constant flow of traffic. And for a while I loved the excitement. I was also always doing something, and would grab my running shoes and schlep to the gym in my snow boots. I hardly missed a day.

To this day I struggle with sitting still. I am always working, exercising, cooking, reading, taking care of my dog, cleaning up the house….you get the idea. I am always on the go. It takes a lot to tire me out. I wake up early and as soon as my feet hit the ground I’m running.

So this message if for me and for all of you work horses reading this.

*****

Some of you might read this tomorrow or the next day (when you have power back on in your house) whilst rolling your eyes at me and say “Blake, easy for you to say–you’re safe in SF where the only commotion is a World Series riot. Humor me by thinking about your days and how you can incorporate more time for reflection, relaxation and most importantly play.

*exercise that is dancey in nature can be labelled as “play”

What You Focus On Grows

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In life when we want something different than what we have we must undergo a shift in our thinking and behavior to get there. It’s the chicken and the egg.

What comes first? Most of us have to start from the bottom. To get from the bottom to the top, we have to drench ourselves in stories about the top. We have to see ourselves at the top. We have to visualize what it feels like to be at the top.

The reason for this is the law of attraction. In other words, what we focus on grows.

If a person is broke, it is most likely they are telling themselves a constant narrative about being broke. They feel broke. They think about being broke. Feelings become thoughts which become things. This person will tell everyone what they can’t afford. They will attract other people and events in their lives that have an aura of “scarcity.”

If all a person talks about is being stressed, sick, broke, tired, and taken advantage of–that’s exactly what will happen. A person will attract things that make them stressed, sick, broke, tired and taken advantage of.

Did you know we are essentially a blend of the five people we spend the most time with? Think about that for a minute.

If we are feeling fat it’s most likely that we will continue to exhibit behaviors that reinforce that feeling. We will eat unhealthy food, won’t push ourselves when exercising, and we will continue to tell a story of fat.

Basically to achieve what we really want–underneath layers of ego and denial–we have to tell ourselves we’re already there.

If we are not wealthy, we must tell ourselves we’re wealthy to create an aura of plenty. If we are not at our goal weight, we must do things that make us feel sleek and beautiful even if we don’t necessarily feel that way all the time.

We must act “as if.”

After months of telling a new story the texture of life will begin to change.

A journey of change is never a straight shot. We make progress and fumble taking a few steps back. Then we get back up and continue in the direction of the dream.

If you want to change your life, you need to change that story. Start by being 5% more aware of what you say out loud. Look at the events and people in your life, and your reaction to those events and people. What is your state? Our friend Tony Robbins says if you want to change your life you must change your state.

He’s right.

 

I Know This Much Is True

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I’m 28 years old. That means that I’m smarter about myself than when I was 25, and definitely 21, and even more definitely than when I was 16. I still need to work on my grammar, especially via text.

I will never be one of those woman who walks around in perfect outfits, and perfect hair and a spotless house. Every day I give myself permission to live the life I choose. And that life is one of comfort over being liked. I rarely wear shoes I can’t chase someone in (or flee from someone for that matter). I aspire to be like Tina Fey one day who talks about turning 40 in this way:

What Turning Forty Means to Me from Fey’s book Bossypants.
“I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that. But now I do.”

In the spirit of my heroes (Tina Fey, Mindy Kaling and Lena Dunham) I will share my irreverent internal “conversation” with you about what’s happening in my life.

Friendships take a front seat. I don’t have a lot of friends but I value honesty and authenticity in people, women who don’t take themselves seriously and don’t have big egos. As I’ve realized that friendships have taken a major backseat in my life I’m making that a priority. It feels great to connect with women friends again. Too much time on the computer and on social networks have made me realize that I don’t have enough real healthy friendships. Sorry facebook friends, but mostly you just disappoint me. It’s not your fault. It’s the lie that we all tell ourselves about social media. This is not a replacement for real life. Mind you this is what I do for a living, so please don’t be offended.

Fake it til you make it. At the end of August I decided I was letting myself go. So I decided to start eating less sugar and exercising. However it wasn’t all Jillian Michaels over here. There were days where I would step into the time warp that is the YMCA and I wanted to run home and eat marshmallows on the couch and watch The Voice. Then I accidentally took a latin dance class with my boyfriend’s mom and I realized that exercising could be fun again. Dancing felt way more fun than swaying back and forth on a machine that looks like it should generate solar power, but does not (elliptical machine). Then I realized that aerobics was kind of dancey and didn’t “look” that hard. Well people, it is hard. I tried one class with the raw food eating instructor at my gym and… I had to leave.

I looked like a sloppy leotard with two left feet. I was shocked by how well all these people knew these very complicated dance moves. They all looked like back up dancers, and I looked like a girl who only knew how to back up.

Eventually I went back for the beginner class, and took the intermediate classes. I learned to relax about being a perfect back up dancer at the YMCA aerobics classes. If I didn’t get a move just right I told myself “fake it til you make it.” The point of aerobics is to work up a sweat–so as long as you keep moving you don’t need to have the footwork of Jane Fonda. Just show up to class, and you’ll eventually get the hang of it.

image source

Trust the process. Things that are “worth it” take time. As an entrepreneur there are a few things I’ve realized about opportunities. I’ve learned that when you put a lot of energy into something (like marketing), you must be patient for the universe to manifest the right opportunities for you. Sometimes the universe takes its “sweet ass time.” And the universe is possibly testing you, to see if you are cut out for this exciting, exhilarating and terrifying thing we call entrepreneurship. You put it out there and you have to figure out what to do with yourself while you’re manifesting what you want. You have to have faith in yourself, and in the fact that the right doors open at the right time. My inclination is to never sit still. If you’re like me you have to teach yourself how to relax and then let the universe do its thing. If you can’t relax do a couple of aerobics classes. You’ll forget about your career pain with the distraction of your two left feet pain.

 


Twitter’s Biz Stone Reminds Me To Keep Going With Project Enough

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Yesterday I saw Twitter co-founder Biz Stone speak at PRSA.

When we got into the media briefing room Biz immediately seemed like he wanted to leave. He said the minute he walked in the door his wife was going to berate him for being late and hand him a screaming ten month old. You got the feeling he cared a lot more about his own family life than he did being at a PR media briefing. I respected him for that. I also respected him for the world that he showed us yesterday–from being a college dropout obsessed with the democratization of information to creating a technology that would change the course of history.

Biz Stone answering questions, being down to earth.

He said two things that resonated with me on a personal level:

1. Opportunity can be manufactured and you manufacture this for yourself.
2. To succeed spectacularly you must be willing to fail spectacularly.

For me that means you’re willing to walk away completely empty handed from whatever you’re doing. And he reminded us that to do that–you need to care about what you’re doing on an emotional level.

Biz gave metrics that he felt companies should measure themselves by. One of them was joy. Can you imagine a company that looks at joy as an indicator of success?

I believe joy is directly related to self esteem. I believe self esteem is related to contribution. I also believe companies can build the self esteem of its employees by recognizing employees and giving them opportunities to challenge themselves and contribute. Today most companies don’t do this. Research shows a happy, proud employee will contribute much more than an employee that feels like a number.

Self esteem is something I write about a lot. I also built a “movement” around helping to build the self esteem of women with Project Enough.

Biz Stone’s talk about a service oriented approach to business reminded me of my own journey. I’d like to think that sharing personal stories about my own challenges with anxiety, depression, body image and self esteem help other women who are going through something similar.

My storytelling is my giving back. Most people would rather die than write about being humiliated as I did last week on the website Eat the Damn Cake. I get joy out of putting all my experiences and thoughts on my writing table and putting the pieces back together, but I also want to help other girls and women–to let them know they’re not alone–to provide them tools and resources and knowledge.

The talk made me think about Project Enough and why I keep coming back to it. I feel that this was a “movement” that started with a shift within me. I didn’t know if this was the right thing to do or not–and realized quickly this project was in no way about making money. This is a project to spread awareness and most of all joy–> to women, who suffer with body shame and low self esteem. And yes I just used the word “suffer,” because you do.

Biz said there was compound interest in altruism and I believe he’s right because when one person comes back to me and says thank you for writing that (or saying that), I can relate and I’m going through X, I feel that emotional compound interest. I also hope that other people experience that as well.

Biz’s talk was inspiration for me to continue with Project Enough and see what it can become.

Where Are the Movies About Women Kicking Ass?

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Have you seen the movie “Snatch”? It’s about a bunch of guys who “kick-ass.” Why is it that virtually every movie is about a bunch of tough guys kicking ass? If women are more than 50% of the population why in God’s name will Hollywood not give up their obsession with men?

I hate action movies because I want to watch movies that I can relate to. I want to watch films with strong female leads that don’t look like Reese Witherspoon (and aren’t about how she has to choose between two men who want to sleep with her).

Two things.

1. The media needs to feature more dynamic real depictions of women in film.

2. The media will never give you permission to be strong. You MUST give yourself permission.

 

 

Eating Dessert Makes You Thin

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Many of us walk very thin tight ropes when it comes to pleasure. We avoid falling into our cravings, afraid that if we give ourselves what we deeply desire, we will lose control. We won’t be able to stop.

If you are female you know the pressure is real to be thin. It’s everywhere, but most importantly it sits in our heads.

And it sat in mine for a long time.

But at a certain point I got off the treadmill. I allowed myself to devote only 25-30 minutes at most to work-outs. I told the obsessor to jump in a lake, and cut my workouts down. Additionally (and more dangerously) I also allowed myself to eat what I wanted.

And what I wanted was frozen yogurt.

Every night I had a tradition of making tea and preparing my favorite nighttime snack. This was frozen yogurt (mint chocolate chip or the new Fage 0% blueberry) mixed with ginger cookies that were dipped in tea. This would make the cookies warm and gooey and would create a swirl in the frozen yogurt. This was always enjoyed while watching one of my favorite shows like “Modern Family” or “Girls” or “Happy Ending”….the ultimate double indulgence.

I became lazy about watching my food, and I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted. I told the perfectionist in me to relax, go put her feet up.

Then came the week of my boyfriend’s birthday. I ate cake four days in a row.

What I didn’t realize was that allowing myself to indulge made it less forbidden. The sweets were not as exciting because they were not off limits. The rebel in me became bored. Then at a certain point I no longer needed the desserts every night.

[Some of you might role your eyes..."oh Frozen Yogurt...that's the healthy stuff, she's crazy." The truth is when you are short and curvy and you're trying to lose a few pounds...eating a bunch of sugar (even fro yo)--before bed--will get you.]

After the fro yo indulgence and burnout I decided that was enough dessert and I wanted to be more aware of what I was eating. I wasn’t caving in to the enemy by being aware of my health, but rather going after something that I wanted for a long time–and that was being able to go to bed without dessert (or wine). Tracking what I ate didn’t seem horrible like it once did. And now I track what I eat.


The cookie monster within you will set you free

From tracking I realized I wasn’t eating enough during the day. What I learned from tracking my food is that you shouldn’t deprive yourself all day only to eat too much at night. Don’t let the diet industry manage your thoughts all day until you can’t take it anymore and you eat everything in the fridge.

Now I get to eat what I want during the day. I eat peanut butter. Sometimes I eat it twice a day. I don’t eat the whole jar, but I eat it. And it tastes wonderful. As of very recently I’m not eating chocolate protein bars anymore, but real chocolate…

And I feel a lot better. Neither weight watchers nor the gym nor a low carb, high protein diet were the answers for me. It was actually getting past the mental barriers in my mind about pleasure and deprivation.

There is a weird thing in America around eating. The big lie the diet industry tells us is we can shame and abuse ourselves into getting thin. The truth is you don’t abuse food when you don’t feel deprived of it.

So the psychology lesson is when you don’t deprive yourself, you end up empowered. You get control of your life and your choices. You do that by giving yourself what you need when you need it.

You can see my electronic hoarding of desserts on Pinterest. The hoarding is only happening online now I’m happy to report. Until I feel like eating cake again…and I will eat it, without guilt.

 

Successful Business Women Push Back

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It’s not through an easy breezy time do you learn the hard lessons. It’s through those challenging moments where it takes everything you’ve got….

And for many of us (stubborn folks like myself) the best way to learn is through trial and error. And I’ve had a lot of…you know…errors. There are so many things I would say if I could talk to the younger version of me. I hope that other women don’t have to wait around until they figure out the answers the hard way.

What I want to say to the younger version of myself about pushing back

There are so many roadblocks in the corporate world and in life. The most successful people are constantly figuring out ways to overcome those challenges, despite how uncomfortable that can be.

There will be no shortage of people who tell you 1. you can’t do that 2. here are all the hard rules why we won’t let you do that.

As a young woman at a job in a big city, when I did make leaps in my career–many times it was by throwing out the standard rules within the corporation. The biggest jumps in my career were through pushing back.

I asked for opportunities I wasn’t perfectly qualified for, I negotiated my salary when I found out about people with the same role making more than me, and I jumped departments to the chagrin of my bosses.

I didn’t have a fallback plan. I was alone in NYC. No trust fund, no husband, no desire to go live with my parents.

I’m currently reading the book Pushback by Selena Rezvani which talks about all the ways women shortchange themselves at work. It also provides some powerful tools for women on how to be better negotiators.

I’ve been listening to a lot of my female friends lately who complain about their situations at work.

They are very unhappy and can’t change the situation because of X, Y and Z. They tell me if they push back they could be fired. Their boss would be mad if they mentioned being disgruntled about salary…and so on and so forth.

I want to inspire women to get angry about the fact that is it possible these women wouldn’t be treated this way if they were male. I want to stress the point here that I don’t hate men, and I don’t believe men are without their share of challenges at work. However I see the stat that women make 77.8 cents to the dollar earned by men in the U.S. Then I hear my friends tell me how unhappy they are, and all the reasons they can’t make the change they want to see in their lives. So many rules, I don’t want to offend so and so, I don’t want to get fired….

Women have recently told me they don’t want to offend their bosses by questioning their pay although they know men with a similar role who get paid tens of thousands more than them. I don’t hear about a lot of men being told they need to be more likeable at work.

[Again I will emphasize that I don't hate men, and I don't think they don't have their own challenges. Just ask my boyfriend Jacob.]

The only thing that stops women from getting what they want are themselves.

We need to stop following these “hard rules.” These rules are not so hard once you start to scratch the surface. You reading this blog–you are talented, you are valuable, and you are worthy. So do your homework, keep track of your accomplishments and start telling yourself and the people around you a different story. One of worth.

Women don’t push back enough. Research in the book Pushback proves that a woman’s ability to push back has an astonishingly direct correlation to her success.

That means women who ask for what they want get what they want.

From experience I can tell you you’ll have to be prepared to leave, but most times if you ask for what you want you won’t have to leave. You’ll find that by figuring out your own negotiation style people will respect you more. Here’s what the book had to say:

“What caught my attention most in analyzing my data was the answer to a numerical question. I asked women leaders, “Assuming a woman’s career success equals 100 percent what percentage is accounted for by her effectiveness in negotiating and pushing back?….The executives I met with felt, on average, that a full 60 percent of a woman’s career success hinges on her pushback skills.”

I am telling you, THIS IS YOUR LIFE. We don’t know what happens after this life. As far as science tells us this is YOUR ONE KNOWN SHOT to design your life into the most amazing experience possible. Seize the day.

That means you (ladies) need to take the reins of your life. You are directing the show. This is YOUR time to take control of YOUR LIFE and make the changes you want to see.

Turn off that Disney reel in your head. A man will not come in on a horse and buggy and take you off to cindarella-land.

The higher-ups at work don’t go to sleep at night thinking of how they can improve your quality of life. This is up to YOU!

Go get it girl. Make it happen!

And if you want to join my community join other women who are navigating the same journey at Project Enough!