When I was 24 I remember walking home late one night from Manhattan to Greenpoint, Brooklyn. I had just taken the L train back to Williamsburg and I was walking by a dive bar when a guy stumbled out of it.
He said, “You’re not pretty, but…..that’s ok.”
I remember walking home really annoyed that I had just been emotionally bombed. I didn’t even realize I was in a minefield. I was upset he had planted something so hurtful in my head that I would have a hell of a time getting rid of.
It was a blatant reminder to me that living in New York, even in Brooklyn I felt there was no way to escape the pressure to be thin, well-dressed and pretty.
You can feel it when you walk into a room. And I walked into many rooms where I was heavier than most of the women without designer clothes, with the wrong make-up, the wrong hair, and the wrong confidence. Or so I felt at the time.
The Hamptons
I remember being in the Hamptons one summer. I was very out of my element.
It was a group of mostly athletic frat guys from Long Island. These Italian guys were generally attractive, muscular and loud. When and if they were interested in conversing with me I always felt loved–which is an odd thing, as who could even see clearly with the amount of booze inhaled at these summer parties.
So many times in my life I would put on a mask and become someone else. This summer was one of those times.
Growing up I always felt like an outsider–and when I moved to New York I decided to reinvent myself. There was no better place than New City to put the past behind. I was like Madonna out with a new album–it was the early 20-somethings album and I had made a big leap.
Becoming the Blonde California Blake that Never Was
When I actually grew up in Orange County there were no glamorous TV shows about Orange County. But somehow when I left people knew about “the OC.” And being from California in New York was exotic. Everyone wanted to know why I left California. When I lived in California in actuality I was an artsy recluse hanging out with mostly academic type people who were interested in women’s lib. But when I moved to NYC I decided to become glamorous. I remember that was the time I became aware of the fact that I should carry a purse that was pretty. Because before that it never occurred to me.
I can remember walking to get my hair done one day in Brooklyn and thinking “that’s it! I want to be pretty. I’m going blonde.”
And it worked for a while. I felt I was treated differently when I was blonde. I felt sexier. I got special attention for my bleached locks.
I remember the first time I got it done my hair looked frightening, like someone had poured bleach all over my head. I cried and got it redone. I continued to get my hair done every six weeks. The cost was around $175 plus tip–and I did this consistently for five years. That’s more than $10,000 dollars–not including hair cuts.
Too bad changing your hair color doesn’t make you feel at home in your own skin. It doesn’t make you love yourself. That money could have been put to much better use, but you live and you learn.
Today
About one week ago I changed my hair to a darker color. I did this partially so it wouldn’t be high maintenance and as a way to bring back my authentic self.
When I got my hair done I cried. My boyfriend (“life partner”) Jacob asked me “Blake why are you crying?” I told him that I had dyed my hair blonde to be special. I cried for the death of my blonde personae. I cried because it was officially the end of an era for me. I’ve officially grown up.
And sometimes it’s not just hair.
I wish I knew then what I know now. I wish people like Lena Dunham were on TV when I was 24 to show that you can be sexy and be more than a size 0, and you can have brown hair and be appealing.
This girl ran and ran and ran. Literally. When actually the answers were all inside and to really see them you can’t run. You need to sit quiet and still. I don’t look like this picture anymore, and I’m fine with that.
Hair is used as a shield. We hide in our hair. We wear our hair in our face when we don’t want to be heard. We hide our fat in our hair. We can be overweight but if our hair looks perfect we at least feel secure in that.
But when you finally change the channel and decide to love yourself no matter your hair–you can feel amazing about yourself when you walk into a room, no matter who is standing in it.
Drunk dive bar goers, long island frat boys or the girl in the mirror–no matter who is looking back at you, you feel whole.
Hi Blake, such a wonderful piece! coming from Europe i really can’t understand why things have to be the way you describe them but it doesn’t surprise me on the other hand.. However there’s always enough time to just be yourself and i think it will always work out for the best!
Hi Niels
I remember when I was 16 I spent time in Germany with a group of high school kids. I had an exchange student and we both spent six weeks in Germany and California. I still felt like a lot of the same stereotypes existed. The popular girls were thin and blonde and had breasts. I was none of those things, and I was not popular.
But I do believe the pressure is not like in America where there is so much pressure to look like the magazines. There are ten million women in America with eating disorders and 1/4 women in America is on anti-depressants. I don’t know the stats in Europe.
I had to go through my own journey to get to this point, and I’m still on it. I agree that in time we learn our lessons eventually–but the later in life we learn them, the harder it is. I hope more young women learn their lessons earlier so they don’t go through the stuff that I did. Thanks for reading Niels. I always appreciate men who comment!
Very welcome! You’re right about the value of learning these things, and anyone should do so as early as possible in his or her life. But some people never get to learn it so it’s also good to appreciate the fact that you do (of which I’m pretty sure!). Just keep on rocking!
Would be interested to know how you found my blog…
I saw the post as a LinkedIn status update, and your LinkedIn through Twitter a while ago, guess that about sums it up
Thanks, I knew there was a reason to keep posting my overly emotional blogs on that overly sterile site. :-]
Well, to be honest the picture of you and your blond hair next to the LinkedIn post got my attention
Well I suppose that validates all of what I wrote about in this post. At least you’re honest.
And it’s all about validation right? you can also look at it this way; there’s a lot of blond women who don’t write this well and interesting! Just keep on posting
Niels, How can I say this in a nice way…
No it’s not all about validation–I think you might have missed the point of the post. Hopefully if you continue reading my blog–and follow Project Enough eventually you’ll understand.
I mean that without being cruel–but that doesn’t come across well on a blog.
Take care.
That didn’t come out as it was meant to be! I know its not about validation.. my European humor got the best of me, I’m sorry!
There’s a reply in your email-box on this matter
I totally understand! No worries. I am so grateful men are reading my blog. Glad to have them in the conversation even if jokes are misconstrued across the interwebs. Thanks for your readership!
Anytime! and we’ll work on the interpretation part
it’s a process for everyone who has a different background when in a conversation!
absolutely :-]
You’re beautiful! I can definitely relate to this. When i was younger I was always judged because I didn’t look like the girls I were friends with in elementary school. I didn’t do my hair, I didn’t have a fashion sense, but it made me appreciate the fact that I didn’t follow what others expected from me. About the hair portion of this post, I agree with you. Our hair is our shield from the outside world. When we cry we hide, when we have flaws we hide them. Its difficult at times not to feel an emotion when it comes to our physical appearance. It is weird that strangers could have an affect on us more than our close family and friends. Thanks for the post your words are what will open the minds of people to make them think broader than what they normally do.
Rhonda,
Thank you for your comments. I think at some point we’ve all felt like an outsider. No kid really escapes it. I agree that it is weird that strangers can affect us more than friends and family. That’s why it’s so important to follow what Geneen Roth says about staying “in here.” Meaning conserving your energy and realizing what happens out there is out of your control–but the way you react to what is out there is under your control.
You are beautiful!
Blake
You are still special – I doubt it was the blonde hair that got you extra treatment, probably your confidence whilst wearing it! I grew my hair long to hide my big, muscular upper arms. It’s embarrassing to admit that! I’m on my way to accepting all of me. Thanks for checking out my piece on body acceptance. It seems we have a lot in common, including friendship with the lovely Gabi!
Rhea
Thank you so much for your comments. I honestly could have done without some of the attention I got, but those were important lessons learned. I think once we start writing about what embarrasses us, and we realize we are all going through the same thing–we just feel better. It’s addicting to share stories! I look forward to learning more about Thirty Threadbare and your writing!!! Thanks again for reading XX